Rude to ask someone their ethnic background or nationality? (husband, person, attractive)
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There is a time and place to ask that question. Asking that when you first meet someone is rude. It essentially implies that the first thing you see and really care about is race. People who are from diverse cities (Miami, LA, Phoenix) don't really ask that question because it isn't a big deal to them. Typically, I see that race is always a popular topic in the South. They seem to be preoccupied with it due to its culture and history. You are from North Carolina so your response doesn't surprise me.
Interesting thought process. My experience is actually the opposite. As a native Northerner I notice people from the South tend to care less about my race. Up North the question came up all the time BUT surprisingly it never came from more homogeneous places. In Chicago I would get asked all the time. Not in Holland or Grand Rapids, Michigan. Not in Louisville, Kentucky. Not much in Baltimore either (except by Blacks).
I am Southwestern European so my look isn't exactly common in such an Eastern European leaning city like Chicago. Chicago does have its Western European element but it is usually mixed with Eastern European (Irish and Polish is a common combo).
I suppose that in more Western European oriented locales it never came up as they probably thought I was a regular dude with a tan or something. Holland/Grand Rapids, MI are Dutch and Louisville, KY is German/Scotch-Irish/English/Scottish so I suppose I don't look like a different race there, either. It literally was never asked of me and I am the first person to tell you how annoyed I am with Louisville as a person and how much I don't like the South. But that said the whole race thing wasn't a "thing" in my experience.
Regardless, it's not limited to only non-Whites being asked this. Whites who look "exotic" to the local population will be asked as well. No matter the race, it doesn't stop it from being annoying.
That said my experience is different than yours based on locale so I really think this depends on the person.
I'm white and I've been asked this question several times. Partly, because I'm a redhead, people ask if I'm Irish. Some have told me that all redheads have "Viking" roots.
Some people are curious about my last name and it's origins. Not sure how you know that whites aren't being asked this question. I will say this. It seems like some white people ask other whites their ethnicity to establish a commonality. Usually Irish are thrilled to find each other, same with Italians in my experience. I guess you could interpret that as exclusionary behavior if you want to find something sinister in it.
I actually enjoy it when people ask, because that gives me tacit permission to ask them. And I love to hear about people's backgrounds. I am interested in genealogy and find it all fascinating.
No offense, that isn't really the same thing. It's just understood that you are an American and no one questions where you from. They just want to know your ancient roots or whatever like where did your great great grandparents originally hail from
That isn't the same thing as someone who is a minority that speaks with no accent and is asked by tools where they are originally from as if they couldn't possibly be born and raised in the United States and be as American as they are. These same morons can't conceive the idea that even people may be 2nd and 3rd generation Americans as well; the other assumption is that if you were born and raised here here then by default your parents were immigrants.
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Originally Posted by wase4711
its a cold cruel world out there, and if you are going to be offended by people asking you about stuff, you are going to have a hard time surviving to a ripe old age..
ask away, and let the person you are asking decide if they are offended by your question; if they are, they'll let you know, if they are not, you learned something new..
one of the most important parts of growing up is learning conflict resolution...stop getting offended so easily, and you will be a much happier, and intelligent person.
otherwise, retreat to your safe space, and continue to be outraged....
Likewise, if you want to be successful in life and make more meaningful connections with people, you should try to show more respect for people and consider how they might feel by your comment. Sure, feel entitled and ask away but then don't ask why, you didn't get hired or promoted or why people don't particularly like being around you. Let's put it this way. Many minorities particularly American born Asians are the most successful of any racial group including caucasians. They will be CEO's and in many hiring positions. Do you really want to offend them with your asinine question of where they are "originally" from when they have no accent?
We wouldn't have civil rights if people just got over it and were told not to get offended so easily. We wouldn't have equal pay and rights for female employees because they were told "Hey stop being so sensitivie and get over it." Rather, progress is made when people communicate that they don't particularly find your comments acceptable. So people don't have to sit there and take it. They can educate and communicate to people that their question is offensive.
Last edited by azriverfan.; 04-19-2017 at 02:36 PM..
When's the OP returning, I'd like to see what she thinks of what we've said.
Anyway, I already posted (below), but I just remembered, once, I was on a job interview for a good-paying career & I was in my 30s (this wasn't some fast food place or mall back when I was 18 or something, which still would have been bad to ask in that situation). I'm looking as professional as anyone else (black suit, everything well put together). The interviewer, a lady at a high-level position, actually had the nerve to ask DURING THE INTERVIEW, what ethnicity my last name was. I said "American", which is true, but of course, a MUCH more general answer when I don't want to tell people. She then somewhat realized that maybe she shouldn't have asked & we moved on, but wow, she had some nerve!
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Originally Posted by Forever Blue
OP, I know all about this topic! I'm someone w/ a very unique mix of ethnicities...a "rare breed" one could say, excuse the pun. If anyone saw my parents, they may NEVER see a couple like in their ENTIRE lifetimes.
I believe that people like me are just so used to being asked, that we get used to it. Now whether we're offended OR not could be a whole other story. Just because we're used to being asked by people, doesn't necessarily mean we LIKE it. And it has nothing to do w/ being ashamed of who we are.
I personally think anyone wondering what someone's ethnicity is should just stay quiet about it. If the person of that ethnicity wants to mention it in the course of conversation, then fine, but if they never do, that means they obviously don't want to reveal that info.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 04-19-2017 at 04:45 PM..
Reason: red font is reserved for moderating.
When's the OP returning, I'd like to see what she thinks of what we've said.
OP here. I have learned a lot from the many comments and really appreciate all the input. And I have learned a few things:
*My genuine curiosity about someone (who of course I like, otherwise I'm not curious) can be easilly misinterpreted and can upset the person if I ask his/her about ethnic background or nationality. And my curiousity is worth far less than ever upsetting someone.
*Even though I have an interesting mix of various nationalities, and enjoy telling "my story," my experience or pride is not universal and its naive to assume others feel complimented or comfortable when another person asks this question.
*Seeing how stongly some contributors to this thread reacted, I don't believe the tone or style one uses in asking this question would always buffer the possibility of someone finding the question offensive.
*I will NOT ask the question because my intent may be misinterpreted or I may be triggering a hot button in the other person. Having an unusual outward appearance -- even when it is beautiful -- may feel like a Scarlet A to the other person when asked.
MY CONCLUSION: IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE ESPECIALLY RUDE TO ASK ANOTHER ABOUT HER/HIS ORIGIN BUT THE ODDS OF THE QUESTION BEING MISINTERPRETED OR UPSETTING THAT PERSON ARE HIGH, SO NOT WORTH DOING IT.
It's just like everything else in life. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
I mean, if you ask someone you just me in a way that's trying to classify them, then it's offensive.
If, on the other hand, you're just having a normal question and you ask, "Hey, by the way, I've always wanted to ask. Where did you grow up" or "Hey, I'm curious. What kind of name is [Last name]?"
This second question get asked all the time in the US, chiefly because almost all of us all are descended from someone who came from somewhere else over the past 3-4 generations. Because I don't have a normal Anglo-Saxon last name, I get asked this a bunch. I never get offended. They might as well be asking me who my favorite sports team is.
And, of course, there are those who lie awake at night thinking of ways to be offended. I kind of feel sorry for those people. Unless, of course, I have to actually engage them in conversation. Then they're just a pain in the butt.
I wouldn't think it's rude. But - depending on context - perhaps a little strange? For the sake of curiosity, I'd love to have a breakdown of people's ancestry. But that's just me.
It depends on how they ask.....if they ask it like, "You're so pretty...are you mixed?" or "Your hair is so beautiful....are you biraicial?"
That makes it seem like someone can't be attractive unless they're mixed or biracial.
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I said "American", which is true, but of course, a MUCH more general answer when I don't want to tell people. She then somewhat realized that maybe she shouldn't have asked & we moved on, but wow, she had some nerve! 
