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I am mostly here to vent, but would love to have suggestions on how to work through my dilemma as well.
My boyfriend (35) and I (28) have been dating for almost two years now. He is the first guy I've ever really trusted and felt he wouldn't try to take advantage of me or drop me when things got tough. And so far he has proved just that. He sticks around. He is great to me. He loves me, I love him. He is not the most romantic guy, but that's not an issue for me. He and I have been talking more and more lately about moving in together and possibly starting a family in the next year or two.
This is the sort of stuff I would like to talk to a parent about. Let them know that, I'm with this guy, we're thinking about our future together. For me, that person is my grandmother. She raised me, so she is really like my mom. It is, however, extremely difficult to talk to her about most things. It has been since the start of my "adulthood." She is always giving me unsolicited advise and letting me know how things should be done - fine, she is a parent, and she only wants whats in my best interest.
It becomes a problem, however, when she insists that I do NOT know what I want, and that I couldn't possibly be able to decide whether this guy is right for me. The argument really started when I told her that we were thinking about moving in together, and she told me that it would be sinful if we weren't married and he would end up leaving me for somebody else and taking everything from me.
I asked her not to be so critical of our relationship and trust that, at nearly 30, I am perfectly capable of deciding what's right for my life. I have told her since I was young that marriage probably wasn't something that I would do, so this shouldn't be a shock to her.
She does not believe we could truly love each other because we don't spend every day together. We have both worked different schedules nearly our entire relationship - of course we can't see each other every day. Even if we did have the same schedule, we are both introverts who enjoy doing our own thing and having down time.
It's just difficult for me to have my own grandmother (mom) speaking so negatively and acting as if I cannot make these decisions. My entire life she (and the rest of the family) have praised me for being so responsible and adult-like. Managing family members money at a young age, etc. What makes it different now that I am older?
I know. This is my life. I have to live it. Only I know what's best for me. But I know how my grandmother operates, and it does pain me that she will just about "disown" me should I decide to move in with my boyfriend (or worse - start a family) without being married.
I don't understand how parents can be so tied to controlling their children's life and being critical of them for their choices. This is something that I hope my future children never have to experience.
OP, your grandmother is old school: marriage before living together. (bless her for raising you! )
Back in her era, the wife stayed home and was there to greet hubby at the end of the work day.
Yes, you are an adult who can make your own decisions. The only thing you can do is to move in with your boyfriend and show her it WORKS. She'll come around as long as she likes him (you didn't say?) If she doesn't like him, did she say why? Might be wise to listen to her and think about it if she's got her elderly intuition going strong.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Rogue, I think you need to listen to her. I don't know how it worked out that she raised you instead of your mother and father, but she knows a thing or two because she's seen a thing or two. (Maybe your parents passed away, which is a different situation).
It seems like you are extremely unhappy right now in your work situation, which languished for months while you were really unhappy there but didn't leave. You don't sound like you're in love with this boyfriend, but he's a decent guy and hasn't left you yet.
It seems very likely that you'll move in together, have a child and then one of you will fall in love with someone and realize what you're missing out on.
It sounds like it's partly religious belief and partly out of wanting to protect you. Of course marriage is no guarantee, but for the most part, most parents would prefer for their adult children to be in a happy marriage before even contemplating having children of their own. She doesn't want to see you left holding the bag so to speak, whether it's just the hassle of being left with a home to manage on your own, or becoming a single parent overnight.
Maybe she could be a bit more constructive in her criticism, and if the proverbial did hit the fan, chances are she would be there for you when it mattered. But she wouldn't be doing her job if she only ever blindly supported you in everything and didn't question decisions that she felt may not be right.
I don't think it is old fashioned to believe that marriage should come before starting a family, which is what you are talking about OP. Move in together, fine. Use birth control.
Raising children well takes a lot of commitment and it is a heck of a lot easier if both parents are fully committed.
Parents rarely grow out of being a parent. Fact of life. Nod, smile, and ignore their advice if you don't like it. When your children are 28, you will still be giving them parental advice.
Why not take a step back and instead of taking her comments as "judgemental," consider what she is saying.
She is concerned about legal protection for you if you had kids with this guy unmarried. That is fair.
She wonders if you have enough "data" on this guy to really consider this a lifelong thing. Seeing someone when you can work it in on opposite schedules means the limited time you have together is like a honeymoon period. You don't know how you would be together day to day or when a crisis hits. How is he when the chips are down? That is the true test of a relationship and your grandmother has the wisdom of years to know that.
If you want blanket support that is what your friends are for. Your grandmother is right to tell it like it is.
Why not take a step back and instead of taking her comments as "judgemental," consider what she is saying.
She is concerned about legal protection for you if you had kids with this guy unmarried. That is fair.
She wonders if you have enough "data" on this guy to really consider this a lifelong thing. Seeing someone when you can work it in on opposite schedules means the limited time you have together is like a honeymoon period. You don't know how you would be together day to day or when a crisis hits. How is he when the chips are down? That is the true test of a relationship and your grandmother has the wisdom of years to know that.
If you want blanket support that is what your friends are for. Your grandmother is right to tell it like it is.
This is good advice.
I'd take a long hard look around at the people you personally know or have known for years. Which ones are successful? People who are successful and have children usually don't have illegitimate children. It's not being judgemental. It's an observation. Your Grandma loves you and wants the best for you.
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