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I agree with grandma, they shouldn't live together until there is a ring and a date and positive assessment on the character and intentions of the guy. Don't worry about my delivery, I write to inform, but also to entertain myself. And I DO prefer a hyperbolic and arrogant style. It's just more interesting to be blunt and to the point. Those who disagree may offer opposing content and ideas in a style that suits them.
Plenty of people move in together without a ring or marriage, and do just fine. That's far from an issue. Her Grandma is likely living in the past where the majority of people married before moving in together. However, I'm sure she means well.
Personally speaking, I would not marry a woman if I didn't live with her first (length of that depends). The dynamics change once you two live together (not just going on dates while the both of us have separate places). It may turn out that we can't stand each other while living in the same apartment, house, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc Paolella
Yes she did. You've got to read between the lines. When someone drops something like "He's not the most romantic guy, but that's not important to me", a whole kettle of fish just dropped from the mezzanine and crashed to smitherines on the marble floor of the lobby, demanding analysis and recommendations.
Perhaps, but some people don't necessarily need a lot of romance.
Granted, I wouldn't be in a relationship if my woman wasn't AT LEAST a little romantic, but I get that some people don't care about it so much. To each their own.
As a parent of 2 girls ( their still young) I would hope that they would listen and at least consider the advice I give them throughout their lives. I understand that when they are adults they are free to choose how to live their lives as they want, but as their mother and someone who had lived through life I would think they would want to at least hear me out.
Op, you should be greatful you have a caring family! I always tell people....Always listen to the advice one had to offer and think about what they have said. You don't need to take it and do it, but at least listen!
Op, do what's right for you! You're an adult.
BTW.... My husband and I lived together 15 months before we married. Now married 16 years.
Yes she did. You've got to read between the lines. When someone drops something like "He's not the most romantic guy, but that's not important to me", a whole kettle of fish just dropped from the mezzanine and crashed to smitherines on the marble floor of the lobby, demanding analysis and recommendations.
No she didn't. Stop being dramatic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rogue17
I'm in a bit of a hurry this afternoon and haven't had time to read through all of the responses completely, but I will add this here for clarification:
My entire family (grandmother included) loves my current boyfriend and his family. They've actually said they'd like us to be married one day. I think this issue with my grandmother is that I'm considering moving in with him BEFORE we go to the church and get married. But again, I have never saw marriage as high on my priority list. I'm not concerned that my boyfriend would ever do me wrong or hurt me in any way. It could happen. Anything is possible. I just don't see it as likely. Even my grandmother has said she trusts him, he's a good guy, he wouldn't hurt a fly, etc.
I have had relationships or dates in the past, but only a couple that were truly a disaster. They have all taught me some life lessons though, and for the most part I do have good judgment. I've actually always preferred the single life and planned to stay that way, before meeting my boyfriend. He and I were friends and co-workers before we got together. I know he's not a bad person, he's dependable, he's loyal, etc. I've experienced this stuff from him on more than a romantic relationship level.
Thank you all for responding. I will read through these more in depth in a bit.
I have a bit of a different take, which is that while Grandma seems to have done a good job of raising you, OP, she also raised a child with a failed marriage, one that ended so poorly that neither parent was capable of raising you. So that doesn't exactly make her an expert on relationships, you know?
The agreement my mom has with us, her adult children, and with her grandchildren as they become adults, is that she has the right to give her opinion, and we have the right to ignore it. My sister and I both get along with with our mom and we often ask her opinion, but we still reserve the power to make the final decision. That's what adults do, they maintain control over their own lives.
So I would tell her that you love her and respect her, and you've heard what she has to say about this, but you are confident that you are making the the right choice for yourself at this point in your life and you hope she will return the love and respect and allow you as an adult to make your choices.
Having said all of that, I am curious about why you are against the idea of marriage when you are talking about making a lifetime commitment to someone you love. Perhaps you may want to do your own reassessment of exactly what marriage means. You and your boyfriend can define your marriage any way you want, and it doesn't have to be some cookie cutter stereotype of what marriage is. It can be just the legal recognition of the bond that already exists. And there are some benefits legally - not just thinking about a failed relationship, but for a strong and successful and ongoing one, with legal status to speak on behalf of your spouse when needed, to access insurance and other benefits, and while sad to contemplate, additional benefits in the event of the death of one of you. Just something to think about.
You presume she knows her own mind, which is obviously not the case. Once we know that, it would not be a stretch to wonder if her observation of family reactions as reported here may lack accuracy.
You presume she knows her own mind, which is obviously not the case. Once we know that, it would not be a stretch to wonder if her observation of family reactions as reported here may lack accuracy.
I see... obviously YOU know more about the OP's grandmother than the OP does... Makes sense.
I see... obviously YOU know more about the OP's grandmother than the OP does... Makes sense.
If she knew her own mind, she wouldn't need, or want, her grandmother's approval. If she knew her own mind, show wouldn't drop the bombshell that romance is unnecessary - in a romantic relationship. If she knew her own mind, she wouldn't be against getting married, since it is the exact legal and practical relationship that is designed expressly for loving couples who want to spend the rest of their lives together and perhaps one day bring new life into the world. If she knew her own mind, she would not be seeking the approval or a rationale from anonymous Internet strangers.
The fact is, she is ambivalent, does not know her own mind, is trying to clarify and justify decisions that are soon to be made, and is making errors about the importance of romance and the importance of selecting a good plan for evaluating a potential mate.
Since she is asking, she has questions. They are best asked in a pre-marital counselling session with a professional to guide them. Family members and friends and Internet strangers all have their own baggage, which can lead to stupid advice - like "you know what's right for you", and other such tripe. Many people DON'T know what's right for them, which is why we have smokers, drunks, serial daters, gamblers, Democrats...
I'd take a long hard look around at the people you personally know or have known for years. Which ones are successful? People who are successful and have children usually don't have illegitimate children. It's not being judgemental. It's an observation. Your Grandma loves you and wants the best for you.
I know several successful couples who have raised successful children to successful adulthood without being married, and I also know quite a few successful single parents who have done the same.
Concentrate on the philosophy, not making personal attacks. People don't learn from personal attacks. So in this case, you want to make the argument that it is good and beneficial for the poster to move in with her boyfriend without a commitment and ignore the advice of her grandmother. Stay with that. Personally attacking posters you disagree with will not advance the philosophy. So stay focused and concentrate on why shacking up is good for people and good for the poster.
As far as sex and romance, the poster is settling for one without the other, and that is a big mistake. You don't choose a mate who cannot demonstrate love and respect through tender romantic behavior. You don't choose a mate who doesn't demonstrate love and respect by making a tangible, explicit, lifelong commitment (marriage). A lifetime is a long time, and lack of romance is not something to be accepted at the beginning of a relationship. It is a red flag, in fact, it is a STOP SIGN. It is an indicator of a serious psychological problem, and is a DEAL BREAKER.
That is my advice. Let's summarize. Dude wants to hump me, doesn't want to buy me flowers. Dude wants to move in with me, and SPLIT EXPENSES with me, but does not want to marry me. Is this a good and healthy path to follow? Does my grandmother, who is my mother, who loves me and raised me, and presumably has my best interests at heart, think I am following a good and healthy path? Does the smart real estate agent on the Internet think it's a good idea?
The answers are no, no, and no.
Now, tell her why it's a good idea to move in with and plan children with a person without a commitment, and without romance. Make that case. No personal attacks, just making cases. Can you do that?
Why are you only focusing on what the dude wants? Maybe SHE wants to move in with HIM and not get married?
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