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Am I misunderstanding the meaning of the word defensive? How exactly is someone supposed to react when defending themselves?
The statement "got defensive" typically means "over reacted".
As in; a question is asked: "Did you eat my sandwich that was in the employee fridge?"
A defensive answer would be: "OMG! Not this again! Why me, huh? Why am I always the first person everybody accuses when they can't find their stupid lunch? Why doesn't anybody ask Harry? My God; has anybody noticed how much weight he has gained this year? No! I did not eat your sandwich!!"
A non-defensive answer would be: "Huh? No. Why; is that happening again?"
Defensive answers often include absolute terminology such as "Always", "Never", "Everybody" or "Nobody". They have a "victim" theme (poor me). They might offer an alternate suspect & redirect & also are delivered with more emotion than is expected; such as tears, yelling, stomping or slamming.
It's thought to imply guilt or at least that you know more than you are saying. I personally think it does implicate, unless someone actually happens to be the scapegoat or fallguy & is just fed up & loses it.
This is based on my experience with someone who was a pathological liar. Sometimes I wondered if he did it because he was overly nervous, or wondered if he did it because he didn't even know what guilt or remorse felt like & it was all an act!
I used to be quite guilty of defensive behaviour. Example:
Friend says to me: I miss you. You're hardly around any more.
Me: What?? I was here on Monday, Tues, almost all of Friday and Sunday too!!
This makes the friend feel worse. All I had to say was "Awww, I'm sorry. We should make some plans and go and have lunch more often. How's Monday next week?"
In the former response, I was too wrapped up in someone daring to criticize me and basically threw an activity chart at them complete with statistics and graphs. All they were doing was expressing that they wished we could spend more time together.
Great example and it made me laugh.
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I have yet to find criticism to be "constructive". Destructive,indeed!
If adults have suggestions for other ways to improve. Then it's a supportive cause..With the goal to enhance the person or the subject. criticism has not the same goal.
I carry a logical defense,and that can be a humdinger to overcome. If someone says,hey I gave you my number why didn't you call me? My logic says,the phone dials in both directions..
Or if my boss says, you are always late! My logic says...Really? Always? Let me check my login. Nope! Was late one time back on Tuesday October,when the road was being blocked due to flooding. I believe you were late too that morning ?.But pretty sure I'm on time. So how would you like that I print out my login/logout for the past year so you can update the "always" to "rarely".Fair enough?
Contingent on how it was broached,determines the amount of self assertiveness.
Example 1: boss A says : You messed up the report and are lazy!
Example 2: boss B says: hey,today I reviewed the report and noticed on line number 3, the data was miscalculated. Can you be more mindfully when computating?
There in lays how a person may respond...It's in the presentation,tone,and the underlying motive. Boss b is not attacking on a personal level. Remains objective minded,seeking a resolution. Boss A lacks regard.
Most "reframe" the context and avoid the confrontational attitude. Being defensive is your voice saying..No one else is going to stick up for me...So here it goes!
This is interesting. I find it odd that so many put the onus on the person responding and not the person asking. But yes, defensiveness in my case is rooted in the fact that no one stood up for me during my childhood years, so I had to learn to do it myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire
Usually when someone says "don't get so defensive," it's because there's no reason for the other person to be defensive. Their perception of being attacked is not the reality. But they're so busy putting up a defense that they don't recognize that there's no need.
Sometimes it is not the reality, but sometimes it is. As Nov3 stated, many people do not understand constructive criticism.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan
Defending oneself is not bad. No one should be a doormat.
However, context, having self-awareness, the degree to which one defends themselves, tone, body language, how that message is delivered and received should all be taken into consideration.
I'm not understanding 'the degree to which one defends themselves'. That's my point. Why should that matter?
There are explanations, and someone being defensive.
"Why do you leave your socks everywhere?"
Explanation: Sorry, I'm tired when I come home and don't think about it.
Defensive: No I don't, you are so nit picky. YOU leave cups out.
One is a solution and communication, one is trying to put a stop to the conversation without resolution.
See, this has happened to me with my husband. He's a Marine and likes order - he actually gets stressed out if something isn't in it's place. I am not a slob, but I am not obsessive about it. I would respond in a defensive way simply because he does get worked up about something that to me isn't that big of a deal. And no, I am not going to apologize for leaving something out?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3
I have yet to find criticism to be "constructive". Destructive,indeed!
If adults have suggestions for other ways to improve. Then it's a supportive cause..With the goal to enhance the person or the subject. criticism has not the same goal.
I carry a logical defense,and that can be a humdinger to overcome. If someone says,hey I gave you my number why didn't you call me? My logic says,the phone dials in both directions..
Or if my boss says, you are always late! My logic says...Really? Always? Let me check my login. Nope! Was late one time back on Tuesday October,when the road was being blocked due to flooding. I believe you were late too that morning ?.But pretty sure I'm on time. So how would you like that I print out my login/logout for the past year so you can update the "always" to "rarely".Fair enough?
I am the same way. I am very literal, which can cause issues. And lot of times, my thought process is, "Why is this such a huge deal to you?". One of my former co-workers grew upset because files were turned the 'wrong way' in a box. How silly.
A few of the answers cover the question quite nicely so the only thing I'll add is that Facebook and other "image engineering" social experiments aren't helping the sitch.
People actually start believing that they are the people that they want others to believe they are. So any type of constructive criticism causes a hit to their lofty self esteem. They've become so mesmerized by the currency of "Likes" that they've lost touch with reality.
Falling on the sword or turning the other cheek are no longer looked at as admirable qualities but more often than not signs of weakness.
Talk about hubris.
BTW: The last person I wanted to hear it from gave me some very sound advice years ago: "Own What You Need To Own."
I hope I never forget that lesson.
See, this has happened to me with my husband. He's a Marine and likes order - he actually gets stressed out if something isn't in it's place. I am not a slob, but I am not obsessive about it. I would respond in a defensive way simply because he does get worked up about something that to me isn't that big of a deal. And no, I am not going to apologize for leaving something out?
I am the same way. I am very literal, which can cause issues. And lot of times, my thought process is, "Why is this such a huge deal to you?". One of my former co-workers grew upset because files were turned the 'wrong way' in a box. How silly.
It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. My husband can get bent out of shape over things that seem trivial to me. Then he gets mad if I say anything about how I think it's silly to get mad over X, Y, or Z. After several arguments, we agreed that everyone has the right to be upset at what they're upset about, but that doesn't have to mean any other person in the situation also must be upset. So if he's mad about something, rather than be defensive, I just let him be mad but don't try to fix it or make it better. I've even said, "I know you're mad about this but I'm not."
It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. My husband can get bent out of shape over things that seem trivial to me. Then he gets mad if I say anything about how I think it's silly to get mad over X, Y, or Z. After several arguments, we agreed that everyone has the right to be upset at what they're upset about, but that doesn't have to mean any other person in the situation also must be upset. So if he's mad about something, rather than be defensive, I just let him be mad but don't try to fix it or make it better. I've even said, "I know you're mad about this but I'm not."
Yes, I need to work on this. I hate to see him upset and have to fix it, which stresses me out.
Good insight!
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