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I do think including stepmom in the parent pictures, sitting her up front in the church, mentioning her in a special toast... those are the kinds of things that are appropriate here. I like the idea of writing her a nice letter or buying her a special gift to say thank you. But that mom has spent 25 years being really amazing about this and protecting her kids from the drama and hurt, it seems cruel to reward her by making her swallow yet another bitter pill on this big milestone day. I'm glad the OP doesn't plan to go there.
This. ^^^^^
There are many ways to include the stepmom without taking something away from the mom.
I am a 29 year old male who is getting married soon. As a kid I always had a fantastic relationship with my mother, but I also had a fairly positive relationship with my step mother. My step mother has been in my life since I was 5 years old however she is also "the other woman" if you know what I mean.
The other night I decided it would be best if I asked my mom her thoughts around me having two mother-son dances, one for each of them. I didn't expect the reaction which was absolute devastation. She cried hysterically like I haven't seen in a very long time. She then proceeded to say that she can't believe I would share her dance with my step-mom. After she ran to confide in my step-grandfather (who basically was the only other person available at the time), she did come back and apologize. She said that she didn't realize that was in her and it seems like she was bottling up a lot of emotion over the years. She said she never tried to show her ill feelings about my step-mom in front of her kids. Which makes sense because I never expected that she held so much hostility towards her, hence why I sort of casually asked her about her thoughts.
I told my mom then and there that I wouldn't pursue having two dances. It's a tough situation to be in because my step mom has been very influential in my life and I wanted to show how much I respect her. However, I cannot do that knowing how devastated my mom was just at the thought of it. Do any of you have any ideas on how I can include my Step-Mom without sacrificing my mom's emotions? I feel terrible about the entire situation and am not really sure how to cope.
This is not a tough situation. You have ONE mother. Love and respect stepmom, for sure. But elevate her to the status of mother? No.
You'll understand better when you and your wife have a child. If your wife dumps you for another man, and marries him, he'll be your kid's stepfather. That does not, and should not, ever elevate him to the status of father.
Your mother carried you in her body for nine months, then went through labor to have you. She saw you when you first entered the world, and gave you life. She is still around, having loved you your entire life. You don't have a second mother. Your mother deserves your acknowledgement of that.
If you want to thank stepmom for being kind...tell her, and treat her with respect. If she is truly a wonderful person, she would have refused to do the mother-son dance with you, anyway. Because she knows she's not your mother, and she knows it would've killed your mother (figuratively). If she would have done the dance, and if it wouldn't have occurred to her how it would make your mother feel, maybe she's not as wonderful a person as you think.
There is etiquette about this sort of thing. She is your father's wife, so will be in the pictures as his spouse, etc. Heck, in my parents' case, when one of my siblings got married, my mother mulled over not allowing the stepmother to attend at all. Stepmom was, like in your case, "the other woman."
Although you didn't seem to realize it when you said that, it was tremendously hurtful and insensitive to announce that you would want to have a second dance with your step mom, who is not your mom, but more than that stole your moms husband, and whom you only lived with a year. I guess I don't understand it at all, and as far as acknowledging her in some way a simple thank you card for her support would suffice.
Although you didn't seem to realize it when you said that, it was tremendously hurtful and insensitive to announce that you would want to have a second dance with your step mom, who is not your mom, but more than that stole your moms husband, and whom you only lived with a year. I guess I don't understand it at all, and as far as acknowledging her in some way a simple thank you card for her support would suffice.
No one can be stolen from someone. Now if you're talking kidnapping that's another matter. We don't even know who initiated what. Could have been the dad.....
OP: Why are you allowing your Mother to control your wedding?
You stated in this thread that your Step Mother had a lot of influence on you and honestly I see no reason why you cannot or will not have a dance with both of them.
If your Mother is unable to put the divorce/affair behind her after this many years she needs to seek professional guidance for her issue.
You know...maybe your step mom isn't expecting any kind of special treatment?
But maybe you can give her a nice card where you express your heart felt sentiments to her?
If his Step-Mom has been in his life (positively) since he was 5, I hope he would honor her more than with a card. I personally would be offended to tell you the truth.
The reactions here surprise me. Sure, stepmom was the 'other woman', but it has been nearly 25 years. Do you all expect her to be punished and hidden away forever? I'm not condoning bad behavior, but there has to be a point where a 25 year relationship is recognized for its longevity instead of the terrible way it started...
As a child whose parents also divorced when I was 5 (there was also another woman, but she didn't last long), I understand the complex relationships with parents and stepparents. A lot of stepparent experiences are not great- I've had one. My dad was with my stepmom from the time I was about 8 until about 24. We never got along, which strained the relationship with my dad. On the opposite end of the spectrum, my stepdad entered my life when I was 16 and we have a great relationship. When my sister married, both our dad and stepdad walked her down the aisle. My dad's feelings were hurt initially, but he knows how important our stepdad is to us, how well our stepdad has always treated us, so he got himself over it.
The fact that you have had a good relationship with your stepmom is great and I think it should be recognized. I know you've decided against a dance, but I honestly think stepmom probably deserves one. I wouldn't 'split' the dance. And mom should go first. That way it isn't taking mom's dance from her, but recognizing that stepmom has been important to you. I know your mom is still hurt from 25 years ago, but she should really be happy that you have such a good relationship with your stepmom. Not all stepparents treat stepchildren well. I know because I had one.
Agree with Axxlrod-- your mom is your mom... your stepmom is your dad's wife. That is just the truth of how these two people are related to you. One is your mom, your only mom who carried you and raised you, her son. The stepmom came into the picture some years later and stole your dad and is now his wife.
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