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Ugh. After three years of a relationship, and almost one year of marriage, I have concluded there is something wrong with the family I married into...it's not me, they have narcissistic issues. Conversations and building a repore with his parents and siblings has been difficult and slow- I don't think it will ever happen comfortably with my step-mother in-law. It's just all about them.
A decade ago I learned to establish composure and therefore better conversation skills; this is probably why my husband said 'I'm so glad you get along with my parents' --because I pulled off the schtick for dealing with narcissists. But learning to make superficial conversation is also a way of coping, and my energy has limits. My husband and I are in our forties with no kids, and I can't help having feelings that I can't wait until one or both of them pass on.
It comes to pass that marriage is always changing, and I am learning new things, and sensing different dynamics and perhaps loyalties on the part of my husband, whose step-mom clearly had a huge influence on him, which make me feel vulnerable.
Interestingly, I did some research on kids and divorce (something I didn't grow up with)-and the loyalties and conflicts of children between real parents and step-parents. The usual doesn't apply here. My husband was raised by his father, after his mother left them to start what became a highly successful and celebratory career. Dad, the freewheeling businessman and teacher, who he considered the sociopath next door growing up, took a strong role in his life.
I have heard them both badmouth the real mom, and they both tend to denegrate other women, he as serial womanizer throughout his marriage, she as victim which she obviously projects towards women in own narcissist way. I now see what makes my husband who he is, partially.
Real mom is actually a nicer person, easy-going, but obviously selfish in her own way, for giving up her kids. I have been thinking too much about this, and the revelation is disheartening. I have few people in my life, this is not what I would have ever expected in having to deal with these people on a regular basis. I try to find common ground but....ugh.
Documenting my feelings and looking for support at the same time. ;-) Why does venting dismiss my feelings, coconut. Did you not ride enough waves yesterday, I did. Are you the moderator, if so my heartfelt apologies.
Well, marriage is supposed to be a long-term thing, and you have only known him a very short while. There WILL be many difficult adjustments, and people tend to underestimate the influence of family on their marriage.
If you want your marriage to last, keep it at the center of your focus. Don't be tempted into self-centered "why me?" trains of thought.
Of course, for that to be sustainable, your husband has to do the same thing. You have to be a priority, not his parents.
So ... this is where your situation gets tricky. You haven't REALLY known him long enough to understand how deep his family influence actually goes. So you could be in for some unpleasant surprises along the way. But if you keep the rules of fighting fair and are open and honest in your communication with him, your relationship has a chance.
If you start to set up camps as if in a battle, it does not.
You say that you now see the influences that made your husband who he is. What does that mean for you, being married to him? Are there issues in the marriage, due to the family dynamic he grew up with? Or do you two get along pretty well, and the issues are mainly in how to relate to his family?
If the marriage is ok, then count your blessings, and do your part to keep it humming. Minimize your interactions with the in-laws, unless he's a step-momma's boy, or something. Is that what you're posting about? Has he not separated from his parents sufficiently, or does he not see the dysfunction?
OP, coming from a difficult family situation myself, before taking the step to marriage, I would a) warn my partner about his in-laws to be, and b) be careful to check out his family, as well, so I'd know what I'd be getting myself into. If you came from a well-adjusted family, you're lucky.
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