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We moved within a couple of hours to my inlaws last fall. Previously we were 8 hours away, and rarely saw them. A few weeks ago my FIL told my DH that they weren't going to have him and his sister together in their house. We were baffled. They claimed having us together was stressful. We decided to wait it out to see how their conversation went down with his sister. She emailed him yesterday just as confused as us. They have never had an issue with us, nor us with them. DH emailed her saying the same. She emailed again today and had come to the realization they have been keeping us apart for 17 years!
What? Why? Explain this please??!!
Don't even bother yourself trying to figure this out. It is what it is. Your in-laws aren't going to change. There is no logical explanation for whatever is going on in their minds.
See your sister in law and her family whenever it is convenient for you and her. Maintain and grow that relationship if you like. Your FIL & MIL want a very narrow relationship with their children so keep them on the edges of your life.
Maybe that many people at one time, especially with kids, would be stressful to them. You seem to making this about your hubby and his sister. It's not-it's the in-laws.
As suggested, let the siblings and families see each other whenever they want. Respect the in-laws wishes but that doesn't mean you have to shut them out.
My first reaction was similar to PAhippo's, that too many people at one time is too stressful for them. Planning, preparing, and cleaning up after a meal for 6 is a lot easier than a meal for 10 or more. If family is spending the night or many nights, they may feel too crowded with that many people. Maybe combining the kids (if that's even the case) makes for too much chaos, and they just can't handle the chaos anymore.
Why doesn't your husband just ask his father why he made that decision?
Maybe that many people at one time, especially with kids, would be stressful to them. You seem to making this about your hubby and his sister. It's not-it's the in-laws.
As suggested, let the siblings and families see each other whenever they want. Respect the in-laws wishes but that doesn't mean you have to shut them out.
I know someone like your in-laws. For her, I suspect the need to be in control. Her background is such that her family does a lot of petty nitpicking and infighting with each other. If you get too many people into a situation, she can't manipulate as much.
Like others have said, the siblings need to get together without the parents. Maybe one of you can host the next family holiday and invite the parents too to see how that goes.
I dunno. I prefer to interact with my cousins without the parents involved. My generation gets along great, but my mother and her sisters (and my grandmother when she was alive) were often very tense. I didn't speak with two of my cousins for a long time, largely because of their parents' machinations - the cousins let their parents manipulate them. Only now repairing the relationship and I'm still worried about it if their parents get involved. My mother is almost as dysfunctional, but I never bought into her schtick.
But you're saying this has been going on for 17 years. That, to me, suggests that maybe the parents have been telling one kid and their family one narrative and the other another narrative. My grandmother was like that - she'd tell me "Oh I loved that restaurant you took me too - what a wonderful meal" and then tell my mother "It was terrible!"
It could be something big though - my grandmother never tried to keep any of us apart.
I would make a point of building your family's relationship with the SIL's family apart from your hubby's parents. And yes, your husband should talk with his parents a bit more about this. It could be nothing, but it could also be something significant, or something they've built up to be significant in their minds.
I just have never seen this with siblings who get along fine, so SOMETHING is going on.
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