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First post here and hoping in the right spot for this. Just wanted to throw this out to the masses and see what kind of feedback I get. There's a big backstory that I won't start with, just the end bits, so if there's questions I'll answer to backfill what I'm not putting into this post. I guess you could file this under "friendzone" or "unrequited love" or whatever.
I'm going to put the tl;dr at the top like I wish most people would:
My best and very, close friend (female) lied to me for several months after I told her that my feelings for her were too strong continue to "just be friends" so that I wouldn't take a step back from the friendship with her - to adjust my feelings back to a more neutral state - which she absolutely didn't want. I'm still hurt by the lying but miss my friend. I'd like to have her back in my life, but know I couldn't trust her like I did prior to the lying and the friendship would never be like it was. What would you do?
End tl;dr
So, as in the subject I had a female friend that I've known for about 20 years now going back to high school. We lost touch for a bit then reconnected after college and when we both moved back to our hometown we re-kindled our friendship and became, really, the best of friends. My friend and I started out as just friends. I liked hanging out with her and enjoyed our time when we'd do whatever. Dinner, movies, just talking walks in the park, whatever. It was nice to have someone to spend time with in between dating and just to pal around with. Most of my guy friends were long since paired off and into the raising kids phase before I came back into town.
As with most guy/girl friendships over time we spent more and more time together over the years to the point where we did just about everything together from the things mentioned before to taking long road trips, family dinners, spending holidays together and just about doing everything short of actually dating. And for the longest time I was more than fine with this situation, until one day I felt my feelings toward her beginning to change. During one of our trips out of town (we'd gone to Boston for the day), I had a mini-chat with her on the drive back (I'm a believer in just spitting things out upfront and being honest, especially with feelings/emotions) and told her at the time that I felt my feelings beginning to change and that I was ok with things as they stood at that time, but if things kept on the way they did I'd eventually "want more". For her part she didn't say much of anything. Which was no big deal, I wasn't going for a heart-to-heart, I just wanted to let her know that us being close was having an effect on me and she could do, or not do, what she needed from there. That was about 3-4 years ago.
From that time on every time I felt a change in me that had to do with her I'd bring it up. Not in a confrontational way, but to be keep communication open. Sort of a "hey, just so you know I think I'm starting to feel even more for you" so that she would know where I stood and so she could "shoot me down" if she didn't feel that same or just flat out didn't want to go there. I certainly didn't want to risk the friendship over something I couldn't control. And no, she never said anything about just staying friends or never having anything more, whatever. She usually just..let things pass is about the only way to put it.
Well, she continued to say little to nothing and we carried on like we always had as very, very close friends. As the years passed my feelings went from, 'I'm kind of falling for you' to full blown 'I'm in love with you'. Which I'd also clearly communicated with her every step of the way. (This is getting long so going to snip some things for the sake or brevity.)
Things came to a head recently when she told me she wanted to date again (we'd pretty much spent all our spare time together to this point) and I was like: 'ok, cool, good luck, but I want you to know that while I support you wanting to find someone, I cannot be there through another boyfriend with you. I've grown way too attached to you over the years and it would hurt me too much to see you trying to build a life with someone else. So, I need to take a step back because I am "too attached" to you emotionally and need to get my feelings for you in check.' Again, just me being honest and communicating. That was back in the spring of this year.
She didn't take that conversation well and basically wanted to talk me out of taking a step back right then and just seeing how things played out - I did. I should have stuck to my guns and just backed out, but, she was my best friend and I wanted to give it a shot. At the time she had told me she wasn't really into the guy she had started to date and that there was nothing there beyond a couple of dates and it wasn't likely to go anywhere. Or so she said...
Turns out that over the next 5 months from that talk she hid the fact that not only was she still dating this guy but that it had changed from dating to being engaged. Yes, my friend got engaged to some guy that she "was barely dating" in about 6 months time, while spending 5 of those months making it seem like there was no guy and that things were exactly the with her. She kept it a secret because she didn't want me to do what I said and take a step back from the relationship. Well, when the guy proposed to her very recently she finally broke down and told me about the engagement and all way after it had been done. During these few months the amount of contact between us had bee a fraction of what it normally would have been which was my first indication that something was up - once you know someone as well as we knew each other, those things are easy to pick up on. I was shocked and hurt to say the least. The fact that she was still with the guy didn't matter, it was that my best friend had spent the last 5 months lying to me and hiding a huge part of her life when she didn't have too. Then to top off the cake of dishonesty, at one point during her confessional I asked who sh told about the engagement as I wanted to see if I was the last to know. She said "I only told a couple of friends" while not telling me she also made an announcement on Facebook the day before telling me about it. That's more than the 2 friends she told me that she 'only' told. So she lied about that also. Now, to be fair she did say she made a wrong decision and that she was sorry, but at the time I was too upset to really listen and accept the apology - not that that would fix the broken trust or anything.
When I confronted her about all this she said she didn't tell me to spare my feelings all the while neglecting that if she hadn't lied to begin with, I'd have been a lot less hurt. I'd have gotten over the hurt feelings of her wanting another guy, that's no big deal, I'd dated other girls all through the course of our friendship, so I certainly couldn't be hypocritical that she found someone, but I have a hard time reconciling with the lying. So, I was understandably hurt and pissed at being lied to and wrote her a long email (not mean, but thorough) detailing how she hurt me and why what she did broke my trust. I probably shouldn't have sent it but, at that point I didn't see any coming back from the breach of trust. Once she got my email she then, briefly, wrote back that she could tell I was angry and that she agreed we could no longer be friends and to not contact her any more.
This is all very recent, and no, we haven't spoken since. My only thought at the moment, is that we were friends for a very long time and were very, very close and it sucks to lose a good friend, even for a just reason. People make mistakes, we're all human, and I'd like to have her back in my life at some point, as a friend, but I know it would never be the same friendship and I don't think I could ever trust her again. It's hard to cover almost a decade of close friendship in a few paragraphs on a message board, but wanted to get some thoughts on if I should take a chance and try to reconnect. Not anytime soon, the wounds are still too fresh, but I'm trying to not hold grudges anymore or hold onto negative feelings. In the long run, what's the point?
She's given you a gift--she's shown you who she really is. A person who would lie so completely and betray you so deeply isn't someone you want to be with. But you already know this. Take your gift of freedom and move on from this emotional succubus. Grieve, heal your heart and go to therapy to figure why you stayed this long with her. Only when you've done some internal soul searching will you be able to move on, not make the same mistake with subsequent women, and eventually find someone worthy of your love. Dont waste any more time pining over a woman who has never properly returned your love or treated you with the care and respect you've shown her.
To try and be friends again with someone I've known for 20 years and been extremely close with for 10 of those years. That much should have been clear from the thread title if nothing else.
The "feelings" aspect is the least important part of my post. I only included all that so the end portion with the LYING would make more sense. But thanks for replying, I guess...
She's given you a gift--she's shown you who she really is. A person who would lie so completely and betray you so deeply isn't someone you want to be with. But you already know this. Take your gift of freedom and move on from this emotional succubus. Grieve, heal your heart and go to therapy to figure why you stayed this long with her. Only when you've done some internal soul searching will you be able to move on, not make the same mistake with subsequent women, and eventually find someone worthy of your love. Dont waste any more time pining over a woman who has never properly returned your love or treated you with the care and respect you've shown her.
Good luck.
Good reply, thanks!
"Who she really is" that's the part I'm trying to still reconcile. I know that isn't her. She's a good person with a good heart, She was scared of losing the friendship and didn't want to let me go and made bad decisions because of it. Her bad decisions just made things so much worse. I can understand that to a degree. Not the lying, but wanting to preserve all the years we'd been friends.
And I'm not pining for her. My feelings are what they are. I've known for a good long time (long before the first convo to step back) that we just wouldn't work as a couple. Knowing that doesn't stop my feelings for her - especially with all the time we'd spent together. As I said, no control over them, but I can't just shut them off either. That's why it was so important, to me, to be upfront with it all and why I needed to step away for a bit. We were literally too close for not being in a relationship together, to the point people already thought we were a couple because we were always together.
To try and be friends again with someone I've known for 20 years and been extremely close with for 10 of those years. That much should have been clear from the thread title if nothing else.
The "feelings" aspect is the least important part of my post. I only included all that so the end portion with the LYING would make more sense. But thanks for replying, I guess...
It doesn't sound like you have that option. She told you not to contact her again.
It doesn't sound like you have that option. She told you not to contact her again.
Yeah she did...after I told her she destroyed our friendship with the lies. *shrug* People say a lot of things when angry or upset. Rash decisions are what caused this whole situation to begin with. I'm not going to hold something said when all this blew up against her. She lied because she wanted to KEEP me in her life. It's not like she came over and killed my pets writing "we were never friends" on the walls with their blood.
As I said, I'm done holding grudges against people, especially when I understand the 'why's' of what she did. I just took the lying really hard, but I'm moving on from that - in time. Life is too short.
Is it possible we never talk again? Sure, but I wouldn't put money on never seeing/ speaking to her again. One of her uncles lives across the street from me and has family get togethers often.
I understand I think your feelings and the time you've shared a friendship. However, the fact that she's engaged and you have feelings for her in itself I think it's time to try to transition to thinking of it as a great friendship you had, (at least for a while, however the last part of it didn't seem reciprocal)..if I were you I would try and spare myself anymore heartache or disappointment and enjoy in your heart the friendship you once had but now it's time to let it go. Not always easy to do at all but I'm trying to help and I strongly feel like it would be akin to shooting yourself in the foot to attempt to re establish anything with her, and even hoping or waiting with some expectancy for it again, a waste of your time and energy that could be spent on healing, grieving and eventually putting yourself in a position to meet someone who will value you the same you do them.
"Who she really is" that's the part I'm trying to still reconcile. I know that isn't her. She's a good person with a good heart, She was scared of losing the friendship and didn't want to let me go and made bad decisions because of it. Her bad decisions just made things so much worse. I can understand that to a degree. Not the lying, but wanting to preserve all the years we'd been friends.
But that IS her. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She wanted some other guy romantically and you as a friend. She knew you wanted more but didn't think enough of your friendship to tell you the truth. Instead she strung you along with a lie because she selfishly wanted to keep you around so she'd have someone to hang with, so she wouldn't be alone. She's selfish and insecure. Tell me again why you want to maintain a friendship with this self absorbed person? You're justifying her lies and bad treatment because you stil love her and want her in your life, which is understandable at this early stage. You need to accept that all her lies and bad behavior are another side of her you hadn't seen until now. If it "wasn't her," she wouldn't have done it. Lying for 6 months takes a level of deceit that implies she doesn't have a conscience about it or any real remorse for how she's treated you.
Quote:
And I'm not pining for her. My feelings are what they are. I've known for a good long time (long before the first convo to step back) that we just wouldn't work as a couple. Knowing that doesn't stop my feelings for her - especially with all the time we'd spent together. As I said, no control over them, but I can't just shut them off either. That's why it was so important, to me, to be upfront with it all and why I needed to step away for a bit. We were literally too close for not being in a relationship together, to the point people already thought we were a couple because we were always together.
Pining is holding out hope that the relationship will work out the way you want it to, even if deep down you know you're romantically incompatible. If you'd really accepted that you're not right for each other you'd have a far easier time walking away and not trying to find reasons to immediately forgive/forget her atrocious behavior. Honestly, why would you want to maintain any kind of friendship with someone so completely dishonest? She lied so totally and for so long about something fundamental. That's a massive character flaw. Someone who lies like that can't be trusted. Without trust there can be no relationship/friendship. The very foundation for any relationship or friendship is trust. So while I might ultimately forgive her, I'd never be able to trust her enough to let her back in my life again. That's why I suggested you mourn the death of this friendship and move on.
But that IS her. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. She wanted some other guy romantically and you as a friend. She knew you wanted more but didn't think enough of your friendship to tell you the truth. Instead she strung you along with a lie because she selfishly wanted to keep you around so she'd have someone to hang with, so she wouldn't be alone. She's selfish and insecure. Tell me again why you want to maintain a friendship with this self absorbed person? You're justifying her lies and bad treatment because you stil love her and want her in your life, which is understandable at this early stage. You need to accept that all her lies and bad behavior are another side of her you hadn't seen until now. If it "wasn't her," she wouldn't have done it. Lying for 6 months takes a level of deceit that implies she doesn't have a conscience about it or any real remorse for how she's treated you.
Pining is holding out hope that the relationship will work out the way you want it to, even if deep down you know you're romantically incompatible. If you'd really accepted that you're not right for each other you'd have a far easier time walking away and not trying to find reasons to immediately forgive/forget her atrocious behavior. Honestly, why would you want to maintain any kind of friendship with someone so completely dishonest? She lied so totally and for so long about something fundamental. That's a massive character flaw. Someone who lies like that can't be trusted. Without trust there can be no relationship/friendship. The very foundation for any relationship or friendship is trust. So while I might ultimately forgive her, I'd never be able to trust her enough to let her back in my life again. That's why I suggested you mourn the death of this friendship and move on.
Perfect reply! You read the post (the full first one obviously) and pulled out some of the exact thoughts I had but never included. So many kudos to you and I'll rep you for that. Um, if I can figure that out. Usually only read these forums.
My purpose in posting this was not to get advice but to get different perspectives and see if there might be a different way to look at the situation that I hadn't before. Of course all my friend are on my side, but they're my friends, so I expect a level of friend bias in their comments hence throwing this out to the masses on the 'net.
The only thing I disagree with you on is, again, the pining part (and yes, I know exactly what it is, you're just wrong there). I'm not looking or hoping or wanting anything with her. Haven't for sometime which I stated and that's also why I made it a point to bring it up often during the duration of the friendship. I'm not into games and telling her how I felt was just that. I just happened to have feelings grow because we grew so close and spent so much time together. That's really all there is to it. It happens. No big deal, I'm just one of those people that can't just "turn off" their feelings. I already know that about myself. I think it bothered her even more when I told her that a relationship wasn't something I was even looking for with her, but I can't help how I feel. Hell I'd been telling her for some time that "I just feel how I feel. I wish I didn't but I do." I'll get over the "too attached" feelings in time - which is the reason I wanted to step back to begin with. We were too close and it wasn't healthy. The "feelings", though, were not at all the point. The lying (which you got to the root of) is the issue.
Do I still have feelings of love for her? Sure. Probably always will to some degree. That's not pining for her, it's just how I feel. I still have feelings for a lot of women I no longer talk to or date. Just how I am. Doesn't keep me from dating someone else that might come along. One of my other female friends of 20 years that I seriously had feelings for back in high school/early college years knows that I still love her, too. We're friends just fine and yes we still see each other and do things alone together even though she's married. I just keep the important people in my life super close and let them know how I feel. It's not everyone, just the few people that I'm close to. Lol in short I'm not crying in my beer over here. Haha
And no, I have no intentions of contacting her. I just know that never seeing her again is very unlikely. This isn't a big city like Chicago or something that we live in. I'm as likely to run into her, her parents, or any one of her family members at her uncles across the street as I am running into her at Whole foods one day. it's just bound to happen at some point and no, I wouldn't be rude or ignore her. By the time that happens (hopefully not any time real soon) I probably won't even care about the lies at that point. Not for any altruistic reasons, just because I just won't care...
Anyway, my question was more, if this happened to you (generic you) would you give the offender another chance?
And with that I'm off to bed. Good conversation, thanks!
Last edited by Foggy HalfNelson; 09-27-2017 at 01:38 AM..
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