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I don’t know. I’ve seen middle income or working class people do the same type of thing around the poor (like say, not realizing 20 bucks is a big deal). I think people can just not recognize perspectives outside their own reality sometimes. It doesn’t make them bad people.
Right. I have a friend who sort of goes opposite about this a lot though. Like 'that is expensive' all the time. Shut up, you are upper middle class. Your mega vacations are expensive, your two homes are expensive, not Nutragena soap compared to the generic.
I know it's hard to hear about the things others seem to have so easily when you're struggling. I've been on both sides of this equation over the years. I was once super poor, and then for many years just generally making ends meet. Now things have gotten better over time, and with many years of hard work we were able to retire early. When a still-working friend asks me what I've been up to, it's awkward to have to quickly censor everything I say to try and be sensitive. Sometimes the truth pops out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop myself. I get the "It must be nice" or "You're so lucky to be able to... " from time to time, and it's a helpful reminder to me to take it down a notch.
If she questions you about volunteering, etc, just be honest. Say something like "Linda, I drop the kids off at school at 8, work 8:30 to 4:30, and then run the kids to piano and soccer. We get home at 7:00 and barely have time for homework and dinner before bedtime. When am I supposed to find that time?", without sounding snarky, if possible. She just isn't aware of your reality, and it's okay to fill her in on what your life is like.
She sounds like a nice and generous person. I would want to tell her "thanks for helping out at the school, so many of us would like to but are too busy paying the bills". Add a "ha ha" to let her know you really don't begrudge her (you don't, right?). To cut her off because she is fortunate enough to have free time seems sort of petty.
Right. I have a friend who sort of goes opposite about this a lot though. Like 'that is expensive' all the time. Shut up, you are upper middle class. Your mega vacations are expensive, your two homes are expensive, not Nutragena soap compared to the generic.
(What is that, a $3 difference?)
That's how she affords those vacations. We scrimp on many things to have money to spend on things we value more. It's just that everyone has different priorities. I have a friend who keeps her thermostat at 60 in winter, but she goes to Cabo twice a year. I prefer to be warm at home, and I haven't been out of the country in 12 years. To each their own.
Maybe, but like I said the income level among all of us isn't that different per se...but all of the rest of us work outside the home to some degree. So it's not totally uncommon to hear about weekend getaways in general, just not at the snap of the fingers just 'because.'
To some degree. So it isn't unreasonable that some could also volunteer some like she does? Not that y'all have to, but it seems like not an unreasonable thought on her part? A lot of volunteers are passionate and want others to join in whatever their cause is.
, she hasn't worked in almost 2 decades and has enjoyed a very very nice lifestyle not really shared by others in our social circle.
her contributions to a conversation are becoming almost entirely shaped by her fortunate position in her life, something basically none of the rest of us share.
?
I think this is a very organic problem, really. The truth is your friend does live in a different reality than the rest of you do. Her contributions are based in that reality, while yours are based in yours.
Its natural that what we talk about is shaped by our experience. Most people are almost entirely unaware of this. We take it for granted as we go through our life surrounded by people who mostly share our reality -co-workers, family, neighbors, friends.
Things can change though, and quickly, when we discover that someone close to us does not live in our reality (or no longer does).
A good example is when people get divorced. Suddenly they are the single one and find that they no longer fit in with long-term couple friends. Some friendships manage to survive this transition, but many do not.
Ideally, in a situation like the OP describes, everyone can talk openly from and about his/her reality, and no one will get their feathers ruffled. You should feel as comfortable speaking about your reality as she does about hers. If she is sharing about her volunteering you could say, "that sounds really interesting, I wish I was able to get involved in something like that myself."
OP, you might want to explore if you are having any feelings of jealousy or envy toward this person. I have found it can help to just be honest about it. I have a friend who is able to do a lot of traveling. She recently told me about an upcoming trip to the South Pacific, and I do envy her. I said, "wow, that sounds like an amazing trip, I am so jealous!!!!!" and then we laughed about it. It felt better to just admit it than to try to deny I felt that way. Maybe something like that would work with this friend.
Example 1: talking about extensive volunteering at school during school hours, and asking/suggesting the same with us. Only so many times one can say, "would love to, but we're working."
Like I said, I know it's not intentional, and she truly doesn't have a bad bone in her body. If anything, it's naivete, so as others wrote here maybe a quiet contemplative talk would work.
IDK, OP. How many times does someone need to be told, "would love to, but we work"? Most adults only need to be told once. In fact, most adults in her position probably would be privately embarrassed, after being told by the entire groups that they're not in a position to volunteer during the day. They'd remember. So, something else is going on with her.
To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she's just an airhead, and doesn't pay attention. I don't blame you, though, if you all are feeling it's worn thin. Since you've already told her umpteen times, I doubt that pulling her aside and saying something would have an effect. There's something else going on here, is my feeling. Anyway, if she ever brings that topic up again, and recommends volunteering because it's so rewarding, you're within bounds of reasonableness to say, "(Name), you must know by now that we all have weekday jobs, and aren't available for volunteering. We know you enjoy it, and that's great, but I think the topic has been covered sufficiently in prior meetings. I'm sure you can think of other things to share."
If she's temporarily stunned, let her be stunned. Change the subject, let the chat spin off in another direction.
Maybe, but like I said the income level among all of us isn't that different per se...but all of the rest of us work outside the home to some degree. So it's not totally uncommon to hear about weekend getaways in general, just not at the snap of the fingers just 'because.'
It does seem rather strange and insensitive that you have to repeat over and over that you have time restraints due to working though. How difficult can it be to internalize the fact that all the others in a given group work and can't volunteer as much? If the friendship really matters to you, maybe just stay silent rather than groping for a response when she says these things.
It does seem rather strange and insensitive that you have to repeat over and over that you have time restraints due to working though. How difficult can it be to internalize the fact that all the others in a given group work and can't volunteer as much? If the friendship really matters to you, maybe just stay silent rather than groping for a response when she says these things.
Sadly, silence and/or abrupt subject changes seem to be where it's going.
I remember an article in Newsweek magazine that said most Americans don't go to the dentist because of fear of pain. I've never laughed so hard. For someone who is only able to afford a dentist maybe once every five years or so, I'd so take that pain if I could just get to the dentist regularly.
Some people just don't know when they're well off.
It does seem rather strange and insensitive that you have to repeat over and over that you have time restraints due to working though. How difficult can it be to internalize the fact that all the others in a given group work and can't volunteer as much? If the friendship really matters to you, maybe just stay silent rather than groping for a response when she says these things.
I don’t know. I have friends who work (and the OP did say “to some extent”) who are able to volunteer at their children’s schools from time to time. I have one friend who pretty much watches several friends’ kids on days off of school during the school year and he works full time (more than 40 hours a week, actually), but he also gets a lot of vacation time and can built up comp time to be able to do it. He would also go join his daughter at lunch once a week, even though he worked. I have other friends who work full time and are also heavily involved. Just because they can’t volunteer *as much* doesn’t mean they can’t volunteer AT ALL.
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