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My 26-year-old daughter, adopted at age 6, knows how to manipulate people and frequently lies. However, because she has very young children -- ages 5, 4 and 2 -- I have helped her out many times in the past when she has needed my assistance in some way. She knows that I am a soft touch when it involves my grandkids, but because I have caught her lying to get money or help from me in the past, I now insist that before I help her out, that she provides exact and verifiable details by e-mail. This angers her, of course, but I have remained firm.
Well, about three weeks ago, she e-mailed me saying she needed money for a deposit on a new place because she wants to leave her husband now, before their divorce is final. (As part of the divorce agreement, she said that they will have equal custody of the kids, but HE will get the house; I am not sure why, unless it is because it was his parents who loaned them the money for the down payment.) She said that the divorce was her idea because she thinks she can do better on her own. However, I think that she is very wrong about that. He absolutely adores the kids; she admits that he has NOT been abusive in any way, except that he frequently criticizes her; and he has a very good job, while she has no higher education or training.
So, as it is my opinion that she is making a BIG mistake to leave him, I replied saying that, and because of that, I did not want to make it easier for her to do so, and that I would not lend/give her the money to move. So now, since then, she has frequently been phoning me without leaving a message. Although leaving the ringer off works most of the time, sometimes I must leave it on if I am expecting an important call. I have Caller ID and when I see her number, I don't pick up. (I am an introvert and don't like to talk on the phone much, anyway, unless calls are short and to the point.)
I am 99.9% sure that she does not really care about me, but I am the only one in the family with enough money to loan or give. She lives about 200 miles away and only calls or visits when she needs something, which in the past, usually meant extended babysitting. And so now I am either at or very close to the point that I don't think I would care if I never see or talk to her again -- the frequent phone calling is just the latest in a series of unacceptable actions on her part, many of them actually heartbreaking. However, I don't think that changing my e-mail address and phone number (and having it unlisted) is really an option for me because despite all our history, I would hate it if there was ever a TRUE emergency that I could have helped with. (I do have a tendency to feel guilty, even if something was not actually my fault -- something else she uses against me.)
Any advice?
Last edited by katharsis; 10-23-2017 at 04:20 PM..
Stop playing games with your daughter. You are putting her in the position of having to try to read your mind.
Tell her the truth - that you feel hurt that she only seems to contact you when she wants something. “It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even pick up the phone anymore when I know you are on the other end.”
The ball is then in her court as to whether she wants to repair the relationship.
You sound miserable. A counselor should be able to help you come up with healthy ways to deal with her and also assist your grandchildren...and hopefully be less miserable.
Maybe you can help your son in law get full custody as he sounds like the most stable parent. It would be in the best interests of the kids to have a primary home at least 5 days out of the week and every other weekend, not make them split houses. The kids will end up hating the arrangement. If she’s as manipulative as you say there’s a good chance she’ll use the kids as bargaining chips with the husband at every turn, even possibly to dictate his future love life. There will be no consistent parenting because she’ll undermine him at every opportunity, so having primary custody might help limit that influence. I’m watching this very scenario play out with with a cousin. He didn’t take the above advice and is now paying the price with his crazy manipulative ex wife.
If you have the ability to pull up stakes and move closer to him, please do so to help out with the kids. You’ll have a greater involvement in their lives. Im so sorry you’re unable to have a normal loving relationship with your daughter, but that shouldn’t extend to your grandkids because of her bad choices. Good luck to you.
"the divorce was her idea because she thinks she can do better on her own". Well, now is the time for her to prove that - and that DOESN'T mean she constantly comes to you to subsidize her - which she will. Definitely, she will.
FairmindedLL gave good advice above. It will bring much better stability to the kids, and you can work out being able to see the kids without having a price tag attached - even if you do not move closer.
So, as it is my opinion that she is making a BIG mistake to leave him, I replied saying that, and because of that, I did not want to make it easier for her to do so, and that I would not lend/give her the money to move. So now, since then, she has frequently been phoning me without leaving a message. Although leaving the ringer off works most of the time, sometimes I must leave it on if I am expecting an important call. I have Caller ID and when I see her number, I don't pick up. (I am an introvert and don't like to talk on the phone much, anyway, unless calls are short and to the point.)
An idea about the phone calls, not the relationship, sorry
First, a question....you said that you don't pick up now when you know she's calling, but at the same time you are understandably worried if there is a true emergency.
If she can't reach you, who would she call? Maybe one way to reassure yourself is to set up an arrangement with THAT person to get in touch with you immediately if things really do need your attention.
Can you assign her a unique ring tone so you know who's calling without waiting for the caller ID to kick in?
You'd know from across the house. Maybe you could also set up a unique programmed outgoing message (whatever seems appropriate to you, such as "I'll call you back if you have news of the grandkids", etc.). Maybe using this tool can help "retrain" her not to beg for money.
Last edited by Parnassia; 10-23-2017 at 10:35 PM..
Stop playing games with your daughter. You are putting her in the position of having to try to read your mind.
Tell her the truth - that you feel hurt that she only seems to contact you when she wants something. “It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even pick up the phone anymore when I know you are on the other end.”
The ball is then in her court as to whether she wants to repair the relationship.
Thanks for the input, but I don't WANT to "play games", although it seems that is exactly what we ARE doing.
My problem (although I honestly don't see it as being a problem) is that I value honesty and kindness equally, but if my life was on the line and I HAD to pick just one, I would most often choose kindness. My "truth honesty" is in more in the form of not telling lies, but I will often not tell the WHOLE and 100% blunt truth if it might hurt someone, even if the risk is small.
Btw, I was chastized by another poster on another thread about usually referring to my daughter as my adopted daughter, but I do that because I have both read and been told that adopted children -- especially those adopted at older ages -- have a huge fear of being abandoned, and that accounts for a lot of behaviors. So I am especially leery of doing something that MIGHT hurt my daughter, even if it is just a very slim chance of that.
Thanks for the input, but I don't WANT to "play games", although it seems that is exactly what we ARE doing.
My problem (although I honestly don't see it as being a problem) is that I value honesty and kindness equally, but if my life was on the line and I HAD to pick just one, I would most often choose kindness. My "truth honesty" is in more in the form of not telling lies, but I will often not tell the WHOLE and 100% blunt truth if it might hurt someone, even if the risk is small.
Btw, I was chastized by another poster on another thread about usually referring to my daughter as my adopted daughter, but I do that because I have both read and been told that adopted children -- especially those adopted at older ages -- have a huge fear of being abandoned, and that accounts for a lot of behaviors. So I am especially leery of doing something that MIGHT hurt my daughter, even if it is just a very slim chance of that.
Yet you said "And so now I am either at or very close to the point that I don't think I would care if I never see or talk to her again"
Seems your emotions are all over the place.
If anything, help her for your grandchildren but help get her into some sort of therapy. Maybe family counseling?
Your daughter is grown up, and she needs to be responsible for her own actions. Yes, she is your daughter, but you don't own her anything and vice versa. You simply gave birth to her, but it doesn't give her the right to demand anything from you, and vice versa.
You need to be blunt and honest,Period.That is the only way to stop this.If after you are blunt and honest and this is STILL going on...then you need to distance yourself 100% and move on.Sometimes one has to do this because there are very selfish narcissistic people in the world who don't care how it makes you feel...that's why YOU have to care for yourself.
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