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For example, if you say, got a new car, they would say "That's a nice car. But you know what kind of car is REALLY awesome? X car." This is not the kind of car you have.
Or if you were dating someone new. They might say "Oh he/she seems great. But do you know who REALLY has a good looking/smart/interesting partner? So and so." Again this isn't you.
Or your kid wins the spelling bee. "Oh, she is a good speller. But do you know who has a REALLY smart kid? So and so." (Not your kid.)
I have a family member who has done this for years. Recently we had a conversation that went along these lines and I found myself thinking back on many others. Its always the same-- yeah, you are okay but so and so or such and such is just WAY better!"
Does anyone have a clever strategy or come back for these comments? Do you know anyone who does this?
My only nonclever strategy with this is to go along for a few minutes and move on to people who are better suited for conversation.
Those examples sound like forehanded disses to me!
My husband's aunt is the queen of what you're describing though. One Thanksgiving the whole family was together and The Sound of Music was on. I mentioned that I would love to take the Sound of Music tour of Salzburg one day, and she said, "The residents there really hate that."
Guess who has never even been to Salzburg lol. That salty heifer ...
My new neighbor does this EVERY time I speak to her. She lives about 5 houses down, so I only see her at the bus stop in the morning. All her conversations are this way, basically having a comment on anything I (or anyone) might say. It's VERY annoying and she has basically pissed off everyone on the block to the point I (and everyone else on our block) avoid her as much as possible and just ignore her now. She obviously has some issues going on with herself to act like this!
For example, if you say, got a new car, they would say "That's a nice car. But you know what kind of car is REALLY awesome? X car." This is not the kind of car you have.
Or if you were dating someone new. They might say "Oh he/she seems great. But do you know who REALLY has a good looking/smart/interesting partner? So and so." Again this isn't you.
Or your kid wins the spelling bee. "Oh, she is a good speller. But do you know who has a REALLY smart kid? So and so." (Not your kid.)
I have a family member who has done this for years. Recently we had a conversation that went along these lines and I found myself thinking back on many others. Its always the same-- yeah, you are okay but so and so or such and such is just WAY better!"
Does anyone have a clever strategy or come back for these comments? Do you know anyone who does this?
This is classic passive-aggressive behavior. I'm not a therapist, but it just sounds to me like the person you're talking to doesn't feel good about herself, and to make herself feel better she puts you down, but in a backhanded way. That way she can't be accused of actually criticizing you.
But I wonder ... how does she know about your new car, the new person you're dating, your kid's success at the spelling bee? Could it be that she thinks you boast too much about the successes in your life, and this is her way of putting you down?
I like the suggestion above to ask, "Are you trying to make me feel bad?" Then just give them the look that says you are truly waiting for a response to your question. If they're being clods unintentionally, this question would force them to realize what they're actually implying. If they ARE doing it intentionally, it will force them to answer the question as to why they would be so rude and hurtful.
This is classic passive-aggressive behavior. I'm not a therapist, but it just sounds to me like the person you're talking to doesn't feel good about herself, and to make herself feel better she puts you down, but in a backhanded way. That way she can't be accused of actually criticizing you.
But I wonder ... how does she know about your new car, the new person you're dating, your kid's success at the spelling bee? Could it be that she thinks you boast too much about the successes in your life, and this is her way of putting you down?
All of these were examples that were not taken directly from my life and were given as a "for instance." I don't have a child for one. Basically if anything comes up organically like lets say we are moving...thats what is going on in our lives, this person will say that there's a better place to move. You really just can't talk about anything, much less brag. This individual always knows better.
In my opinion, what you're describing isn't really a backhanded anything. You are being compared, and come up lacking.
Now...I used to know someone who handed out back handed compliments. One I particularly remember was "What cute pants! Usually you don't look good in that color, but it works this time!"
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