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Having been through two executor situations, something seems very "off" with this situation. Has Grandma even talked with an estate lawyer? Does she understand about probate?
*I* don't understand probate so I don't have the right questions to ask my grandmother. I spoke to her yesterday and she claimed that she was working with their lawyer. I don't know what that means in the grand scheme of things, though. It may be that little goes through probate because of the way the house was titled?
My family seems to take out their grudges through wills. My grandfather (grandmother's ex-husband) was angry at my mom, so he wrote my brother and I out of his life and will. He wouldn't even take my calls when I was sick, probably because he thought I was sniffing around for money. He was a multimillionaire- I don't know what exactly my cousins got, but they got enough to buy 3/4 of a million dollar homes on teacher and librarian's salaries in their early 20s recently after my grandfather passed away. I wouldn't be surprised if my grandmother got angry that the step kids are angry and try to write them out of the will completely. It's a mess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness
I think you should mind your own business.
Your grandmother can do whatever she wishes with her home.
Of course she can do whatever she wants with her home, however this action impacts me significantly because I am now the only family member "close by" so I am expected to fill in the immense gap that my uncle's family filled regarding caretaking. She is not in a position to need significant help now - though she will now need to hire help for winter around the home - but that could change in a blink at her age. Either I fill that need, or she goes without. And I can't fill that need. From speaking to my grandmother on the phone yesterday, the fact that I'm not going to jump in and help (despite living an hour and a half away, having more than a full time job, and trying to relocate to another part of the country) is a big shock. My mother, who I no longer speak to, had apparently promised my grandmother that I will be around more. I can't be around more than I already am.
No one else in my family is going to get involved, including my parents who are trying to secure their own retirement by pushing my grandmother to have as many assets as possible ready for them, including the house she lives in now. It's kind of hard to sit by on the sidelines when I know my parents are manipulating the situation with little regard for how it will impact anyone who is actually here.
I am minding my own business by trying to get answers: this is my business. These are decisions that impact me, and while it's clear that I come from a dysfunctional family that couldn't care less about putting responsibility on those in the family the least able to take them on logistically, I would feel horrible abandoning my grandmother when she has no one else. Right now, she has NO. ONE. ELSE. locally. Her stepkids provided a lot of support over the years, and she was very close to them. Now she no longer has the help of those closest to her both physically and emotionally, and the other kids won't have anything to do with her. I just want to get to the root of *why* she did it and if she understands what that means for her future.
*I* don't understand probate so I don't have the right questions to ask my grandmother. I spoke to her yesterday and she claimed that she was working with their lawyer. I don't know what that means in the grand scheme of things, though. It may be that little goes through probate because of the way the house was titled?
My family seems to take out their grudges through wills. My grandfather (grandmother's ex-husband) was angry at my mom, so he wrote my brother and I out of his life and will. He wouldn't even take my calls when I was sick, probably because he thought I was sniffing around for money. He was a multimillionaire- I don't know what exactly my cousins got, but they got enough to buy 3/4 of a million dollar homes on teacher and librarian's salaries in their early 20s recently after my grandfather passed away. I wouldn't be surprised if my grandmother got angry that the step kids are angry and try to write them out of the will completely. It's a mess.
Of course she can do whatever she wants with her home, however this action impacts me significantly because I am now the only family member "close by" so I am expected to fill in the immense gap that my uncle's family filled regarding caretaking. She is not in a position to need significant help now - though she will now need to hire help for winter around the home - but that could change in a blink at her age. Either I fill that need, or she goes without. And I can't fill that need. From speaking to my grandmother on the phone yesterday, the fact that I'm not going to jump in and help (despite living an hour and a half away, having more than a full time job, and trying to relocate to another part of the country) is a big shock. My mother, who I no longer speak to, had apparently promised my grandmother that I will be around more. I can't be around more than I already am.
No one else in my family is going to get involved, including my parents who are trying to secure their own retirement by pushing my grandmother to have as many assets as possible ready for them, including the house she lives in now. It's kind of hard to sit by on the sidelines when I know my parents are manipulating the situation with little regard for how it will impact anyone who is actually here.
I am minding my own business by trying to get answers: this is my business. These are decisions that impact me, and while it's clear that I come from a dysfunctional family that couldn't care less about putting responsibility on those in the family the least able to take them on logistically, I would feel horrible abandoning my grandmother when she has no one else. Right now, she has NO. ONE. ELSE. locally. Her stepkids provided a lot of support over the years, and she was very close to them. Now she no longer has the help of those closest to her both physically and emotionally, and the other kids won't have anything to do with her. I just want to get to the root of *why* she did it and if she understands what that means for her future.
Are you being honest with yourself? It is starting to sound like you are putting the guilt you feel, at not being able to/or not wanting to change your plans to help Grandma, onto your parents.
Honestly, your mother isn't helping her by promising her your assistance without at least discussing that with you first. Perhaps your parents should buy the home from her, so they can be of more assistance to her, if they are so worried about acquiring her assets once she has passed. You might want to put that idea out there if your mom comes back at you with anything.
If you are right about what they are doing, they could end up with a big surprise. It has been my experience that life hardly ever turns out the way we plan. She could very well leave any assets she ends up having left to an animal shelter or another charity, considering all the real help everyone is being.
I believe Grandma. Just because she is 83 doesn't mean she doesn't know what she is doing. A lot of times, someone's body will fail with age, but their wits remain sharp as a tack. She is working with her attorney to assure the best outcome for herself, as she should at her age. She is the only one really doing anything but talking (if I understand correctly) at this point.
You say it is all out of your control. Accept that fact and stop simply picking up the phone. It's obviously not helping anyone.
You could say your uncle and his family got their inheritance upfront, and wouldn't be wrong in saying so. $500 a month is a cheap rent to pay for a home and business. $500 x 12 months year x 30 years equals $180,000. They could easily turn out to be the only one's that got anything out this.
Last edited by ComeCloser; 11-12-2017 at 06:44 AM..
*I* don't understand probate so I don't have the right questions to ask my grandmother. I spoke to her yesterday and she claimed that she was working with their lawyer. I don't know what that means in the grand scheme of things, though. It may be that little goes through probate because of the way the house was titled?
My family seems to take out their grudges through wills. My grandfather (grandmother's ex-husband) was angry at my mom, so he wrote my brother and I out of his life and will. He wouldn't even take my calls when I was sick, probably because he thought I was sniffing around for money. He was a multimillionaire- I don't know what exactly my cousins got, but they got enough to buy 3/4 of a million dollar homes on teacher and librarian's salaries in their early 20s recently after my grandfather passed away. I wouldn't be surprised if my grandmother got angry that the step kids are angry and try to write them out of the will completely. It's a mess.
Of course she can do whatever she wants with her home, however this action impacts me significantly because I am now the only family member "close by" so I am expected to fill in the immense gap that my uncle's family filled regarding caretaking. She is not in a position to need significant help now - though she will now need to hire help for winter around the home - but that could change in a blink at her age. Either I fill that need, or she goes without. And I can't fill that need. From speaking to my grandmother on the phone yesterday, the fact that I'm not going to jump in and help (despite living an hour and a half away, having more than a full time job, and trying to relocate to another part of the country) is a big shock. My mother, who I no longer speak to, had apparently promised my grandmother that I will be around more. I can't be around more than I already am.
No one else in my family is going to get involved, including my parents who are trying to secure their own retirement by pushing my grandmother to have as many assets as possible ready for them, including the house she lives in now. It's kind of hard to sit by on the sidelines when I know my parents are manipulating the situation with little regard for how it will impact anyone who is actually here.
I am minding my own business by trying to get answers: this is my business. These are decisions that impact me, and while it's clear that I come from a dysfunctional family that couldn't care less about putting responsibility on those in the family the least able to take them on logistically, I would feel horrible abandoning my grandmother when she has no one else. Right now, she has NO. ONE. ELSE. locally. Her stepkids provided a lot of support over the years, and she was very close to them. Now she no longer has the help of those closest to her both physically and emotionally, and the other kids won't have anything to do with her. I just want to get to the root of *why* she did it and if she understands what that means for her future.
She doesn't have to explain herself or justify anything to anyone and probably having everyone hound her about private financial info and the details of their inheritance, is NOT helping, not loving and not supportive. You want to be there for her by calling and just listening and being compassionate is great but trying to get answers is none of your business.
UPDATE: I spoke to my grandmother last night. She was fairly tight lipped about the whole thing, saying it was like WWIII and stressing her out, but she also mentioned that it was because she "might" need money in the future. I asked her to please stop sending my other uncle (her son) and my mom money if she even had the slightest inclination that she might need it, especially since my uncle just spent $1000 she sent him to help with her 6 year old grandson who has a brain tumor on a motorcycle. She said she could afford to help, and maybe *some* of that money would reach my cousin. The dysfunction continues...
As I noted in my last response to someone else, my grandmother seems shocked that I'm not going to be able to take a bigger role in her care. She once again said she would under no circumstances leave her home, and that she would need help getting to some appointments since she's not comfortable driving in snow or more than 10 minutes away. I told her I could come up every other weekend, but that I couldn't miss work and am myself not comfortable driving the hour and a half (and, in traffic or bad weather much more) in snow to help.
Her lawyer is involved in everything going on, so she's not acting without some legal backing.
UPDATE: I spoke to my grandmother last night. She was fairly tight lipped about the whole thing, saying it was like WWIII and stressing her out, but she also mentioned that it was because she "might" need money in the future. I asked her to please stop sending my other uncle (her son) and my mom money if she even had the slightest inclination that she might need it, especially since my uncle just spent $1000 she sent him to help with her 6 year old grandson who has a brain tumor on a motorcycle. She said she could afford to help, and maybe *some* of that money would reach my cousin. The dysfunction continues...
As I noted in my last response to someone else, my grandmother seems shocked that I'm not going to be able to take a bigger role in her care. She once again said she would under no circumstances leave her home, and that she would need help getting to some appointments since she's not comfortable driving in snow or more than 10 minutes away. I told her I could come up every other weekend, but that I couldn't miss work and am myself not comfortable driving the hour and a half (and, in traffic or bad weather much more) in snow to help.
Her lawyer is involved in everything going on, so she's not acting without some legal backing.
charolastra, please continue to be very firm with your grandmother. If coming to help every other weekend will not damage your health, career or personal life that is fine but if it becomes too much for you tell grandma that you will only be able to come to see her and help her, perhaps, one weekend a month.
From what you have written about your family I would suggest that you make your boundaries like a tall, stone wall - completely immovable and impassible. You said that you would not take off of work to drive her to any appointment. Never agree to do that, even one time. I suspect that if you agree to do it once because it is an emergency, she will demand that you take off of work again and again and again to drive her.
And, if the weather is bad, please follow through and cancel your weekend visit. Do not risk getting in a car accident.
Also, do not let grandma's problems interfere with your career. If you want to move across the country please do that. Make a reasonable effort to see/help grandma. Perhaps promise to visit one long weekend every six months, or one week a year. Do not let her guilt you into jeopardizing your career or your health.
BTW, that is absolutely ridiculous that your mother offered your help to grandma. If your mother wants to help she should do that but she should not have volunteered someone else in her place. Sheesh!
I definitely feel guilty that I can't be there more. Part of the reason why I feel so guilty and so obligated to help is my grandmother is the one member of the family who, throughout my life, has been there at least emotionally and loved me unconditionally. I can't even say that about my own parents. When it comes to me, she's been quick to listen, forgive, and support. When I was sick, she was not as present as I would have liked, but she called frequently (and never, ever talked about her or my grandfather's health), made sure I went home with a full stomach and groceries when I came to visit during chemo (even if she couldn't make the drive to visit me herself), and would often sneak a $20 into my coat pocket or purse when I visited. It may not sound like much, but it's more than any of the rest of my family did and her involvement in my life is the least toxic of any of my family members. When she eventually passes, all I will really have in the way of family is my brother and his family - and they're distant at best.
She's not stupid or senile, but I've never seen this vindictive side to her. Whether it's legally right or wrong, not approaching my uncle's family about a needed change to the commonly understood arrangements in advance seems out of character which is why I am concerned that either she's vulnerable to my mom's plotting OR she's having some kind of breakdown so soon after my grandfather's death.
Please know that as much as I'm typing here, I'm saying a whole lot less. For the most part, I'm just listening and being supportive while privately being horrified. My only suggestions to my grandmother have been to cut off my mom and uncle from the bank of grandma and to consider getting a Life Alert type apparatus, as well as began to set up my boundaries regarding how frequently I will be able to help. I have not, and will not, tell her she is wrong with what she is doing. She's going from having people drop in every single day to having me come up every other weekend - I can't shake this idea that she may become incapacitated and have no way of letting anyone know she needs help. She speaks to my mom (1000 miles away), my bio-uncle (3000 miles away), and a great aunt (also elderly and living in Florida) every day so if she didn't answer the phone, people would know, but it's an awful feeling knowing that her already small social circle is getting even smaller. She has one friend she sees regularly, but all of the other friends and family she used to be close to have passed away or moved to Florida. She's the last one standing.
charolastra, please continue to be very firm with your grandmother. If coming to help every other weekend will not damage your health, career or personal life that is fine but if it becomes too much for you tell grandma that you will only be able to come to see her and help her, perhaps, one weekend a month.
From what you have written about your family I would suggest that you make your boundaries like a tall, stone wall - completely immovable and impassible. You said that you would not take off of work to drive her to any appointment. Never agree to do that, even one time. I suspect that if you agree to do it once because it is an emergency, she will demand that you take off of work again and again and again to drive her.
And, if the weather is bad, please follow through and cancel your weekend visit. Do not risk getting in a car accident.
Also, do not let grandma's problems interfere with your career. If you want to move across the country please do that. Make a reasonable effort to see/help grandma. Perhaps promise to visit one long weekend every six months, or one week a year. Do not let her guilt you into jeopardizing your career or your health.
BTW, that is absolutely ridiculous that your mother offered your help to grandma. If your mother wants to help she should do that but she should not have volunteered someone else in her place. Sheesh!
This is advice I need to hear. Thanks.
With regards to my mother, I broke almost 2 year's no-contact with her to find out what was going on (she sent me a social media message through my grandmother's account with a hysterical account of how my uncle was being a "butt") and to try to get on the same page with regards to care plans with my grandmother. At no point would she actually engage with me about the topic at hand, and instead tried to guilt me back into having a relationship with her and my father. It took everything I could to end the conversation and tell her that if she wanted to talk about our family's plan to make sure my grandmother is safe and comfortable, then I would talk but if not we would need to end the conversation. The conversation ended and then somehow she unilaterally decided I would be dropping everything to assist. Then she hopped on a plane and left. It is also hard looking at the future knowing that I will not be able to have civil conversations with the other person who will likely be most involved.
In the past, I have taken off of work to go with my grandparents to appointments if they're going to be major. I am the "family doctor" and the one who is called in to take notes and ask questions. I've even been doing so with my 6 year old cousin who lives on the other side of the country - his doctors have me as the point person because my uncle is not able to understand what is being told to him (not that anyone would if their child had a brain tumor and they themself are seriously ill). It's a mess. But making a few phone calls on my lunch break or going to take notes at an appointment once a quarter is very different from weekly appointments.
It is not uncommon to have an appraisal of Realtor come through after a death.
On a positive note it seems your Grandmother is willing to part with the property so sounds like an opportunity?
Where I live a contested eviction can drag on for months if not longer... often a deal is struck in exchange for voluntarily vacating.
If your Uncle is evicted your Grandmother would have to dispose of any property left in accordance with applicable law...
What I am saying is this is often a process...
When Dad passed... Mom did not get a penny for 20 years from her Brother In Law yet Dad owned 50% of the business property...
Mom had every right to fight it but took stock of what she had and decided it would not change her very modest lifestyle one bit so she let it go... her lawyer said she was a very smart woman...
With regards to my mother, I broke almost 2 year's no-contact with her to find out what was going on (she sent me a social media message through my grandmother's account with a hysterical account of how my uncle was being a "butt") and to try to get on the same page with regards to care plans with my grandmother. At no point would she actually engage with me about the topic at hand, and instead tried to guilt me back into having a relationship with her and my father. It took everything I could to end the conversation and tell her that if she wanted to talk about our family's plan to make sure my grandmother is safe and comfortable, then I would talk but if not we would need to end the conversation. The conversation ended and then somehow she unilaterally decided I would be dropping everything to assist. Then she hopped on a plane and left. It is also hard looking at the future knowing that I will not be able to have civil conversations with the other person who will likely be most involved.
In the past, I have taken off of work to go with my grandparents to appointments if they're going to be major. I am the "family doctor" and the one who is called in to take notes and ask questions. I've even been doing so with my 6 year old cousin who lives on the other side of the country - his doctors have me as the point person because my uncle is not able to understand what is being told to him (not that anyone would if their child had a brain tumor and they themself are seriously ill). It's a mess. But making a few phone calls on my lunch break or going to take notes at an appointment once a quarter is very different from weekly appointments.
You can always help by providing a taxi to appointments. It's not reasonable to expect you to be your grandmother's caretaker, nor should others volunteer you, and you shouldn't feel guilty. There are services, like health advocates, who might help with appointments, and perhaps you can find some in her area. Other than that it's probably wiser all round to stay out of the drama, and the triangulation that comes with abusive family members.
Perhaps check out aarp https://www.aarp.org/health/doctors-..._advocate.html
I definitely feel guilty that I can't be there more. Part of the reason why I feel so guilty and so obligated to help is my grandmother is the one member of the family who, throughout my life, has been there at least emotionally and loved me unconditionally. I can't even say that about my own parents. When it comes to me, she's been quick to listen, forgive, and support. When I was sick, she was not as present as I would have liked, but she called frequently (and never, ever talked about her or my grandfather's health), made sure I went home with a full stomach and groceries when I came to visit during chemo (even if she couldn't make the drive to visit me herself), and would often sneak a $20 into my coat pocket or purse when I visited. It may not sound like much, but it's more than any of the rest of my family did and her involvement in my life is the least toxic of any of my family members. When she eventually passes, all I will really have in the way of family is my brother and his family - and they're distant at best.
She's not stupid or senile, but I've never seen this vindictive side to her. Whether it's legally right or wrong, not approaching my uncle's family about a needed change to the commonly understood arrangements in advance seems out of character which is why I am concerned that either she's vulnerable to my mom's plotting OR she's having some kind of breakdown so soon after my grandfather's death.
Please know that as much as I'm typing here, I'm saying a whole lot less. For the most part, I'm just listening and being supportive while privately being horrified. My only suggestions to my grandmother have been to cut off my mom and uncle from the bank of grandma and to consider getting a Life Alert type apparatus, as well as began to set up my boundaries regarding how frequently I will be able to help. I have not, and will not, tell her she is wrong with what she is doing.
She's going from having people drop in every single day to having me come up every other weekend - I can't shake this idea that she may become incapacitated and have no way of letting anyone know she needs help. She speaks to my mom (1000 miles away), my bio-uncle (3000 miles away), and a great aunt (also elderly and living in Florida) every day so if she didn't answer the phone, people would know, but it's an awful feeling knowing that her already small social circle is getting even smaller. She has one friend she sees regularly, but all of the other friends and family she used to be close to have passed away or moved to Florida. She's the last one standing.
I know that you love your grandmother but you have to remember that she is the one who did things (evicting relatives, changing the well established distribution of assets -the house that your uncle was promised for decades, etc) that changed her life from having a lot of nearby willing helpers and daily visitors to the current situation. You don't know why she did those things but she may just have to live with the consequences of her actions.
When the dust settles there are things that you can do. Perhaps making sure that grandma has the number of the senior taxi service or Uber to take her to doctors appointment or shopping. Perhaps you can help her set up grocery and pharmacy delivery services. Maybe even helping her hire a part time aide or part time worker to help her with chores. And, yes, a Life Alert type of system is a great idea.
Good luck.
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