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I think this is one of those examples of "it takes all kinds of kinds", sung by Miranda Lambert. A very empathetic song about how everyone's different, but that's fine.
In my world, if a mother who is aging says "I'm not hosting thanksgiving anymore" that means "one of you younger women (or men) pick up this duty, I've done my turn".
So your mother made good, and wasn't going to host.
So it seems your sister in law picked up on that signal, and when you, the daughter didn't offer to host she took the reins herself and generously offered to host and organize. And she sent you a text telling you what to bring to contribute.
In my world, I'd be kissing her face. She's married in to a family where the matriarch is no longer hosting Thanksgiving, and after waiting until the last minute in case the daughter wants to do that, she is doing it herself.
What's not to love about that?
I guess again, I just don't understand it because it's not my perspective.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
Hello last minute plans. If she had offered with enough time then yes be gracious. But assuming no plans had been made by Monday is asking for a decline.
An old aunt , who used to invite me regularly to "classy" family get-togethers , was upset when I refused to attend a reunion (I was already a 45 yo man), pretexting I was in bad terms with my mum, which wasn't quite true (in fact I hated the formality of these reunions, but didn't have the gall to express that feeling bluntly). Her demeanor towards me changed completely after that, she didn't solicit me anymore. And she made me pay dearly a few months later(in shaming me during my cousin's marriage) : I was going back to my table with dish well filled at the buffet ; she stopped me and said : "hello, Pigeon, it's been a long time, how are you doing" ? I clumsily answered : "don't you remember auntie I saw you at µµµµncle funeral ? "-"but my dear , that was years ago! never mind, enjoy your dessert, and I look forward at seeing you again in a few years at another happy occasion " .... I think that my face then turned purple red. I didn't ask for more verbal beatings and left her table with as much dignity as I could muster, without uttering a single word . That aunt sure knew how to be subtly demeaning , not surprising, she had been a long-serving politician as Mayor of her town.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MurphyPl1
Hello last minute plans. If she had offered with enough time then yes be gracious. But assuming no plans had been made by Monday is asking for a decline.
Well, again, it's about perspective. And I get that not everyone has the "the more the merrier" philosophy.
I've spent a couple thanksgivings with just my husband, my elderly dad in an independent living facility and myself. It's kind of lonely. Doesn't feel right. Logistics made it impossible to join a bigger celebration.
If someone invited me on Wednesday night to come join their Thanksgiving, and we were physically able to, we'd have been there, bringing the thawed turkey and all the fixings.
But I'm coming to appreciate there are those who prefer quieter dinners with plans made well in advance and don't like to be told what to contribute.
Family should be a priority. No one should have to look at general public etiquette manuals to figure out how to deal with them.
Perhaps they are having trouble getting attendees for the event, and that's why they press you on 'why' you cant come?
What if someone has payed hundreds of dollars for a concert, or they accepted another invitation from a relative elswhere, or they don't have a close relationship with that person sending the rsvp, or they suffered any kind of abuse from said relative?
The op had the good manners to reply to a rspv. Last time I looked an invitation was not a command but a request to be accepted or declined.
Well, again, it's about perspective. And I get that not everyone has the "the more the merrier" philosophy.
I've spent a couple thanksgivings with just my husband, my elderly dad in an independent living facility and myself. It's kind of lonely. Doesn't feel right. Logistics made it impossible to join a bigger celebration.
If someone invited me on Wednesday night to come join their Thanksgiving, and we were physically able to, we'd have been there, bringing the thawed turkey and all the fixings.
But I'm coming to appreciate there are those who prefer quieter dinners with plans made well in advance and don't like to be told what to contribute.
I'm pretty much in the "more is hell" camp. I completely appreciate that some people are energized by events like this. Unfortunately those same people have a hard time understanding that people like me are drained. Throw in family dynamics and it's a recipe for disaster. I've cried myself to sleep on more than one holiday occasion due to nasty siblings and not wanting my parents to have to deal with any friction.
I'd NEVER show up anywhere with a thawed turkey to assume I could cook it in someone else's oven. Nor would I put my own plans on hold to do that. Sure if I was really bored I'd consider it but I am rarely bored.
I have no problem spending time alone. It's refreshing. I work with the public so attending something with a lot of people on a day off is not inviting to me. It's too loud, too busy. I can't catch up with anyone. So what's the point really? That I'm "doing family things"? "Making an appearance"? Who exactly does it benefit? IMO just the shallow people who think that "making an appearance" is important.
There's obviously quite a bit of back story and past events missing from my post, but I will say that sticking to my guns and making our own turkey (the first one I ever made!) and spending the day with my SO (after we each did some stuff that was important to us individually) was one of the best decisions I ever made. This year will be my third year doing it and I'm really looking forward to it. He normally cooks dinners so he's looking forward to me cooking for a change too!
I much prefer to catch up with my family - my parents especially - on non-holiday time, when we can really talk and enjoy each others company.
You however would get along great with my SIL!
ps - I'd have to say that spending Thanksgiving with your dad and husband *in an independent living facility* is what didn't feel right, not that there weren't a lot of people. That's how I'd feel about that anyway.
I think this is one of those examples of "it takes all kinds of kinds", sung by Miranda Lambert. A very empathetic song about how everyone's different, but that's fine.
In my world, if a mother who is aging says "I'm not hosting thanksgiving anymore" that means "one of you younger women (or men) pick up this duty, I've done my turn".
So your mother made good, and wasn't going to host.
So it seems your sister in law picked up on that signal, and when you, the daughter didn't offer to host she took the reins herself and generously offered to host and organize. And she sent you a text telling you what to bring to contribute.
In my world, I'd be kissing her face. She's married in to a family where the matriarch is no longer hosting Thanksgiving, and after waiting until the last minute in case the daughter wants to do that, she is doing it herself.
What's not to love about that?
I guess again, I just don't understand it because it's not my perspective.
Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving!
lol. she waited until 3 days before. That's what's not to love about that...
An old aunt , who used to invite me regularly to "classy" family get-togethers , was upset when I refused to attend a reunion (I was already a 45 yo man), pretexting I was in bad terms with my mum, which wasn't quite true (in fact I hated the formality of these reunions, but didn't have the gall to express that feeling bluntly). Her demeanor towards me changed completely after that, she didn't solicit me anymore. And she made me pay dearly a few months later(in shaming me during my cousin's marriage) : I was going back to my table with dish well filled at the buffet ; she stopped me and said : "hello, Pigeon, it's been a long time, how are you doing" ? I clumsily answered : "don't you remember auntie I saw you at µµµµncle funeral ? "-"but my dear , that was years ago! never mind, enjoy your dessert, and I look forward at seeing you again in a few years at another happy occasion " .... I think that my face then turned purple red. I didn't ask for more verbal beatings and left her table with as much dignity as I could muster, without uttering a single word . That aunt sure knew how to be subtly demeaning , not surprising, she had been a long-serving politician as Mayor of her town.
I would have told her to F off lol. What a trash person.
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