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Shortly after my parents told me I wasn't going to be getting a horse when I turned 16, I got into a discussion with my mother on the subject. After she told me that I could have a horse when I was an adult and could afford to buy it and care for it myself, I replied "By the time that day comes I'll be too busy and too old and too fat to want to ride!"
Jump ahead in time several decades; my close friend at work has been laid off, and is looking for a new position. She's forced to cut back on expenses, which means getting rid of the two horses she owns. One (her daughter's pet) is elderly, and the other (her daughter's show horse) is only sound when shod in special, very expensive shoes. She's had to tell her daughter that one or more of the horses may have to be put down if new homes can't be found for them soon, and her daughter is understandably upset. So I tell my friend "If you can't find a new home for either or both of your horses, I'll take them." And then the first thought that popped into my head was "PLEASE, God, let her find new homes for those horses, because I don't want to shell out $1,000/month to maintain animals I have no time to ride and which may not be up to my weight!" And then I laughed when I remembered that decades-old chat with my Mom. My 16-year-old-self had been right! My 50-year-old self WAS too busy to ride much (not to mention older and fatter), and also appreciated just how expensive horses truly are to keep. Such is life!
OP, have a frank talk with your daughter. Tell her you had thought at the time you made that rash promise that you'd have the money to keep it, but life got in the way. She may (like my adolescent self) throw a hissy fit, but when she's older she'll appreciate both the financial realities of the situation and the pressure she'd put on you to make her happy that led you to make such a foolish promise in the first place.
This reminds me of my own childhood too. I grew up riding horses in a lesson program, but my family was never willing to buy me one. We lived in an upper-middleclass community, so most of the kids I rode with had their own horses. Most of kids in the community had everything they wanted. We didn't. The one thing I wanted was a horse, but it was never going to happen in my family. I was extremely privileged (I realized as an adult) to be able to take once-a-week lessons. Anything more than that, I had to ride my bike to a barn and muck stalls to beg for a ride.
Well, let me say that not having this given to me as a kid or teenager has motivated me to work hard all of my life with the hope that I could one day realize my dream. I worked and took risks in my career, always with this as one of my goals. Finally, when I was about 45, I was able to realize this dream. I had wanted a horse from about when I was 5 years old. 40 years later, I was able to give it to myself through my own hard work. It was a sweet, sweet moment.
Oh, most of those kids I knew that had horses given to them? They gave up riding once someone wasn't footing the bill.
Why are you intent on equalizing the candy distribution between your daughters, when the price tags for the other gifts are so dramatically out of balance? Shouldn't your younger daughter get something special just for her? I think you ought to give your older daughter exactly one piece of candy, and then stuff your younger daughter's stocking full of it. It still won't be anywhere even close to equal, but at least it'll make your younger daughter feel a little less than a total afterthought.
We're counting candy pieces now? Older children do sometimes get more expensive things, and the younger ones will also when they are older. When my brother got a car, nothing was equalized for me. Nor did it need to be. I don't think candy was scrimped on lol. Later I got a car and my younger sisters did not get anything to equalize that. Then they got their things, and me being in college did not get anything except participation in secret santa with the other adults, so there was the equalization.
We're counting candy pieces now? Older children do sometimes get more expensive things, and the younger ones will also when they are older. When my brother got a car, nothing was equalized for me. Nor did it need to be. I don't think candy was scrimped on lol. Later I got a car and my younger sisters did not get anything to equalize that. Then they got their things, and me being in college did not get anything except participation in secret santa with the other adults, so there was the equalization.
somehow i don’t think there will be equalization here - as at least right now the younger daughter is not exhibiting this kind of manipulative, demanding behavior. and his financial challenges don’t sound like they are going to go away anytime soon. when the younger is 16, the older will be in college or university and he certainly will not be able to find the $$ for whatever the status symbol is of that time period. my parents never gave us expensive gifts like that when we were still in school. when we were older and they had some $$ saved they would give large gifts towards the purchase of something like a furniture set for a new house, they always made sure we each got the same exact amount. my sister has two of her own children and is a SAHM, and often gives extra money for my nephews. and despite being at a point in our lives where we do not need expensive gifts, she insists on giving me the same amount she gives to my nephews. i have to say, that although i have saved a lot of that $$ to give back to my nephews to help pay for their college costs, i do appreciate the sentiment, as kids, regardless of age, do keep track of those kinds of things and one child getting more does make the other feel less than. i am sure despite the kind, generous attitude of the OP’s youngest, she does feel very bad about this on some level. when she receives her backpack and book on christmas morning and her older sister gets the picture of the iphone X, she is really going to feel it. that morning will be ALL about her older sister, just like it always probably is anyway.
OP....I hope that you'll update after Christmas and let us know if your 16 year old was appeased or upset when she finds out that she'll be waiting for a couple of months to actually get her iphone.
My Mom who is since passed used to shower my oldest two with the latest and most expensive items, things like Air Jordans for a 12 year old...mailing them from Calif. to our home states away.
I distinctly remember when I had to call her and make her stop. My kids had started to expect it. And they also seemed to think that they were entitled, and it turned into I want rather than Wow, what a nice gift from G.Ma.
I am glad that I did. I think it helped them to become the grounded adults that they are.
I am not still mad about the paper. At the time it was a big deal because I didn't want there to be a fight over it. The point was unhealthy dynamics. I truncated sharing some examples in both directions. I most certainly didn't get what I wanted all the time. The point was there were times my Dad was caught between me and SM, who is his life partner, the way OP feels caught between wife and daughter.
I did not mean to imply you were spoiled.
My point is that being between a child and a partner who is not a bio parent is simply not the same as a dynamic between two parents and their child.
A parent should always side with the child over a step parent though in some cases siding with the child might not feel like that to the kid. (In this case, getting a cheaper phone perhaps.)
A parent should never side with the kid over the kid's other parent, their spouse. In that case, it is a joint front of parents. You might disagree but you should come to a compromise or joint communication.
I think you are seeing this from a step child's point of view in which parents aren't a unified front, in which one of the adults is always up for criticism. It is a valid viewpoint but OP has the opportunity to be a good dad by putting his foot down and supporting his wife in parenting a spoiled child.
In spite of his pleas to his sister he STILL has the chance to do the right thing financially and morally. He can still say "no, I made a mistake and this is what you get."
It would be a million times better for his relationships with his sister, his wife, and his daughters. An honest and humble decision made to be kind, not to be liked or admired.
OP has returned and answered a half dozen or so inquiries but has never explained why he is insisting on getting the iphone X when the "promise" was simply for an iphone, any iphone.
My point is that being between a child and a partner who is not a bio parent is simply not the same as a dynamic between two parents and their child.
A parent should always side with the child over a step parent though in some cases siding with the child might not feel like that to the kid. (In this case, getting a cheaper phone perhaps.)
A parent should never side with the kid over the kid's other parent, their spouse. In that case, it is a joint front of parents. You might disagree but you should come to a compromise or joint communication.
I think you are seeing this from a step child's point of view in which parents aren't a unified front, in which one of the adults is always up for criticism. It is a valid viewpoint but OP has the opportunity to be a good dad by putting his foot down and supporting his wife in parenting a spoiled child.
In spite of his pleas to his sister he STILL has the chance to do the right thing financially and morally. He can still say "no, I made a mistake and this is what you get."
It would be a million times better for his relationships with his sister, his wife, and his daughters. An honest and humble decision made to be kind, not to be liked or admired.
Good luck OP.
Not to derail the thread but the awful sentiments in your posts regarding stepmoms are why I stayed away from men with kids.
That's the only answer that needs to be given. Parents don't have to explain or justify themselves or their decisions beyond "because I said so." "...because we can't afford it."
OP has returned and answered a half dozen or so inquiries but has never explained why he is insisting on getting the iphone X when the "promise" was simply for an iphone, any iphone.
He promised to get her the latest model.
I can hardly wait until Dani decides she needs a car ("all my friends have their own car") and of course an old beater won't do.
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My 50-year-old self WAS too busy to ride much (not to mention older and fatter), and also appreciated just how expensive horses truly are to keep. Such is life!
