Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But he is actively demeaning his son. What our parents think of us is important, and that doesn't change as time goes on. We all want our folks to be proud of us.
And that's the problem right there. Too many people care and worry about what their parents think. Not living life for themselves.
I live for me, not my parents. If they didn't like it, I don't really care, lol.
How does your dad talk to your brother? Is your brother older or younger than you? How old are you? Do you have sisters? If so how does your dad treat your sisters? How does your dad treat your mother, is he respectful or disrespectful towards her? Has he ever raised a hand to your mother.
Have you and/or your brother brought home any girlfriends? Does your dad encourage you to go out on dates with girls? How does your dad talk to your friends that he has met, either boys or girls? Are you reluctant to bring your friends to your home?
Everything you have said so far about your dad leads me to think he is a homophobe and is afraid or suspects that you are gay or will become gay and he is trying to discourage that by talking in a misogynistic way (whether or not he actually is a misogynist). If he is homophobic and if you are gay he will see both himself and you as failures. He sounds like the type of person that it will be a crushing blow to him and he might disown you or worse. If you are gay I would strongly suggest you wait until you are no longer living at home and are not dependent on your father for anything before you open up about your orientation.
.
My brother is older than me. I'm 20 and he's 28. My father doesn't talk to my brother the way he talks to me. My brother and father's personalities are similar. They have more in common. My brother is much closer to my father than I am, so it's like my father favors my brother over me. I am much closer to my mother. I do have two older sisters. My oldest sister is not my father's child. They don't have a relationship with each other. They barely speak. My other sister, for the most part he is respectful towards her. Although sometimes, he complains about her annoying habits. He has never raised a hand to my mother. He is respectful towards her. However, when my brother and I go out on car rides with him, he complains to my brother and I about our mother's qualities and habits that annoy him a lot.
My older brother isn't dating. He hasn't brought a girl home in nine years. I haven't brought any girls home. I never dated. I'll get to that in a minute. Both of my parents do ask my brother and I, "When are you guys going to bring a girl home? When are you guys going to start dating?" I just say when the time is right. My brother pretty much says the same thing. I don't think my brother is gay. He doesn't give off a gay vibe or has any feminine behaviors. I'm not sure why he doesn't date.
I have never invited any friends over my house, I only hang out with them outside of my house. My father and brother are mainly the reasons why. My brother doesn't share the same misogynistic views as my father, but they both do share some racist views. A lot of times they make racial jokes or comments about many groups including: Whites, Asians, Hispanics, Arabs, etc. We're African-American by the way. I don't share the same racist views as them. I find them to be very ignorant. Often times they're not even true. I judge people by their character not their race. I have friends that come from many different backgrounds. This is a big part on why I don't invite them over. Also when my father and I were having a conversation one day about race and dating, he didn't like when I said I don't have a preference I wouldn't mind dating someone outside of my race. He prefers for me to stick to my race. If someone has a good personality and is attractive, I will date them regardless of their race.
And yes my dad is a big homophobe. So is my brother. And yes I am gay! I'm still in the closet. And yes my father, brother, and many other men in my family are the reasons why. My father has made comments to me saying, "If you ever came out as gay, you won't be put in prison because it's not a crime, but I WILL PUT YOU IN PRISON!!!" My dad and my brother don't hesistate to use the word fa**ot. And my father says "I will never accept having a gay son." Me being gay and having to hear this is really hard. I just keep my mouth shut whenever they have these conversations. I will definitely not be coming out anytime soon, that will probably be a long time from now where I am living on my own. I feel like the only people who would accept me are my mother and sisters.
My dad probably does suspect that I'm gay, but just doesn't want to believe it. That could partly explain his behavior. He has asked me in the past, and I denied it. He will then say, "You better not be." If I came out, it would not be pretty. I know it would make him and my brother very angry and upset. When I was younger, about 3 or 4, I used to play with my sister's barbie dolls. Whenever my father would catch me playing with them, he would take them from me and hide them. I would start crying. Crying to the point where I would start screaming. I used to cry a lot when I was a little boy. He didn't like that either.
Even today. I do have my feminie ways, but I'm not overly feminine. Like if you were to look at me and see my personality, you wouldn't automatically think I'm gay. I'm not into sports, I'm not really into manly things, etc. My father probably doesn't like that, which could explain his behavior towards me. My brother is into sports, manly things, and has a similar job like my dad.
I'm sorry for the long answer, I just like to be very detailed. I hope this answers your questions.
People like this are often reacting out of unacknowledged fears. He may be afraid of you not being masculine-seeming enough, something which men, especially working-class men, are typically punished for by their peers, and he doesn't want that to happen to you.
As you can tell from my post, my mom is very supportive of me and my decisions. I'm very grateful for that. She stuck up for me when my dad put me down because I said I want to be a nurse. However, he didn't want to hear it. I believe he didn't want to hear it because deep down inside he knows we're right, but is just too stubborn to admit it. However, oftentimes when my father makes comments like this, my mother isn't around.
As your dad "doesn't want to hear it" don't tell him more than you must. If he criticizes your choices, remind him that they are YOUR choices to make, not his. Remind him that you were raised to make your own way, to stand up for yourself (as this seems to be important to him) and are doing just that. It is not your purpose in life to please him, but to please yourself. He may (or may not) respect that you stand up to him and its pretty hard to argue these points.
BTW, I think I would stop responding to his comments about "being a woman's job" by saying that lots of men also do it. Avoid the whole gender thing. It isn't relevant is it? Focus on the reasons YOU want the job....to learn the profession, that its important to you to help others, that the profession is lucrative and respected, that you can take it almost anywhere you want to live, etc. Again, hard to argue with that.
This would only be typical of men who are incredibly insecure about their own sexuality.
Clearly, your father is not sharp enough to understand that he is revealing a lot regarding his psyche, but at least now you are aware of his deep-seated insecurities--especially when it comes to his sexuality. I suggest that you not tell him about your new understanding of his insecurities, as men like this have a tendency to become violent when they are confronted with reality.
He is deserving of your pity, but not necessarily your respect.
Some people are just like that; I'm sorry your dad is one of them. Don't let it get to you. It seems like a big deal now but when you are older and out of the house and living your own life it will be easier to take it with a grain of salt. Ignore him as much as you can and avoid situations where he will have anything to comment about. Your mom is supportive, so that's a good thing. Do what YOU want to do; it doesn't matter what he thinks about your choices.
Regardless of his opinions about gender roles, your father is a jerk (as you describe him in those scenarios).
There are jobs I don't think are too risky or too poorly paid, but if my kids want to do those jobs I don't tell them "that's dumb work".
And no, you and your mom aren't crazy. Men do very well in nursing and especially as the population ages male nurses will be in very high demand.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
