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First of all, excuse me for any errors in english language because I'm french. As the title says, my uncle lacked respect about my attachment for my deceased father and it really hurt me. My father really was my hero and I love him with all my heart so it was devastative when he passed away 6 years ago because of cancer.
Fast forward to a few months ago. One of my uncles (with whom I'm not close and we barely know each other) came to my mother's house with his wife. I was here so we spoke for a few hours. When they were kids, my uncle was "friend" with my father. I put "friends" in quotes because they respectively had other friends, they only hung out occasionally and since I was born, I never saw them hang out together. My father almost never went to his home and he almost never came to our home. Maybe one or two times in 20 years. They also both lived in poverty when they were kids, and my father even more.
So we were tchatting and he began to talk about how poor my father was. But it wasn't with compassion, it was almost disdain. At one point her wife even smirked when he was telling details about how poor my father was. Naturally, I felt a bit upset about this and when my mother joined the conversation I asked to change the subject and my uncle replied curtly "Yes, he lived in misery, that's the truth!"...I was flabbergasted.
First of all, it's not about truth or not, I know that my father was poor when he was a kid, it's about respecting people's feelings and respecting when the son of a deceased father asks to change the subject because it saddens him. And my uncle lived in poverty too as a kid, it's not as if he grew up in Beverly Hills. Shortly after that, I left the house without saying goodbye to them. Apparently it's not the first time he tries to belittle some people. His brother for instance (who is way nicer and respectful than him) told me that he went to his house once and he swore never to return because he told me that he belittled him all night. He told me that despite the fact hat he is his brother, he prefer to stay away from him because he's too arrogant and condescending. Anyway, I'm really hurt about his behavior because like I said, my father really was my hero and he was a gentle, kind person who never talked bad about anyone.
What do you guys think? Do you also think that it was cruel and disrespectful?
Thanks you for your opinions because his arrogant behavior really hurt me.
Yes, I think your uncle's behavior was cruel and disrespectful, and I think you don't have to interact with him any more. If he comes over to your house again, excuse yourself and go somewhere else.
As one of my family members said to another family member that no one likes, "Just because we're related is no reason we have to see each other."
There are people who never learned to control what comes out of their mouth. They lack empathy and probably always will. They feel that their opinion must be stated and that their interpretation of reality is the only correct one. My sister married into a family with two brothers I found really distasteful. Every time there was an event that I was expected to attend, one or the other would goad me into arguments about my chosen profession, which happened to be fairly political. They would insult the work I did, laugh in my face, make all sorts of bizarre accusations about how useless it was. It was very difficult to control my responses so I would avoid conversations with them. If I couldn't get them to back off I would excuse myself and leave. Often it happened while at the family's home, so I refused invitations. When the hostess asked me why, I was honest. If this embarrassed her, fine. A guest to someone's home shouldn't accept being insulted there and I know I was NOT the one behaving badly.
Have you considered writing this uncle a letter? You wouldn't have to confront him during a visit (when you are emotional or upset), but you could make him fully aware how insulting his remarks were. You are entitled to respect your father and his memory. What this uncle does with your letter is his business. You may never meet him again, but know that you behaved in a more adult manner.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-13-2018 at 03:10 PM..
My condolences for the loss of your father. Your uncle is the one being rude and obnoxious. He is the type who in order to feel better about themselves they have to put someone down. Ignore him and either leave the house when he comes over or at least leave the room.
You know what kind of man your father was and that is something your uncle can't take away from you.
Yes, very cruel and disrespectful and they needed to be told that, or at least told that your father was a wonderful man and you don't care to hear him being dissed. So sorry for your loss of such a dear man.
I had a similar situation with a relative who was saying the nastiest things about my uncle who was a very kind and loving man, and I wasn't haven't it. Nope.
Your uncle was tactless and rude. Why would a civilized person go to a widow's house and say negative things about her husband? He wasn't telling anyone anything new or even interesting. If you loved your father wholeheartedly, whether or not he was unlucky to have been born in poverty, we know his memory deserves respectful treatment because of your love for him.
I am not sure what you can do about your uncle, except to ask yourself what your father would want you to do. If he is the kind of man I suspect he was, he would probably not want you to waste a lot of anger on this man. He is not worth it. If you don't have to visit with him in future, then simply don't do so.
It really doesn't matter if we think it was cruel or disrespectful. He's an adult, he may have known your father more realistically than you did, and he's entitled to his opinion.
Of course, you would be welcome to say either:
"I'm sorry, but I find this all very hurtful and insensitive, and really don't appreciate your attitude."
OR
"I'm sorry to see that you seem to put so much emphasis on money. My father was my hero, maybe because I think there are more important things in life than money."
Just have nothing to do with him from now own and be glad that your dad was a kind, gentle person and not like his brother. You don't ever need to talk to him again if you don't want to.
I sort of did the same thing with one relative who, when my brother died, was at his house with me and other family members going through things. And she said to me something to the effect that she really had no use for my brother and she was only there because she was bringing her mother there. Well, she sure was helping herself to things in his house that she wanted - like guns and hunting apparel.
There's more to the story than that, but generally some relatives just showed what horrible people they are because they cared nothing about my brother's wishes at all. I unfriended them on Facebook and cut off communication with them. I wasn't super close to my brother and really NONE of us were. But right and is right and I wanted to honor his wishes. They didn't care about his wishes.
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