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Do you have any strong willed siblings who think their way is the only way?
Two of my siblings are in constant competition. I try to stay out of it and am successful for the most part. But every so often I stumble across something that triggers a boundary problem.
For example, we recently got a rescue dog. We have never had a dog before. My family feels very strongly about dogs and two of my siblings are always competing over who knows more about them. Both have purebred dogs, which are expensive and something of a status symbol as we all grew up in difficult economic circumstances. I have always felt as though it was going to be a problem if I ever got a dog because its a powder keg topic. But I realized this was silly and we adopted from a shelter.
Our new dog has some understandable behavioral quirks as he was a neglect/abuse case. I made the mistake of telling one sibling about this. This sibling freaked, said angrily "the only way to have a dog is to get a purebred puppy! I told you that! Now you see I am right!" and is advising we put the dog down. The dog is not aggressive and has not attacked anyone. He showed some guarding behavior over a bone which was quickly taken care of. But this sibling is refusing to come and visit if the dog is there. Sibling has never met said dog nor has said dog done anything to endanger sibling. Dog is not a breed considered dangerous. Its not a large dog at 35 pounds.
I know this issue is not about the animal, but more about the idea that there is one way to live life. If you don't agree with the prescription you need to be punished and get a heaping helping of "told you so". When I politely responded that we never considered a puppy because we don't have the lifestyle to house train, I got a stony response. I am an adult who will live with the consequences of my decision making. We are now at an impasse because sibling is "fearful" and insisting that I come to their house because mine is "dangerous."
I have a wedding coming up. I just want everyone to get along for a few hours. The poor dog will be in doggy daycare as part of the wedding is at home and he is still settling in and might get stressed. I realize that it is an individual choice as to whether people attend or not. I am just tired of being pressured to do one thing or another that doesn't make sense. I guess I am just venting. There are definitely some boundary issues happening and I am trying not to let it bother me.
Sounds like you are better off with the dog than with your problem sibling.
You probably already know that simply refusing to engage your sibling in conversation about the dog is probably the best course of action. Your sibling is determined to "win," so no amount of reasoned discussion on your part will make any difference. Simply refuse to discuss it.
And bless you for choosing to adopt a shelter dog and for not giving up on it. I'm sure your fur baby will blossom into a wonderful, loving companion under your care.
I know this issue is not about the animal, but more about the idea that there is one way to live life. If you don't agree with the prescription you need to be punished and get a heaping helping of "told you so".
...We don't have the lifestyle to house train...
I am an adult who will live with the consequences of my decision making.
The dog will be in doggy daycare as part of the wedding...
I have a sister like that & have learned not to tell her anything about my life except websites I have found helpful or the weather, always safe topics. I've also learned to say, ',that's interesting ', with no further comment.
What I would like to say is, when you pay my bills is when you can tell me what to do. Wisely, I keep my mouth shut.
I have found that the shelter animals I have adopted are thankful to have a home & have been sweet animals. If your sister insists she will not come to your home I would say to her, that's your choice. But, then again, that's me.
OMG, how old are your siblings? They sound like children! Keep all contact and conversations to a minimum--ideally, twice/year, max.
Have the wedding invitations gone out already? You can choose to not invite anyone, who expresses discomfort at the idea of being in your home. There's nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like you've solved the problem, anyway, by putting the dog in daycare.
If the wedding arrangements and invitations are set in stone, just get through the experience, then keep your distance from your siblings until some obligatory family occasion comes up, like Thanksgiving or Xmas.
I suspect all it would do is provide an even more challenging opportunity for the sibling. The more someone defies them the more energized they get. It has very little to do with what is actually said/theorized/proposed/believed....they feed on the opposition. Ask me why I know....well, on second thought, I woke up in a great mood today. I don't want to ruin it with sad memory. It's taken me decades to neutralize one of these people. Suffice it to say that someone like this hurts everyone around them but chances are they'll never feel a bit of guilt about it.
OP in your heart of hearts you know you did an honorable and kindly thing about the rescue dog. What you have to keep doing is remind yourself of that every time your sister starts to open her yap about it. Who knows, it's possible she feels a twinge of envy about your demonstrated selflessness. Don't hold your breath waiting for her to admit it.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-09-2018 at 01:46 PM..
OMG, how old are your siblings? They sound like children! Keep all contact and conversations to a minimum--ideally, twice/year, max.
Have the wedding invitations gone out already? You can choose to not invite anyone, who expresses discomfort at the idea of being in your home. There's nothing wrong with that. But it sounds like you've solved the problem, anyway, by putting the dog in daycare.
If the wedding arrangements and invitations are set in stone, just get through the experience, then keep your distance from your siblings until some obligatory family occasion comes up, like Thanksgiving or Xmas.
They are in their 30s and 40s. So old enough to know better. Yes, the invites have been sent. For many years I did have an arm's length policy, but have been trying to be closer to one of them who is generally more reasonable. Unfortunately this is the one who reacted to the dog in the subject post. Many of these protests are given under the heading of "that's too risky" or "I just want to make sure you are safe" as though I cannot account for my own decisions and am constantly about to walk off a cliff. In the past several years, every major decision I have made has been countered with "I don't think that is a good idea. Its too risky" by this sibling. And if it works out, the subject is dropped. But if it doesn't, I get reminders of it the next time I am about to make a decision and the sibling hears about it (typically not from me). Its smothering. We aren't children.
I have a sister like that & have learned not to tell her anything about my life except websites I have found helpful or the weather, always safe topics. I've also learned to say, ',that's interesting ', with no further comment.
What I would like to say is, when you pay my bills is when you can tell me what to do. Wisely, I keep my mouth shut.
I have found that the shelter animals I have adopted are thankful to have a home & have been sweet animals. If your sister insists she will not come to your home I would say to her, that's your choice. But, then again, that's me.
This is where I am at. I have (maybe foolishly) opened the door to a closer relationship but am finding that sharing leads to judgment and I am only ever found wanting. Our mother actively set up this pattern. I had exactly two topics we could discuss-- the weather and her cats-- unless I wanted all hell to break loose. I hate that this is what I have to do with my siblings too. When she died I felt like we were freed from that. But the pattern is obviously deeply ingrained.
This is where I am at. I have (maybe foolishly) opened the door to a closer relationship but am finding that sharing leads to judgment and I am only ever found wanting. Our mother actively set up this pattern. I had exactly two topics we could discuss-- the weather and her cats-- unless I wanted all hell to break loose. I hate that this is what I have to do with my siblings too. When she died I felt like we were freed from that. But the pattern is obviously deeply ingrained.
It is so sad to hear about families who spend so much of their lives treading on thin ice because of a controller. I am somewhat thankful that "ours" has managed to isolate herself. Not sure she realizes it and frankly, don't care. Ironically, having to deal with this personality has made the bonds with other relatives that much stronger....sort of united in our resistance
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