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I was wondering if anyone here may have experienced a similar issue, or can offer me advice concerning my mother. When I was younger, my mother and I were very close, but as I got older, I felt this started to change (We also don't live close to one another, so distance also plays a factor as I moved for college).
One thing my mom has never been able to do is apologize, and she never seems to think she is in the wrong, and this has become so much of an issue lately, I am really starting to resent her.
Here are some examples, so you can get a better idea of what I am talking about.
1. I got a puppy recently (I am 28 years old, and live alone in an apartment that I pay for). When I mentioned I was getting a puppy I had 20 questions. What are you going to do with it as you're at work all day, what about vet bills or if you go on vacation.....all questions that to be honest I don't really think have anything to do with her, and aren't her concern, nor business. She does not live with me and I am not a child. When I told her I got him she sent me an eye roll emoji, but then started asking questions about him and likes the pictures I put of him on Facebook. I find this kind of two faced, because she looks great to everyone else, but no one knows what I have dealt with behind the scenes (she commented on one picture "can't wait to see him when I visit)."
2. Whenever I am going on a date she asks a ton of questions. Who is he, what does he do, is he divorced, does he have kids, because these are all things I guess she has feelings on....like viewing kids as baggage. Again, not her business.
3. One time I bought a dress for new years which has a slight gap above the tummy area (it was the design of the dress), and she asked to see a picture of it. When I sent it she said it was nice, but would it show through belly flab (not kidding). I do not work out, but I am by no means fat, and when I called her out on it saying it was extremely rude and instigated I was fat, she said I had taken it the wrong way and she wasn't calling me fat.
She also has this way of twisting things when I call her out, and it always ends in her saying I am always picking a fight (because I call her out), and then she will say she isn't talking to me anymore and won't read my messages on Facebook, nor contact me again until I reach out to her.
She also never calls me and I get tired of being the one to always call her. If I don't call and a week or so goes by, she will message me asking if something is wrong as she hasn't heard from me. Also she will never apologize. In my whole life she has never apologized for anything, and will never say she is sorry if she said something that was hurtful or upsetting to me. She will just not talk, and I feel she twists things and somehow tries to make it seem that I am the one picking fights, when I merely call her out when she is in my opinion, sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.
I know this might sound petty to some of you, but this is starting to become a big problem. I am tired of letting things go and her not owning things she does that are wrong, and avoiding it until I speak to her again. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know why she is this way with me.
Are you really letting things go? You seem to be holding onto it and nursing resentment. If she was never one to say sorry, why do you have that expectation? If you didn't have that expectation, things would be somewhat easier (as in less disappointing).
Obviously, she's the type to ask a lot of questions. I suppose if you're not ready to aswer some of the questions, maybe withhold on updating and giving her that opportunity to ask. I personally never really tell my mom anything because in addition to the deluge of rather inappropriate questions, she also makes comments that is very pointed and hurtful (kinda like example #3, but worse). My mom is a walking double edged sword, so I just hold back on giving her that kind of access.
With the first example, did you ask why she gave an eye rolling emoticon? Could it be she pressed the wrong one?
Anytime I mentioned a male (friend, neighbor, astronaut), my mother would immediately ask, "Is he married?" This annoyed the heck out of me, and finally one time I mentioned some guy and promptly added, "No, he's not married". Mom's unhesitating response: "Is he black?"
Mom never changed. In fact, as dementia crept in, she got more and more hateful until there was nothing left except nastiness. Nothing I could do made a difference. All I could do was distance myself emotionally.
It's possible that there's no way you'll ever get your mom to behave better and all you can do is to stop caring as much. Sorry.
I also feel your pain. I had to create boundaries with mother when I realized she never said anything supportive of me, and talking to her about things made me feel worse not better. I stopped calling as much, stopped telling her things. We still talk, but I don't call and tell her about every little thing anymore.
Are you really letting things go? You seem to be holding onto it and nursing resentment. If she was never one to say sorry, why do you have that expectation? If you didn't have that expectation, things would be somewhat easier (as in less disappointing).
Obviously, she's the type to ask a lot of questions. I suppose if you're not ready to aswer some of the questions, maybe withhold on updating and giving her that opportunity to ask. I personally never really tell my mom anything because in addition to the deluge of rather inappropriate questions, she also makes comments that is very pointed and hurtful (kinda like example #3, but worse). My mom is a walking double edged sword, so I just hold back on giving her that kind of access.
With the first example, did you ask why she gave an eye rolling emoticon? Could it be she pressed the wrong one?
Unfortunately no. I called her out and asked what her deal was, and she just doesn't agree with it because I work all day. If my mom doesn't agree, I'll know. What I don't get though, is she makes a big deal of it to me over message, but then where everyone else on my list can see (like comments on Facebook and pictures), she says she can't wait to see him and likes pictures. I don't get her. I know she isn't happy with my dad.
Unfortunately no. I called her out and asked what her deal was, and she just doesn't agree with it because I work all day. If my mom doesn't agree, I'll know. What I don't get though, is she makes a big deal of it to me over message, but then where everyone else on my list can see (like comments on Facebook and pictures), she says she can't wait to see him and likes pictures. I don't get her. I know she isn't happy with my dad.
She's being polite and supportive and respectful in public, and only airing concerns and criticisms in private. She should win some points for this one. Believe me, if she criticized in public, you'd have a problem with it.
It is difficult when someone tries to twist something around to be your fault though, and won't talk to you after that until you reach out. I think I am just going to stop responding if she is rude. Also, she must know it is wrong, because she changes the behavior to others. If it was just her, she would be the same in every situation.
I'm an old fart and I'll put it plain and simple it was put to me many years ago.
If your mother were to die today ,Lord forbid, would you wish to have her back,
for anything in the world, faults and all ?
Think about it..... Inhale .Hold your breath...count to 10....let it out slowly.....Let Go and Let God.....
There's your answer.
Note:
One mother can take care of many children but many children can not take car of one mother.
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