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I know ... there is NOT a clear question, which is why I underlined the third paragraph. I've been feeling like a bloody creep for not wanting to continue to call a friend every day who is now well on the way to recovery.
Even writing out that post helped - I started to leave it as a draft but decided that to actually send it might be a plus.
It's now less in my head and more on paper.
That's to the good.
hmm.... Well, good for you for at least asserting yourself in telling him you don't enjoy phone calls. How about following up with that, and introducing the idea that, you, being an introvert, need a lot of down time, and "me" time. This means that it would be very helpful to your peace of mind to cut back on the frequency of phone calls, although you do want to stay in touch, and you do enjoy the conversations, but you find the frequency to be overwhelming. That's just the way you are, you can't help it, you could add, apologetically. "We're opposite people in that regard", you could say (hinting at potential compatibility issues).
None of that sounds mean, negative, or judgmental. You're allowed to see to your needs, and let people know what they are, and what works for you, and what doesn't. Nothing wrong with that.
OP -- you haven't done anything wrong, and if you don't want to talk on the phone tell him so. I agree with the poster who said there are plenty of other single ladies for him to pursue.
Now, the thing I would advise is to let go of this notion about trying to be a "good person" because it is wrong anyway. You're not being a good person by enduring phone calls that you don't want to be on -- because it means you are not being honest with him. And you're complaining about him behind his back, which robs him of dignity (that's not a criticism, you are human and discussing and venting with others about another person is normal and can help bring perspective.)
He deserves your honesty and authenticity. Otherwise you are not treating him with the respect he deserves. So take that chain of "good person" standards off your neck because that's an impossible pursuit.
Someday you will understand as long as you remain "friends" with him, he will assume you are interested. As long as you respond to him, he will always have hope.
There is an expression I haven't heard in a while, but I'm wondering if it applies to you. Drama queen? Do you need this "movie" to continue to satisfy some need you have in yourself?
I don't think that's it. I think, sometimes, it's a matter of not being able to see the forest for the trees. When one is in the middle of a situation, it can be hard to get perspective.
She's conflicted, because he IS a friend, and a good man, but things have taken twists and turns, and she had come to resent her having to 'check in' with him daily. I think she was looking for clarification, whether she was being a bad person, or not. (Hope I'm not putting words in your mouth Everylady.)
OP -- you haven't done anything wrong, and if you don't want to talk on the phone tell him so. I agree with the poster who said there are plenty of other single ladies for him to pursue.
Now, the thing I would advise is to let go of this notion about trying to be a "good person" because it is wrong anyway. You're not being a good person by enduring phone calls that you don't want to be on -- because it means you are not being honest with him. And you're complaining about him behind his back, which robs him of dignity (that's not a criticism, you are human and discussing and venting with others about another person is normal and can help bring perspective.)
He deserves your honesty and authenticity. Otherwise you are not treating him with the respect he deserves. So take that chain of "good person" standards off your neck because that's an impossible pursuit.
Thank you. This internet-based dialogue did not turn out to be an easy process. The original post was badly written (intended at first for my own use but then pressed for time I did not rewrite before sending) ... the tendency to "explain" led to sharing more than desirable ... my goal was and remains wrenching myself out of self-doubt and the resulting tension to immediately turn focus to other matters.
All that said ... doggone it but this turned out to be helpful. I'm both amazed and humbled by the insight of many and even those whose perspective or take was not mine helped clarify as in "no it is not THIS but it is THAT."
To briefly recap, the other night as soon as I thought possible (once he was in no danger of permanent disability) I'd made the initial phone call to introduce the this-is-not-working. That would have been far better done in person for I'm inept on the phone but due to the distance between our homes with his now temporary inability to meet halfway that was not possible before DD and I left.
I *had* been second guessing myself ... rehashing talk details. But the act of writing as does perhaps talking to another (be it a counselor) *does* have a benefit. The venting is a letting go ... the restating of the positive reinforces the value of a person and a relationship.
Last night I called again to find someone who through all my bumbling on that first call seems to have "heard" some of the frustration and all he wanted to do was to listen - and interact. This is a wonderful person; I'm humbled. Sometimes out of the dregs of a problem comes something really good.
We do need to talk more once I'm back this time in person to make sure there's clarity about some issues. One does not lose friends of many years who have shared as much as we have ... that would be a loss for both ... plus we are part of a larger friendship circle and share some events with others.
I'm still conflicted, though, about the "good" person aspect of the issue - more in a purely philosophical sense at this point for the immediate issue is resolved (as least for now). As I mentioned in one post, I'm not religious but approaching the later stages of my life intend to again study religion both for the process (the reading, meditative aspects, perhaps practice) and for possible "truths" that might resonate.
We place much emphasis on self-statement and maintenance of boundaries in our current society. These concepts are valid ones and do carry value as we work to establish healthy relationships with others. But there is a danger perhaps to applying them in some situations too blindly.
There's a reason that I first put this thread in the retirement section for the essence really was less about a "relationship" and more about how and when we work to "serve" others - or at least to temporarily place their needs first. Parents do it every day ... we train our military to make ultimate sacrifices ... these issues become more relevant as we age and face various difficulties.
A "mere" relationship or friendship that does not involve marriage or vows may not carry an innate commitment. Still, there can be events (an illness in this case) that invokes the need to put the other first - and if that connection is not an a healthy stage or if there are underlying resentments as is so often the case these then come to forefront creating tension over time. The person experiencing the life event (the illness) are themselves under stress and may be demanding and less considerate.
I sometimes read the Caregiving Forum for guidance here and help in future planning.
How to respond is not always easy and it is here, perhaps, that religion with the emphasis on "doing good" provides the strength for many to carry through. (A side issue for me is that unresolved these issues create enough stress that I literally become ill - which perhaps is an issue for the Psychology Forum! but that will certainly be for another day.)
Last edited by EveryLady; 05-11-2018 at 08:16 AM..
I don't think that's it. I think, sometimes, it's a matter of not being able to see the forest for the trees. When one is in the middle of a situation, it can be hard to get perspective.
She's conflicted, because he IS a friend, and a good man, but things have taken twists and turns, and she had come to resent her having to 'check in' with him daily. I think she was looking for clarification, whether she was being a bad person, or not. (Hope I'm not putting words in your mouth Everylady.)
You're right on Sassybluesy - and I very much appreciate the time you've taken to write. At this point ... I'm going to Go Pack ... and be focused, healthy, and well-rested to get on that plane with excitement of what lies ahead and not of sadness or regret or worry about friends at home.
But NYGal really helped, too - for if only by stating what would be a sadness for everyone involved - ending a relationship of 40 years (although we were not in much contact for a portion of it) - it reinforced the need for clarity to ensure that didn't happen.
I tend to react to stress by getting sick (a stress ulcer literally ended one trip) and with DD still dependent on me my first responsibility is to stay as healthy as possible for her. So, yes, hearing "worst-case" scenarios from some posters was helpful.
Off to work ..
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