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For the past several years, I have been having issues making and maintaining friends. I am female, mid-thirties, without children at this time and college-educated. I do have friends back home where I grew up, but I now live in another state. I am going to be married in a few short months, so I recognize that will be a major life change. If you have read my other post, a good friend of ten years unexpectedly ended our friendship for reasons I was unaware of previously. Some of her reasons had to do with looks, clothing and photos on Facebook.
A common theme I keep running encountering is the competitive nature of women. It always turns into me vs. them without my knowledge. I have had women confess that they wish they had x, y and z like I do. It is disconcerting. I really want to make friends with women that are happy with where they are in life and just want a good friend. I am a great listener and people can vent without judgement with me. I just let people be who they are, but I am rarely afforded the same treatment. I am not perfect by any means, but I am a good friend and I am very aware of this. I go out of my way for people and I make myself available. I think there are people in this world that would appreciate who I am and what I offer. I have modified some behaviors that may alienate me from other females (sharing too much personal information, posting too many photos on Facebook, or come across as a braggart) but I've realized I cannot live my life walking on eggshells and being paranoid. I do need to have friends.
I am looking for tips on perhaps where I can go to meet people that like themselves, for friendship? I am particularly interested in meeting women for friendship. I have plenty of male friends.
This is what I have tried so far:
-Meetup groups (I have met a handful of nice people that have since relocated. Many of the women I met were insecure and admitted they compared themselves to me. Another issue is, I am older than the people I have met by 7-10 years so we had less in common.)
-Pubs (didn't work out at all, too noisy)
-Geeks Who Drink (People show up in their cliques and do not want to get to know anyone else)
-College (people I have met in college have relocated, have families, or we have nothing in common anymore)
-Work ( I in general avoid befriending coworkers to avoid gossip)
-Video game/comic/board game groups (the few women I have met did not like me there because they feared I would get all the male attention. So, they avoided me even though I tried to get to know the ladies there. I play video games, board games and I watch anime)
-Anime clubs (same issue as video game groups.)
-Book clubs ( I have met much older people that I do not have much in common with, but they were nice)
-Taiko Class (met some really nice people there and want to return)
I am willing to try anything at this point. I plan to start going to Crossfit and return to Taiko class (Japanese drumming) soon. I may reconsider a book club because I love to read.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 05-22-2018 at 05:32 AM..
Reason: discussing moderation
I started going to our local college alumni functions about a year ago and have met some great people. Everyone in the group seems eager to see new faces.
-Meetup groups (I have met a handful of nice people that have since relocated. Many of the women I met were insecure and admitted they compared themselves to me. Another issue is, I am older than the people I have met by 7-10 years so we had less in common.)
-Video game/comic/board game groups (the few women I have met did not like me there because they feared I would get all the male attention. So, they avoided me even though I tried to get to know the ladies there. I play video games, board games and I watch anime)
.
These two stick out for me. The women in these groups admitted these feelings to you? I have never encountered this before. I do believe there are many insecure women but can't imagine them being so explicit about it especially about men who are not romantically linked to them. I would think this behavior would scare off the guys. If it doesn't, time to move on to another group and be glad you didn't form any kind of relationship with those people.
I feel for you Jabber...I'm not in such a nifty position to meet new women friends either. Me - lots of education and life experience. Now? Full time care giver afraid my mind is going to Jello. Talk? Chat? Let me know. I'm not intimidated by successful women, rather seek to learn from them, so ... let me know.
These two stick out for me. The women in these groups admitted these feelings to you? I have never encountered this before. I do believe there are many insecure women but can't imagine them being so explicit about it especially about men who are not romantically linked to them. I would think this behavior would scare off the guys. If it doesn't, time to move on to another group and be glad you didn't form any kind of relationship with those people.
Once other women get to know me, they feel comfortable sharing their true feelings. Yes, women have told me personally they were comparing themselves to me. And some of the few ladies in the video games/anime/board game groups were indeed uncomfortable that I was there. Nope, the guys were not scared away because they were unaware of this.
The women in these groups admitted these feelings to you? I have never encountered this before. I do believe there are many insecure women but can't imagine them being so explicit about it especially about men who are not romantically linked to them.
What, you don't have people you don't even know come up to you and confess how intimidated and insecure your beauty makes them? Doesn't that happen to everybody?
The common theme with the OP is that women can't be her friends because they're always comparing themselves to her. The insight she has into other peoples' minds is really quite...something.
....
A common theme I keep running encountering is the competitive nature of women. It always turns into me vs. them without my knowledge. I have had women confess that they wish they had x, y and z like I do. It is disconcerting. I really want to make friends with women that are happy with where they are in life and just want a good friend. I am a great listener and people can vent without judgement with me. I just let people be who they are, but I am rarely afforded the same treatment. I am not perfect by any means, but I am a good friend and I am very aware of this. I go out of my way for people and I make myself available. I think there are people in this world that would appreciate who I am and what I offer. I have modified some behaviors that may alienate me from other females (sharing too much personal information, posting too many photos on Facebook, or come across as a braggart) but I've realized I cannot live my life walking on eggshells and being paranoid. I do need to have friends. <snipped>
Anyone who comes right out of the gate venting their problems or expecting you to go out of your way is going to be problematic. Complaining seems be to inversely proportionate to problem solving. A problem-solving woman isn't going to be threatened by you. As for bending over backwards to help someone--that should be reserved for close friends who do the same for you. Relationships need to be balanced.
IIRC, you have a PhD, you have hobbies, you have your life together--you have more to offer than a shoulder to cry on. It might not be intentional, but it sounds like that's what you've been offering, and the takers have, of course, been sad, insecure, complaining women. You tend to overexplain things (not a criticism, only an observation). I think that comes from walking on eggshells around people as you mentioned. Stable, secure people don't require long explanations (read: defenses). People with problems they do nothing about, OTOH, don't want to do what it takes to solve their problems, may not want to solve them at all, and will resent you for trying to help. Just don't. Make friends with some do-ers.
Where to find friends? A volunteer or civic association where you regularly get together might be good. If you like costumes, living history might be worth looking into. I don't have direct experience with it, but it seems like there's gravitas and a greater purpose, which is lacking in cosplay. You might try different meetups. I host a coffee and conversation meetup where I don't tolerate nonsense, and we have a nice little group.
Finally, you need to quit attracting and putting up with people like your former friend. In myths, the hero eventually loses his or her mentor. In other words, you can't mentor someone to where they need to go. Think of yourself and your future friends as the heroes of your own stories.
Once other women get to know me, they feel comfortable sharing their true feelings. Yes, women have told me personally they were comparing themselves to me. And some of the few ladies in the video games/anime/board game groups were indeed uncomfortable that I was there. Nope, the guys were not scared away because they were unaware of this.
Oh. I see. Well, I will admit that I am a watcher and I keep people at a distance until I know how to interact with them and their romantic interest. I have no intention of hearing about anybody's insecurities about me so I don't consider that kind of talk friendship bonding.
What, you don't have people you don't even know come up to you and confess how intimidated and insecure your beauty makes them? Doesn't that happen to everybody?
The common theme with the OP is that women can't be her friends because they're always comparing themselves to her. The insight she has into other peoples' minds is really quite...something.
I thought there might be a theme. It is one thing I look for in thread starters.
What, you don't have people you don't even know come up to you and confess how intimidated and insecure your beauty makes them? Doesn't that happen to everybody?
The common theme with the OP is that women can't be her friends because they're always comparing themselves to her. The insight she has into other peoples' minds is really quite...something.
I would have never known unless people have flat out told me. I am a magnet for people pouring their hearts out. And they confess things I did not want to know.
I did not choose this, it just happens and it sucks.
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