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I've posted something like this before, but this is a bit of a different situation. So I visited family this summer and it was not the most pleasant visit. My parents are divorced so of course I split up my time between the two houses.
When I visited my dad, he spent one whole day while I was there putting up the fence in his backyard. His lazy wife and lazy stepson did nothing to help and I ended up helping. The next day I visited he spent the whole time messing with his camper. I drove nine hours to visit and got very little visiting as he was messing around doing household chores and other things that in my opinion were not urgent tasks.
At my mom's house she would just randomly get up and start puttering around the house. Doing a little bit more minor household chores, but making me just sort of sit there while she was doing it. With her you can't offer to help as she is beyond anal retentive about how things are done because things have to look a certain way. So you just end up sitting there and she can't hear squat from the next room.
This has become a more regular occurrence the last few years from both parents.
Am I unreasonable to find this behavior a bit off putting and rude? I don't expect constant interaction but if you want someone to visit can't certain chores wait? Its not like they're running farms and have that much urgent work to do.
I would say they probably think of you as family (you are) and not company. You should visit my sister and her husband, they sit around reading books when I am there. I have learned to bring my own books.
Maybe you could suggest some fun activities you want to do with them while you are there? Go out to eat, visit other people together, see some sights?
I would say they probably think of you as family (you are) and not company. You should visit my sister and her husband, they sit around reading books when I am there. I have learned to bring my own books.
Maybe you could suggest some fun activities you want to do with them while you are there? Go out to eat, visit other people together, see some sights?
I have suggested that. They don't like to leave their houses much. Funny you mention reading. After this visit I ended up hanging out a cabin and the host would just sit around and read books a few times.
I had to laugh at the reading books comments. As a newly-wed I found it mildly offensive that my in-laws wanted to sit around watching TV rather than talking with each other. Both of their married sons lived far away, one overseas. We didn't get together that often.
As I don't really watch TV I would bring along books to read. I overheard my FIL complaining about my constant reading. "Watching TV is a family activity" he said.
It's a little bit anti-social but it's family. They don't feel like they have to entertain or impress you. You can fight it or accept it... They are who they are.
I agree that helping your dad with the fence was a great way to spend time with him. Some people are not comfortable just sitting and visiting, and conversation is better when you both are involved in a mutual activity. My mom and I had our best talks while grocery shopping.
Your mom may just find it hard to sit still, or after all these years she thinks she just "has" to fold that laundry right now. Visitors can be tiring, you know.
Next time just say something ... "Mom/Dad, I'm only gonna be here till Sunday. Can we just sit and talk a little while?"
My mom does that. She spends far more time in the kitchen than seems reasonable. I sit around the family room with my dad a lot. I haven't yet figured out how to get around this except to suggest some outings or things you want to do while you're there. Maybe take them out to dinner?
Hey at least their noses weren't in their phones/iPads the whole time! If it were me, I think I'd change my expectations of the trip, and consider it a place to sleep while visiting the area. Find some things to do and yes - suggest a dinner/lunch with each parent - at least once! Or an event. Something you can do with them away from the house. But I wouldn't expect them to spend the entire 2 days sitting and talking to me.
How old are you? From the time that I graduated from college until my Mom passed away 15 years later and Dad 25 years later all of my visits home were "working visits". Sometimes I would return back to my own home so exhausted I felt like I would need a vacation from my vacation.
What did I do? Well, Mom was physically challenged so I would drive her and help her with various errands that she would save up for me to help her complete. She planned most of her doctors appointments for when I would be home so that I could drive her to them and be a "second set of ears". Later, after she became bedridden, I assisted with hands-on caregiving as well as running errands and doing additional household chores, doing laundry, making meals, etc. (everything that I could do to take a burden off my parents and make it easier for them).
With my dad, sometimes it was things like taking over some of the farm chores to give him a small break. Sometimes there would be major tasks like painting the inside of several rooms, or helping with planting or harvest. Normally we would working together on things (many hands make light work).
Of course, we had plenty of time for chatting and conversation while we worked together on the chores. Occasionally, we would do something fun like visit a relative or have a cookout or picnic in the yard or woods.
My parents did not "believe" in wasting money going to restaurants but occasionally I would invite some relatives or friends over to their house (of course with their permission) and cook a nice meal for everyone. We would then make time to sit down and chat with everyone.
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