Dealing with a constant complainer (person, member, relatives, conversation)

[PuppiesandKittens]

I have a close family member who is a chronic complainer. The family member complains about:

1. The family dog
2. Church (the church doesn't do enough programming in such-and-such an area)
3. Politics
4. A few relatives

It gets tiresome.

The family dog is wonderful and the family member says that the family dog is the family member's "best friend", but the family member still complains.

At church, the family member could volunteer to head a committee to handle the desired programming.

The family member could volunteer for a political campaign...or just turn off the TV.

The family member could just forgive the relatives and put them out of mind.

But the family member won't; the family member just complains but won't act to change things.

How do YOU deal with people like this, particularly when they're close relatives?

I've thought about saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and changing the topic of conversation, but the family member just keeps at it.

I've tried offering solutions, but that's pointless and likely aggravating.

The family member just goes on and on with statements of dislike for the political party that I generally support (which just grates), etc.


Thanks.

[Spuggy]

You can just name it and state “ I am not interested in listening to your complaining” and keep saying it every single time.

[Marie Joseph]

I feel for you because it's VERY frustrating having someone who comes complaining to you frequently about the same grievances yet does not seem to want to do anything that you suggest to fix them.

I work in management and people often like to complain to me

A few things that I've learned about complaints/complainers:

1. Sometimes there is validity with the complaint.

2. Sometimes the complainer just wants someone to listen to them and not necessarily about the complaint. They are just frustrated about something else and aren't good at expressing their feelings/thoughts.

3. Some people just like to complain and don't necessarily want you to fix it.

4. Complainers very rarely are going to listen to your 'fixes'. It sucks but it's the truth.

5. Everybody complains at some point or another.

6. Your 'concern' might be seen as someone else's 'complainer'. Someone else's 'concerns' might be seen as your 'complainer'. A lot of complainers don't think they are complainers or don't realize that they are doing it.

Best way to handle it?

First you want to listen to them without interrupting or offering suggestions, as hard as it is. Let them vent out all of their complaints. After they are done, repeat back for understanding--'so you are feeling frustrated about the dog because of X ?'. and so on. Your goal here is to get them to take an ACTIVE role in discussing, rather than complaining. Then you want start getting them to talk about solutions. Say something like: 'I understand what you are saying about the situation with the dog frustrating you because of X. What kind of actions do you think would help you feel less frustrated by this?'

What you are trying to work on is getting them to think about how to solve their own issues and take the lead here. It is not 100% of course; some just wanna complain, lol. In that case all you can do is keep that fact in mind and just tell yourself that the complaining session does not last forever.

Good luck with your complainer.

[theoldnorthstate]

I have a similar deal with a close relative whom I love dearly but no matter what nearly every conversation (she) skillfully works its way back to how awful her childhood years were, how badly she was treated, how life has treated her badly. Somebody said something mean to her when she was 12 years old or whatever. And she is now 65 years old.

I have tried to disengage, redirect, suggest, get off the line, and outright say something I hoped to be helpful. I have tried reflective listening. I have said' I am sorry you feel your life was horrible but I cannot listen to this anymore. It upsets me and it gets us no where'. I am then called mean. I hurt her. she picks words and restrings them to support her negative perception. It is crazy.

and she is a constant complainer even when she is not looking back 50 years to the injustices she endured.

just venting because this weekend was another one of those phone calls that start cheery and end up with me feeling in the dumps.

interested if others have this experience and how they handle it.

[Chaofan]

"Oh, that sounds terrible! What are you going to do about it?/What are your plans for dealing with this?"


Just always put the ball back in their court with an expectation of action on their part. It is probable that they have no interest in doing anything to make the "bad" situation better. If you always respond as though you anticipate their leaping into action at any moment, they might learn to be wary of complaining around you.


Never offer suggestions for remedies yourself. That will just give them more opportunities to be negative when he tell you why that won't work or that they can't do that or some other excuse.


Just agree that whatever it is they are complaining about is just as bad as they say it is and ask them what they are going to do to fix it. Think up several different responses in that vein so you have them ready when needed.

[Gilah G.]

I'm married to one.
I walk away. Put my hand up and roll my eyes.
Tell him don't talk to me unless you have positivity attached to the end of your complaint.
I ask constantly ,"don't you ever get sick and tired of complaining?"
Tune him out.
Go into another room.
And the one that shuts him up...
Kill him with kindness and say if that's what you really have to complain about you sure do have tough effing life don't you?

[cBach]

Just ignore it. Mention something totally unrelated. Don't engage in any negativity and it just may stop, or at least be reduced.

I hate complainers.

[Mikala43]

My MIL.

She complains about everything (it's her happy place), her life, what we are doing for vacation, the kids, her doctors.... you name and she'll complain about it!!

Meh. I just nod my and say things like "how horrible" and stuff. We do minimize contact with her.

[Nov3]

I like some of the suggestions!

I do the ole Get a notepad and I jot down their complaint. I date and time stamp it. Then when they "weeks" or "hours" later go on their rant I go...hold up! I think I took notes on that before...I was wondering if we can close that chapter since it seems to have met its course. ? Then if they get huffy about it say....in a sincere voice...Ohh dear, did I get the notes wrong? Most times all it takes is a good note taker to get them to see the wonders of their redundant harping.

[LilyMae521]

I have found the best solution for keeping my chronic complainer from ruining my day is to keep it short, basically closing the conversation up when the complaining starts.

The other thing I learned from dealing with this chronic complainer is what NOT to do in my relationships with the younger generation. I want them to enjoy their visits with me.
So OP, put a positive spin on it in that respect. Consider the times you listen to this person to be demonstrations of how NOT to behave. Then at least something positive will come out of it. The complaining thread that sometimes runs from generation to generation will be broken.