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This thread is a follow up on a thread I posted a few months ago about the same person: How to deal with an insecure friend?
I befriended this former coworker about a year ago or so. We went on vacation together and see each other rather often.
She dated this colleague of ours (we work for the same company, different offices). I personally have never met him. We just talked a few times over the phone/chat. It didn't work out between the two of them because she demanded more emotional commitment than he was able to deliver. She has however been obsessing over him since they broke up more than 6 months ago. She would tell him not to speak to her then initiate contact with him etc...During this whole time, I have been more than just her confident (every time we would see each other, she would spend hours talking about him).
The guy was due to visit the city this weekend and invited a couple of his coworkers (including her) to have a drink this evening. He invited me also. When I told her he invited me, things spiralled down through text during business hours: She said she felt special when he invited her, but the fact that he invited me didn't make her feel special anymore. She went on about how the guy is supposedly into me due to my educational background, personality and reputation at work. She kept saying she didn't want to go because she couldn't bear to see him hitting on me. She said he was with her, but wanted to be with me instead blah blah. A few hour tantrum via text.
This is unrealistic given the only sight we have of one another is our respective pictures on the company directory. Yet, I told her more than 100 times that I am not into him as I've never met him and even if I did, I'm fairly sure I still would not be.
I know for a fact this guy is not into me because he's given me zero signs. We're just "colleagues". Yet, when I tell her about other colleagues (that I know in real life) who blatantly show interest in me, she shuts me down and says: "They're just colleagues, they're not into you, they're just nice" (OK, a straight guy calling a woman angel at work is normal..). So, I don't even talk about anyone because whenever I do, she goes silent or gives me a one sentence response.
Today, she texted me to check whether I was going .. I simply replied "no". Then she asked me "Why?". I mean, did she forget the drama she made up in her head two days ago?
I was looking forward to hanging out with people, but she tarnished the whole thing with her illegitimate drama. She wound up going and I did not. It's as thought she purposefully created this drama, so I would not go and she would get the guy all to herself. I haven't even seen him in real life. I ended up texting the guy to say I'm not coming (with no explanation) and I think he was like "Why?". Truth is, I want to remain drama free and she annoyed the heck of out me on Wednesday during business hours.
Why is she being so dramatic? This made me feel really bad (not about myself) to the point where I completely shut down from her. This is not the type of friendship I want to have. I have not shut down from a friend since high school!
If there’s this much drama, perhaps you should start distancing yourself from this person. It must be exhausting to go through these mental gymnastics every time you interact with her. And now you’re avoiding social situations because of her drama. It’s time to let her go as a friend. True friendship, a meeting of equals who have things in common, shouldn’t be this much work.
Going would have led to her creating more drama afterwards. I'm sure.
I'm not saying I want to change her. I just would like to know if it's worth remaining friends with her.
Only because you allow it. You control your emotions and reactions. If she reacted afterwards simply tell her you won’t listen to her nonsense.
I would definitely distance myself from someone who prevented me from doing what o wanted to do because I was worried how they would react. That’s no friend.
If the question is how to deal with this I’m afraid there is no answer. This is who she is. You could bring up your concerns and hope it inspires a change, but other than that it kind of is what it is. If you want to remain froens, you have to develop a think skin to this kind of treatment.
Being friends with this girl seems to mean drama, her remaining the center of attention, and seeing your issues/accomplishments downplayed. You haven’t described what qualities you find good about her, so only you can answer if the good is worth dealing with the bad.
I think it is OK to tell her that her drama causing behavior is tiresome and upsetting. I mean, if her close friend does not tell her, who would? Telling her might end the friendship, but then what have you really lost? Hours of her talking endlessly about some guy who does not feel about her the way she feels about him.
If you tell her, you might be doing her a favor, actually. But if you tell her, there will be drama, so—.
You need to decide whether the friendship is worth the high maintenance it requires. No one here can answer that question for you. It does sound as if she is much more interested in talking than in listening. So, what are you receiving from this relationship?
If you decide to break it off with her, and you want to tell her this, I recommend doing it via email. You will be able to state your reasons without emotional interruptions. But you might be able to simply fade away, and that might be the least drama free way for you. Only you know which way would work best.
If you decide you want this person in your life, I recommend telling her that her melt downs have to stop. See my first paragraph.
Today, she texted me to check whether I was going .. I simply replied "no". Then she asked me "Why?". I mean, did she forget the drama she made up in her head two days ago?
I was looking forward to hanging out with people, but she tarnished the whole thing with her illegitimate drama. She wound up going and I did not. It's as thought she purposefully created this drama, so I would not go and she would get the guy all to herself. I haven't even seen him in real life. I ended up texting the guy to say I'm not coming (with no explanation) and I think he was like "Why?". Truth is, I want to remain drama free and she annoyed the heck of out me on Wednesday during business hours.
Why is she being so dramatic? This made me feel really bad (not about myself) to the point where I completely shut down from her. This is not the type of friendship I want to have. I have not shut down from a friend since high school!
Thanks.
I don't think I am familiar with your other thread, but just based on this one alone.... Just cut bait with this "friend". It sounds like you're self-aware enough to realize you don't want this type of friendship, so what do you plan on doing?
She is being so dramatic because that's who she is. Placating a melodramatic friend is playing along with their antics and ultimately doesn't allow for a drama-free friendship. Just make sure to change your responses the next time you deal with a melodramatic friend... like not engaging in a few hours tantrum fit during work.
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