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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Turntable
Hey y'all, I'll try to be as thorough with the contextual background as possible. All of my family resides in Texas where I'm from and I live in Washington state. I moved up here 4 years ago and I haven't seen them since.
My mother called me yesterday to ask me to walk her down the aisle and I'll be honest. I do not want to for various reasons. I don't know or care to know the person she is marrying. I don't really have a relationship with my family. It's not negative but I'm not a social butterfly and the distance (along with my career development) pretty much means I have no desire to be there.
Also I hate family like gatherings such as weddings and funerals. They are too sappy and emotional and I have to dress up. It is such an eye roll. Now I know ultimately I'm grown I can do what I want but I do want to decline as gracefully as possible. However I don't exactly have a way with words. I mean I don't think she should have any grounds to be offended but still.
I've lurked on this forum for a while and I've seen many insightful posts so I'm hoping I can get the same. Thank you.
This would be a fair point if you were against her marrying the dude. But since you don’t have a clear objection to the marriage, you are kind of out of gas here. You can’t really get out of this without looking like an ahole, if that is something you care about.
But I don’t get it. If you’ve moved away from them and don’t really have a relationship with them, why the hell would they want you there anyway?
But I don’t get it. If you’ve moved away from them and don’t really have a relationship with them, why the hell would they want you there anyway?
This was the first thing that came to my mind, too but I was just trying to stick to what the OP could say to get off easy, not the hows and whys of the whole situation, which we certainly don't know.
I don't know why the OP's mom wants him (her?) to walk her down the aisle or why he (she?) really doesn't want to go, but it doesn't matter - Mom's feelings are going to get hurt and people are going to notice that the OP isn't there, for whatever reasons. It's just that simple, so I'd keep it simple rather than blowing up th whole thing. Mom's big day doesn't need to be consumed by this drama. The sooner the OP just lets Mom down short and sweet, the better.
But I don’t get it. If you’ve moved away from them and don’t really have a relationship with them, why the hell would they want you there anyway?
That's what I'm saying. I don't really have much of a grievance against my mother except maybe being overly religious when I was growing up and forcing that on me.
However I just kind of drifted away from them in life.
That's what I'm saying. I don't really have much of a grievance against my mother except maybe being overly religious when I was growing up and forcing that on me.
However I just kind of drifted away from them in life.
So, maybe a more in-depth phone call with a little honesty included. You could ask why she wants you to be in the wedding and you have your chance to be honest with her and tell her why you would prefer not to be there.
If you have drifted away from her, then does it really matter that you tell her your honest reasons?
Hey y'all, I'll try to be as thorough with the contextual background as possible. All of my family resides in Texas where I'm from and I live in Washington state. I moved up here 4 years ago and I haven't seen them since.
My mother called me yesterday to ask me to walk her down the aisle and I'll be honest. I do not want to for various reasons. I don't know or care to know the person she is marrying. I don't really have a relationship with my family. It's not negative but I'm not a social butterfly and the distance (along with my career development) pretty much means I have no desire to be there.
Also I hate family like gatherings such as weddings and funerals. They are too sappy and emotional and I have to dress up. It is such an eye roll. Now I know ultimately I'm grown I can do what I want but I do want to decline as gracefully as possible. However I don't exactly have a way with words. I mean I don't think she should have any grounds to be offended but still.
I've lurked on this forum for a while and I've seen many insightful posts so I'm hoping I can get the same. Thank you.
This is not the reasoning of an adult. It is the reasoning of an immature adolescent still under the impression that he or she is the center of the universe while at the same time believing everyone is laughing at them for participating in something "sappy." Adults recognize the value of these events. They do not consider them "sappy" or an "eye roll." (Seriously. That's the reasoning of a 12-year-old).
You may not be close to your family, but this is a significant life event. It is not about you, but you are making it all about you by staying away for what appear to be simply selfish reasons or because of lack of social skills. If, at some time in the future, a sufficient level of maturity is actually achieved to be able to appreciate the significance of your presence at this event, you might very regret not having participated. Unless your reasons for staying away include actual abuse (and not the "they made me take piano lessons" variety), refusing to participate is simply selfish and childish.
But you are right. The choice is yours. Even though participating would be the right thing to do, no one can make you do it. You may very well feel self-conscious while performing this simple act of caring for your mother. It is unlikely that anyone will be paying much attention to you in the very few minutes you will be in view. Unless you deliberately misbehave, no one will notice you much at all. Everyone will notice if you are not there, and not in a way that does you credit.
This is not the reasoning of an adult. It is the reasoning of an immature adolescent still under the impression that he or she is the center of the universe while at the same time believing everyone is laughing at them for participating in something "sappy." Adults recognize the value of these events. They do not consider them "sappy" or an "eye roll." (Seriously. That's the reasoning of a 12-year-old).
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that post read like it was from a petulant child.
OP, if you wish to have a relationship with your mother in the future, suck it up and go (and do not sit in the corner pouting because you don't want to be there).
Not attending her wedding (because it's too far, too sappy, and you would have to dress up) would be EXTREMELY hurtful. She not only wants you to attend, she wants you in a position of prominence. It seems important to her.
So, maybe a more in-depth phone call with a little honesty included. You could ask why she wants you to be in the wedding and you have your chance to be honest with her and tell her why you would prefer not to be there.
If you have drifted away from her, then does it really matter that you tell her your honest reasons?
I'll add this...
More than likely, the reason that your mother is asking you to give her a way is to provide an avenue for the two of you to reconnect. Otherwise, I'm sure you would have simply received an invite to attend or be an usher.
It's difficult when people choose to remove themselves from your lives, whether the reason for it is known or not. When it's family, it's even more difficult. This may not be the case for you, but it appears your mother is struggling with it.
Hey y'all, I'll try to be as thorough with the contextual background as possible. All of my family resides in Texas where I'm from and I live in Washington state. I moved up here 4 years ago and I haven't seen them since.
My mother called me yesterday to ask me to walk her down the aisle and I'll be honest. I do not want to for various reasons. I don't know or care to know the person she is marrying. I don't really have a relationship with my family. It's not negative but I'm not a social butterfly and the distance (along with my career development) pretty much means I have no desire to be there.
Also I hate family like gatherings such as weddings and funerals. They are too sappy and emotional and I have to dress up. It is such an eye roll. Now I know ultimately I'm grown I can do what I want but I do want to decline as gracefully as possible. However I don't exactly have a way with words. I mean I don't think she should have any grounds to be offended but still.
I've lurked on this forum for a while and I've seen many insightful posts so I'm hoping I can get the same. Thank you.
I honestly think you should just suck it up and do it anyway. You don't have to like it, you don't have to approve, but it would just be decent of you - especially since she asked. It is only a few hours of your life, and it might mean the world to someone else.
I always try & think, will I regret this decision, if I do or do not do it? Your Mother will die one day, & you will miss her. ( Even if you never see her now, you will still miss her)
If it is at all feasible, I think you should go. Spend one day & then get back to work.
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