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What makes you think your sister is unhappy with her life? You say she's feeling the pain of being undesirable, but it sounds like you are more unhappy with what you perceive to be her undesirability. Has she asked you for help with this?
She just seems kind of sad, like her mind is somewhere else.
I wouldn't blame yourself or even your parents. Yes, your parents may have done a poor job in helping your sister grow up in a culture different than they grew up in and probably contributed to her struggles socially, but they (hopefully) don't have influence over her anymore. Besides, blaming anyone won't do your sister any good. There comes a time when everyone must take responsibility for their own actions. When your sister moved out, assuming she moved out already, she had a chance to do what she wanted. People are capable of changing. If she wants to meet people she has to take risks. I know it's not easy, as I'm introverted myself and have a hard time with any kind of relationships, but she has to make an effort. I always say, you only live once. You have to put yourself out there if you want a relationship. Sure you may get rejected, but that's life. Life isn't fair. She may never find a relationship even if she tries but if she never tries it's a certainty she won't. Better take a chance and fail then never try at all. Do it before it's too late.
Just from what you have told us, I doubt your sister is alone due to her looks. It's more her shyness and probably social anxiety. Placing blame at tis point is pointless and it stops you and her from moving on.
Now the big question is does she want your help? Maybe she doesn't.
Sister feeling the pain of being undesirable, and its hurting me too.
So my older sister has never been in a romantic relationship. She is not what you call very attractive. She is not ugly, but just not attractive. She is very reserved, and low confidence. She can try online dating but she wont, because she is too shy.
I blame our parents. They come from a culture that is very reserved, and 3rd worldish east asian mentality. They tried to raise us that way here in the States. But that really does not work here. They are arrogant enough to think it is not their fault.
I also blame myself. I rebelled against my parents. My sister was too weak to rebel with me, and she stayed on my parents side of things, and she often was on the wrong side of our family squabbles. I think that affected her self esteem a lot. I feel bad. I hate the idea that I made her what she is.
I wish I could tell her, but I dont know how. I want her to be happy. I wish I had kick the crap out of my parents harder. I feel like I did not finish the job.
How old is she? I doubt she looks much worse than the other unconventionally attractive women out there who are paired up.
when something is right parents want all the credit. Well it is two way street...It cannot be like that.
I don't think you've had enough parents to generalize. To me your real issue is with your parents, and you are using your sister as a reason to dis them. I think you could use a little counseling because your family dynamics are way off, especially when you regret not being violent toward them, even if just figuratively.
This is not your problem. This is your sister's journey.
Live your life to the best that you can and let your sister find her own way. Of course, love her! But don't take her problems on as your own.
I suspect there are some family system issues going on here that probably can't be resolved without loads of therapy, if ever.
But in the meantime, you live your life. Be happy. Chase down joy. Live the fullest life outside of your family. Be the light so your sister can see that life doesn't have to be miserable, single or not.
Can you casually introduce her to people? Not just men, but people in general. The more people you know the more likely that someone will have a brother or friend that she might hit it off with, particularly if it is happenstance. Meeting someone as a potential partner puts a lot of stress on a shy person. Group activities might be helpful. If you are doing something the focus isn't on talking. As for looks..... plenty of people that are not considered attractive have relationships.
Sister feeling the pain of being undesirable, and its hurting me too.
So my older sister has never been in a romantic relationship. She is not what you call very attractive. She is not ugly, but just not attractive. She is very reserved, and low confidence. She can try online dating but she wont, because she is too shy.
I blame our parents. They come from a culture that is very reserved, and 3rd worldish east asian mentality. They tried to raise us that way here in the States. But that really does not work here. They are arrogant enough to think it is not their fault.
I also blame myself. I rebelled against my parents. My sister was too weak to rebel with me, and she stayed on my parents side of things, and she often was on the wrong side of our family squabbles. I think that affected her self esteem a lot. I feel bad. I hate the idea that I made her what she is.
I wish I could tell her, but I dont know how. I want her to be happy. I wish I had kick the crap out of my parents harder. I feel like I did not finish the job.
Just wondering how you found out your sister is feeling pain? Did she tell you? Or do you think this because you would be unhappy being like her and are projecting your own feelings.
Stop trying to fix her. She is her own person and assuming she is intelligent will mature naturally and deal with her own problems when she is aware of them and ready.
Perhaps she is uncomfortable with on-line dating because it is unwise to invite strangers into her life.
this will be hard to do. I am not even the most social person myself. But I am a guy, so things are just different for me.
Hmm. We get a lot of posts from introverted guys who are bitter. At least you don't appear that way.
I think you could accompany her somewhere she'd like to go, and hope that she would go by herself next time?
But, if she will not attempt change, she cannot change. You may not be able to convince her to step out. But she needs to make one small step at a time.
Is there something she likes that would draw her out of herself? Does she have a talent for art or needlework? Would she attend exhibits that featured things she was interested in?
Or, could she make a daily trek to a local coffee shop in the morning?
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