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Sister feeling the pain of being undesirable, and its hurting me too.
So my older sister has never been in a romantic relationship. She is not what you call very attractive. She is not ugly, but just not attractive. She is very reserved, and low confidence. She can try online dating but she wont, because she is too shy.
I blame our parents. They come from a culture that is very reserved, and 3rd worldish east asian mentality. They tried to raise us that way here in the States. But that really does not work here. They are arrogant enough to think it is not their fault.
I also blame myself. I rebelled against my parents. My sister was too weak to rebel with me, and she stayed on my parents side of things, and she often was on the wrong side of our family squabbles. I think that affected her self esteem a lot. I feel bad. I hate the idea that I made her what she is.
I wish I could tell her, but I dont know how. I want her to be happy. I wish I had kick the crap out of my parents harder. I feel like I did not finish the job.
Maybe you can help your sister with her hair, makeup, and clothes etc. so she will be more attractive. Take her out with you if you can and help her learn not to be so shy.
People are born who they are. Unless she was abused, she is a reserved person. My husband and I are very outgoing, brought our kids to many get togethers. My son wants no part of it. He prefers a very small group of friends and isn’t very social.
I pushed him to do more. He finally said to me “mom, I am happy, why do you keep pushing?”
We can influence our children, but cannot change who they are at their core.
You might ask your sister specifically what changes she wants to make in her life, and then help her take the first few steps toward that change. She might benefit from taking a college class, for instance. Or, as another poster suggested, perhaps she needs help with grooming or fashion.
If your sister is not willing to change something in her life, then I doubt if you can help her very much.
I also think that your sister is possibly depressed. To take whatever first steps she might decide to take, she might need a med from the doc to help her mental state. But she will have a hard time with her mood if she does not take steps to improve her life.
That is where you come in. You need to be her cheerleader. But you can’t force her into anything. She has to want to make changes. I’d start with a long talk with her about what thing she feels able to do first, to get herself unstuck. Remind her that every journey begins with that first frightened step. I think that she will need courage to leave her cocoon, so to speak.
I do not advocate trying to change her basic reserved personality. But a morning trip to a coffee shop, a college class, volunteering at an animal shelter or some other activity that interests but frightens her might be what she needs to try. I do understand that this will be hard for her. Change is hard.
Sister feeling the pain of being undesirable, and its hurting me too.
So my older sister has never been in a romantic relationship. She is not what you call very attractive. She is not ugly, but just not attractive. She is very reserved, and low confidence. She can try online dating but she wont, because she is too shy.
I blame our parents. They come from a culture that is very reserved, and 3rd worldish east asian mentality. They tried to raise us that way here in the States. But that really does not work here. They are arrogant enough to think it is not their fault.
I also blame myself. I rebelled against my parents. My sister was too weak to rebel with me, and she stayed on my parents side of things, and she often was on the wrong side of our family squabbles. I think that affected her self esteem a lot. I feel bad. I hate the idea that I made her what she is.
I wish I could tell her, but I dont know how. I want her to be happy. I wish I had kick the crap out of my parents harder. I feel like I did not finish the job.
What makes you think your sister is unhappy with her life? You say she's feeling the pain of being undesirable, but it sounds like you are more unhappy with what you perceive to be her undesirability. Has she asked you for help with this?
What makes you think your sister is unhappy with her life? You say she's feeling the pain of being undesirable, but it sounds like you are more unhappy with what you perceive to be her undesirability. Has she asked you for help with this?
Agree with this. OP you seem to be borrowing trouble. Your sister probably has aspects to her life that she's content with, at peace with, and she may find her happiness in ways that don't occur to you. You are also blaming a lot of people for something they may not have knowingly done. It almost sounds as if you want to force her into something. Why? Look at yourself as you think about that. If you are not happy you'll have to deal with that on your own.
To pressure your sister is no different the your parents pressure you. back off .
If your pushing pushes her into a sour relationship, you are the culprit .
Let her decide when she is going to stop being shy. Her decision not yours.
You might ask your sister specifically what changes she wants to make in her life, and then help her take the first few steps toward that change. She might benefit from taking a college class, for instance. Or, as another poster suggested, perhaps she needs help with grooming or fashion.
If your sister is not willing to change something in her life, then I doubt if you can help her very much.
I also think that your sister is possibly depressed. To take whatever first steps she might decide to take, she might need a med from the doc to help her mental state. But she will have a hard time with her mood if she does not take steps to improve her life.
That is where you come in. You need to be her cheerleader. But you can’t force her into anything. She has to want to make changes. I’d start with a long talk with her about what thing she feels able to do first, to get herself unstuck. Remind her that every journey begins with that first frightened step. I think that she will need courage to leave her cocoon, so to speak.
I do not advocate trying to change her basic reserved personality. But a morning trip to a coffee shop, a college class, volunteering at an animal shelter or some other activity that interests but frightens her might be what she needs to try. I do understand that this will be hard for her. Change is hard.
Good luck.
this will be hard to do. I am not even the most social person myself. But I am a guy, so things are just different for me.
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