Need female perspective- strange experience btwn wife/Sister-law (wedding, house, issues)
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The issue is you, not your wife or her sister. That private gift purchase is out of line. Then you want to take her out alone....this is some nasty, passive-aggressive behavior.
Last edited by Brave Stranger; 12-23-2018 at 08:39 PM..
First, just to give you perspective, I am looking for more so of an understanding in order to better navigate the following;
Background- My wife's sister (27) came to visit us for a month from Eastern Europe. We currently live in Vegas. This is the first time in 15 years that my wife has had family come visit her in the US. They are both from the Baltics. Her sister and I are both Scorpio's, private and deep thinkers- 24 October. I am also big on giving people their space as I enjoy mine. My wife (36) is the opposite. She loves to entertain and live in the moment. My wife even expressed how she has noticed many similarities between as her sister felt my Scorpio vibe. It's kind of strange to have another private person in the house because I can totally identify with her behavior. It actually throws me off.
My was taken back by the fact that even though her sister had been in town for 2 days, sleeping while fighting off jet lag, I didn't get to really interact with her. She didn't understand why I wasn't all over trying to get to know her sister. I told her that I literally couldn't interact because I don't come home til 6 and she had been sleeping all day after a 20 something hour trip. Also, when she was awake and talking alone with my sister, I didn't want to interfere and interrupt their flow. Again, I am big on giving people space, especially it being 2 years since my wife visiting her family in Europe. Even more interesting, my wife knew that I am not big on having people over at the house for too long because it interrupts my flow. I am not big on entertaining people; however, we have been going out as a family since then and everything is going great. Her sister even expressed that she enjoys my children and feels more comfortable being in the US for the first time than any place in Europe.
The real issue- I told my wife that I had gotten her sister a gift. My wife became a bit upset and said I should have told her before hand so she wouldn't have gotten her sister another gift herself. I told her that my gift was separate, although it would be presented by both me and my wife. Still, my wife felt a certain way in that I should have communicated this to her. She even asked me how I would have felt if the tables had been turned and she bought a gift for my brother. I told her that I would actually have been thrilled that she was making an effort and that probably it must be a "female" thing because as a man, I wouldn't feel a certain way.
This is strange because my wife has NEVER acted this strange before. She is extremely agreeable- even when it comes to allowing me to pursue my nightlife/musical hobbies. She is also a very secure person, doesn't snoop or accuse me of anything. This is when I became curious because this was totally unlike my wife. I told her that it was a simple gesture in that since I shared some hobbie related interests with her sister, that I wanted to extend myself in being more welcoming. Basically, just trying to do the right thing. Furthermore, I plan on taking her sister out her in Vegas and my wife is totally fine with it.
Upon further discussion, my wife said she understood where I was coming from and she expressed that it was possibly some territorial thing of which I "kind" of get. Now, remember, I am the deep analytical one. I tried to figure where this came from, but my wife said that although she understands and was fine with my gesture, she couldn't explain where it came from. I told her that I needed to know what it was so that I wouldn't find myself in anymore odd situations. The problem is, as far as she is concerned, the conversation is done. She gets my point and doesn't want to discuss it again.
Now, some people might say to leave it alone and don't push it, while these are the same people who might also say to have an open discussion- it's like pick a lane, people... The problem is, I have another month with these two ladies in the house and I really want to prevent a disaster. I am looking for a deeper meaning because I am getting phone calls one day for not being enough attentive, but now being harassed for buying a gift.
My question- what do you think that was? Is it it some female territorial phenom? Is there anything I should look out for? Do's, don'ts?
I don't know what it is but no biggie. Don't obsess over it. There is no disaster to avoid. This is a bit dramatic on your end, imho. Sounds like you both get along wonderful, thank your lucky stars and enjoy your new family.
Giving a private gift from yourself to SIL, and taking her out in Vegas without your wife being present is highly inappropriate. I think you already know that. It sounds like you are trying to make your wife jealous. I sure hope you haven't already given the private gift to SIL and extended the invitation to take her out alone.
It was strange you went out of your way to avoid the sister (at first, saying you are giving her space) but then go out of your way to buy a gift unbeknownst to your wife and then offer to show the sister around town (assuming without your wife).
Then you brought up how the sister shares common character traits as you ("Scorpio vibes"?!)
Seems like a potential emotional affair in the growing stages...
First, just to give you perspective, I am looking for more so of an understanding in order to better navigate the following;
Background- My wife's sister (27) came to visit us for a month from Eastern Europe. We currently live in Vegas. This is the first time in 15 years that my wife has had family come visit her in the US. They are both from the Baltics. Her sister and I are both Scorpio's, private and deep thinkers- 24 October. I am also big on giving people their space as I enjoy mine. My wife (36) is the opposite. She loves to entertain and live in the moment. My wife even expressed how she has noticed many similarities between as her sister felt my Scorpio vibe. It's kind of strange to have another private person in the house because I can totally identify with her behavior. It actually throws me off.
My was taken back by the fact that even though her sister had been in town for 2 days, sleeping while fighting off jet lag, I didn't get to really interact with her. She didn't understand why I wasn't all over trying to get to know her sister. I told her that I literally couldn't interact because I don't come home til 6 and she had been sleeping all day after a 20 something hour trip. Also, when she was awake and talking alone with my sister, I didn't want to interfere and interrupt their flow. Again, I am big on giving people space, especially it being 2 years since my wife visiting her family in Europe. Even more interesting, my wife knew that I am not big on having people over at the house for too long because it interrupts my flow. I am not big on entertaining people; however, we have been going out as a family since then and everything is going great. Her sister even expressed that she enjoys my children and feels more comfortable being in the US for the first time than any place in Europe.
The real issue- I told my wife that I had gotten her sister a gift. My wife became a bit upset and said I should have told her before hand so she wouldn't have gotten her sister another gift herself. I told her that my gift was separate, although it would be presented by both me and my wife. Still, my wife felt a certain way in that I should have communicated this to her. She even asked me how I would have felt if the tables had been turned and she bought a gift for my brother. I told her that I would actually have been thrilled that she was making an effort and that probably it must be a "female" thing because as a man, I wouldn't feel a certain way.
This is strange because my wife has NEVER acted this strange before. She is extremely agreeable- even when it comes to allowing me to pursue my nightlife/musical hobbies. She is also a very secure person, doesn't snoop or accuse me of anything. This is when I became curious because this was totally unlike my wife. I told her that it was a simple gesture in that since I shared some hobbie related interests with her sister, that I wanted to extend myself in being more welcoming. Basically, just trying to do the right thing. Furthermore, I plan on taking her sister out her in Vegas and my wife is totally fine with it.
Upon further discussion, my wife said she understood where I was coming from and she expressed that it was possibly some territorial thing of which I "kind" of get. Now, remember, I am the deep analytical one. I tried to figure where this came from, but my wife said that although she understands and was fine with my gesture, she couldn't explain where it came from. I told her that I needed to know what it was so that I wouldn't find myself in anymore odd situations. The problem is, as far as she is concerned, the conversation is done. She gets my point and doesn't want to discuss it again.
Now, some people might say to leave it alone and don't push it, while these are the same people who might also say to have an open discussion- it's like pick a lane, people... The problem is, I have another month with these two ladies in the house and I really want to prevent a disaster. I am looking for a deeper meaning because I am getting phone calls one day for not being enough attentive, but now being harassed for buying a gift.
My question- what do you think that was? Is it it some female territorial phenom? Is there anything I should look out for? Do's, don'ts?
Do you normally get gifts? Sounds like it's not something you usually do, and probably caught her off guard.
I come from a group of people that does not really pay too much attention to gender norms. My friends do things with their in-laws no matter the genders involved because they have all become one big group of friends. I will occasionally borrow a married male friend to go out for a beer and discuss life. But these are all friendships that have grown out of time and shared interests. My buddy and his SIL are best friends - but all the inlaws in that family are close with each other.
The issue is that you don't really know your SIL. You know her through your wife and don't have an existing friendship with her. But you're buying her gifts on your own and planning nights out alone in Las Vegas. I, as woman who has many male and female friends, am officially suspicious and find it inappropriate. And for me to say that... well, let's say there's not much I find inappropriate. You have some growing up to do.
I come from a group of people that does not really pay too much attention to gender norms. My friends do things with their in-laws no matter the genders involved because they have all become one big group of friends. I will occasionally borrow a married male friend to go out for a beer and discuss life. But these are all friendships that have grown out of time and shared interests. My buddy and his SIL are best friends - but all the inlaws in that family are close with each other.
The issue is that you don't really know your SIL. You know her through your wife and don't have an existing friendship with her. But you're buying her gifts on your own and planning nights out alone in Las Vegas. I, as woman who has many male and female friends, am officially suspicious and find it inappropriate. And for me to say that... well, let's say there's not much I find inappropriate. You have some growing up to do.
Chuck the "scorpio" BS and deal with reality.
I agree, seems like a passive aggressive behaviour and created unnecessary drama to punish his wife and set her and her sister up.
It sounds simple to me. Your wife would like you to be friendly and participate in shared activities - that you were planning to buy the sister a private gift is a little creepy and intimate.
The fact that you say you are planning to take the sister out by yourself is also inappropriate, from my perspective.
If you care about your wife, heed her feelings, include her, join the family in ways you might not normally do, be "friendly" (but not intimate), etc.
It's kind of common sense.
That you know her sign and are simpatico with her is a red flag.
I purchased her a pair of sneakers as we are both into fitness while we were both at the mall. I wanted it to be a surprise and kind gesture since I am a sneaker collector myself. How intimate is that?
Furthermore, I came home to my daughter's hair being dyed red because my sister in-law is a stylist. I wasn't' given the courtesy of this happening beforehand. I mentioned this to my wife, which is why she quickly came to "the understanding". Which is worse? My buying a pair of sneakers or my sister in-law playing Euro fashionista with my daughter?
Let's get some perspective here before we start with the inappropriate/creepy commentary...
I am sneaker collector and everyone knows this. She is wearing a pair of white Air Max 95s in the middle of winter. As she being a model, I wanted to surprise her with a black pair of 95s in order to better fit the season. I am also from NY, so it's kind of a big thing for me to match seasonal attire.
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