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I think not having a full-time job is secondary to living in a family member’s basement. People can not have full-time jobs but still do fairly well for themselves. If they own their own homes and are financially independent, it isn’t as big a deal if they work part time. If they are living in a family member’s home AND work part time, that is when it becomes an issue.
^^this.
40 years old and living in a family member's basement would pretty much be a repellent to a normal woman. Only working part-time would be a bit alarming, but if he earned enough to afford to keep a house of his own and do recreational things that could be acceptable.
It sounds as if he may have some mental health issues. Depression and anxiety.....if it's not being treated it should be. But, unless he asks again mind your own business. If he asks have him read this thread.
So, should we find a gentle way to say this? I don't know if it will make much difference but it could. Or should we just not say anything and let him figure it out on his own?
Since he asks then you may as well tell him the truth, although I don't think it will do much good. Some of the women have likely been involved with men who were irresponsible or unambitious (which is laziness in most cases). They see no future with this guy.
But, really, if he doesn't have this figured out at 40 then I don't see him changing. Sad.
If he asked you directly, why would you be posing this question:
You post and response above are not consistent.
It's consistent enough. They're saying he has asked for advice, but should they respond honestly? Kind of similar to when a friend asks if you like their new haircut, lol.
A full-time job isn't necessarily the requirement. Perhaps it should instead be the pursuit of something with passion and a destination. Heck, when I dated my wife, I didn't have two nickels to my name. But I was motivated, was always working to get to the next level, and loved what I did. She had dated a lawyer before me, a guy who made a lot more scratch, but liked that I enjoyed work and life a lot more than he did.
Agreed! When my mother met my father, he was a poor grad student on full scholarship... but she saw his passion and motivation to succeed, which was more attractive to her than the super-wealthy man she'd just left (they were actually engaged). She always told me that story as a lesson, saying "better to find a driven and passionate poor man/woman than a lazy and boring rich one." And by the time they divorced 29 years later, my father was no longer poor. Far from it, in fact.
A 40 year old man who lives in his parent's basement and doesn't work full-time had better be divorced and have custody of his kids on the weekends. And he should be actively seeking better employment. This is the only scenario in which the term "loser" doesn't apply.
You should be proud of yourself for being his friends and trying to set him up with people. That's how a social circle should function. None of my supposed close friends have ever tried to set me up with someone. Every date I've ever had has been as a result of either cold approaching or app/website.
I'm a big believer in speaking up, so that you can be content that you did your best to help.
Based on how you've written your post, I'm confident that you could say it gently and kindly.
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