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Yes, I did get something out of asking the question and reading the responses.
What I got is that -- in the scheme of things -- this is not a big deal...
Perplexing? Yes.
But dangerous, as some implied? -- no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite
Okay, you've decided you know what she isn't, that she's not trying to buy you, that her generosity is just a maybe overly generous quirk she has, and that you would never be willing to end the friendship with her.
So what kind of advice was it that you wanted to get? Keep in mind that nobody else here knows the situation, you are the only one who does. Did you get anything out of any of the replies and suggestions you got that were helpful and that you would be willing to follow through on? Have you now decided you know what to do about her giving gifts to you?
The knitted items...well I give those away too. Knitting is fun, and I have tons of scarves and hats and so does everyone in my family now. But I have started to realize that people really don't want them unless they pick them out themselves, so now I only knit for myself, or things like a blankie for a new baby when you would be giving them a gift anyway.
The other things seem odd, especially this thing about wanting to give you a turntable after you've already turned it down. Did you explain that you have no records and aren't going to buy any? If she gives it to you on your birthday, just give it back and say "I honestly have no use for it, and no place to store it. I thought I made that clear before." If she protests at that point, just set it next to her and say "Thanks, but no thanks" with finality in your voice. It may hurt her feelings a little bit, but at some point she has to realize that she's ignoring YOUR feelings, since you already told her you can't use this gift.
My hubby is a bit of a people pleaser and can't say no to anything. But he is also an over-giver (part of his people pleasing in my opinion), so I get this behavior to some extent. I've tried to explain to him that over-giving makes people uncomfortable because they feel that there must be reciprocity, but he still gives people stuff all the time. He just likes being generous with his friends.
I would have said something along the lines of "No, Karen. I've already told you I do not want the turntable as I have no use for it. Please do not try to give it to me again on my birthday. I will refuse it again. "
You should refuse to accept it. What is she going to say, that you're being rude? She's being rude by giving you a birthday present that she knows you do not want. And I would tell her exactly that if she tried giving it to you on your birthday. "I'm sorry Karen, but you know I do not want this turntable."
This. OP you're going to have to be more firm about telling her NO.
She is pushy. Rethink this "friendship".
I agree with both of you. I'm kinda shocked at the responses.
She does mean well, she is generous, maybe overly generous by my lights.
but hell-- mentally ill??
lol.
manipulative? no.
buying my friendship?
nope.
She has my friendship and she knows it, and I have her friendship, she has shown it many times.
break up a friendship over this? I gotta say --you all that have suggested this--- are very cynical and jaded.
it is simply a quirk she has, I have quirks too, so do you whether you know it or not.
I sure hope your good friends never throw you to the curb bec. of your quirks....
I would NEVER upend this friendship.
A shame that people are giving honest feedback vs telling you whatever it is you want to hear.
Enjoy the turntable.
Yes, I did get something out of asking the question and reading the responses.
What I got is that -- in the scheme of things -- this is not a big deal...
Perplexing? Yes.
But dangerous, as some implied? -- no.
You didn't really answer my question. I asked you if anything was helpful that you could follow through on.
I have other questions for you. Why did you not do the sensible thing that most people would do and take the necklace to a jeweler and ask for an identification of the stone and approximate estimated value on it? Are you afraid to know the value of it?
So what are you going to do if she insists on giving you the turntable or any other larger, useless items? Will you take it and then get rid of it for her? Do you plan to be accepting any more of her gifts, or accepting none, or do you plan to be choosey and accept some of the gifts that are useful to you but turn down the useless ones that you aren't interested in?
Do you understand that by having accepted all the other gifts she's given you in the past 6 months that you have allowed her to stake claims on you as her territory?
Do you understand that if you don't put your foot down about it now and stop the gifting altogether then it becomes incumbent upon you to accept everything she gives you, even if she is using you as her dumping ground? Including the turntable .... surely you must realize that her wanting to give you that useless thing is her using you as a dumping ground for things she doesn't want. And it further stakes her claims on you for future reciprocity.
Yes, it has clearly never been a big deal for you as long as you have been accepting the gifts you approved of from her, it's only an issue for you when she's insistent about giving you something you don't approve of. So stop and think about that ...... it means you are using her materially as well as taking advantage of her emotional quirk, even if you don't see it that way, and you probably won't say no to the useless things because you wouldn't want to give up on the useful things.
I hope you understand that if you continue to accept any more gifts from her it definitely WILL become a big deal for her as she establishes a greater material claim on you and she will expect more and more emotional and material reciprocity from you. Your complicity will be demanded, and THAT is where her quirk may become a very dangerous thing for you.
I would tell her that you enjoy her company but the gifts make you uncomfortable and they are actually hurting your friendship rather than helping. So please, no more gifts. If she doesn't respect this request, end the friendship.
I agree with both of you. I'm kinda shocked at the responses.
She does mean well, she is generous, maybe overly generous by my lights.
but hell-- mentally ill??
lol.
manipulative? no.
buying my friendship?
nope.
She has my friendship and she knows it, and I have her friendship, she has shown it many times.
break up a friendship over this? I gotta say --you all that have suggested this--- are very cynical and jaded.
it is simply a quirk she has, I have quirks too, so do you whether you know it or not.
I sure hope your good friends never throw you to the curb bec. of your quirks....
I would NEVER upend this friendship.
This comment struck me as rude to all sincere commenters here.
You asked for an advice and got different perspectives on your issue with your “ friend” from the people of ALL walks of life in their infinite wisdom.
“Friend” with apostrophe is because no one in my life would be called a friend in such a short period of 6 month, no matter how much fun we had, how many times we helped each other, etc.
Well, one of your quirks seems to be falling into 6 month, possibly questionable ( even by you as OP) friendship, which “ you would NEVER upend”
I do not think you need any advice, not from this generous forum ... perhaps look for different avenues to solve your situation...
OP, I think some posters here may be speaking from experience concerning excessive gift giving. These are some unusual gifts (turntable) and this person is probably cleaning out her attic or picking up things at thrift shops. I can understand if someone asks if you would actually like a certain item but to just foist many gifts on a person is just weird.
Ever hear the phrase “you don’t get something for nothing”? If you explain to your friend that you just don’t have room for more items and she continues to gift, you have a problem. Something just sounds “off”.
I had a friend who was like this. But with her, it was always small gifts. A pair of gloves, a pack of gum, whatever. She was very warm hearted, very funny, very smart...and always very very late for whatever plans we had. LOL
I sometimes think the small gifts were meant to offset the perpetual tardiness.
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