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My mom she's 56 years old, she lives in another country but she's very abusive, christian fanatic, always trying to control my life and jealous of me and my girlfriend, she always had jealous issues with my relationships. She always been like that, I hate that because she criticizes me in everything I do in my life and treats me like I'm a teenager! I'm 32 for God's sake! Example: months ago we had a huge fight because she got jealous of my facebook because I posted pictures of me and my girlfriend, writing we're in love, etc. I need to talk to her because It's time to establish boundaries.
Like yesterday I called her and she asked why am I drinking so much, that after my new relationship I started to drink more. That's not true, it's been years since I drink and she knows that, last time I visited her country two years ago I was drinking a lot of beer. I can remember she bought a lot of Corona beer to me. [bleep] is wrong with her? She doesn't like my girlfriend, she never liked any of my exes, she's always criticizing her to me. Of course my girlfriend doesn't know about that, I never told her! My mom complains too much of her life, stressed out and my family here is always trying to make her go back to Brazil, it's [bleep] stupid! I know I miss her, my family miss her but she lives in a wonderful and better country than[bleep] Brazil!
Everytime we're arguing and I try to defend myself she gets angry and we fight all the time, I don't have patience, imagine if we lived in the same country? Would be a disaster! I don't how to deal with her anymore. She's been through a lot in her life last year, she's an american citizen but we're from Brazil and I'm waiting for my visa/citizenship because three years ago she applied for me through family based application and after that I'm moving to USA. I need some advice to make my own boundaries and that she needs to respect me, my life choices, my girlfriend, and understand that I live my life that way I want it to be.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 03-23-2019 at 09:56 AM..
Reason: vulgar language is deleted
If you want to move to the US and need to make your mother happy to do it, then that's what you have to do. If it's not worth this, and it would be a disaster to appease her until you no longer can, rethink if it's worthwhile.
Her input and drama are a price to pay. She may very well know this already. Is that price worth it, for you?
You need to stop letting your mother bait you into arguments. If you live in another country and speak to her by phone, she can very easily be on a need-to-know basis of most aspects of your life. Don't give her information that she can use against you. Limit what she can see on your social media. If she starts in on something while you're on the phone, tell her you have to go and hang up.
Last edited by fleetiebelle; 03-21-2019 at 03:12 PM..
You need to stop letting your mother bait you into arguments. If you live in another country, she can very easily be on a need-to-know basis of most aspects of your life. Don't give her information that she can use against you. Limit what she can see on your social media. If she starts in on something while you're on the phone, tell her you have to go and hang up.
Yes, it takes both side to get into an argument. OP, you need to back off and say I do not want to get into an argument... then disengage. You also need to accept that your mother is the way she is, and work around that if you want to continue some kind of a relationship with her.
It could be just cultural and generational differences: in some countries one can’t get married unless parents approve.
In some cultures public display of emotions and affection is shameful.
If you are 32 years old you need to be aware of that.
Sometimes the older generation which is revered in some cultures could be helpful ( your Mom did not like your previous girlfriends? And you say they now your exes! - Maybe she saw it a mile away and in her own, maybe unpleasant way tried to warn you..so you won’t waste your time?)
The fact that you are from another country and trying to embrace your new country with its “liberties” and the culture of individualism and that you used the very American (US) expression of “ establishing boundaries”- it is big in the child- parent, husband- wife relationship psycho bubble here in the US) shows that in your attempt to fit in and to be like everyone else here you are prepared to throw away your old culture and the way family dynamics works in your old country...
However, everything comes at a price : if you want your “ boundaries” with your Mom already- after only a few years - then how can you accept the fact that it is your horrible and crude mother who brought you legally here? and sponsoring your citizenship?
As a result of her actions, you - 32 year old self can establish these so called “ boundaries”, enjoy a new independent , “ boundaries” protected life with all the individual liberties including the one to be living on the streets or dying if you can’t afford basic necessities, etc, etc, - because you won’t go and ask your Mom for help, right? Remember? “ boundaries”, individualism? Liberty?
She is your Mom, she wishes you well, but can not express it correctly per your newly acquired standards. Just tell her you love her, value her advice, try to do better by her, but say that you are changing and it makes you sad that when the 2 of you are talking- you are yelling at each other. Let her say the things the way she used to, but do not react, do not get emotional, keep your mouth shut - she is in another country- how can she possibly really interfere with your life here?
Be grateful for all she was doing, is doing, will be doing for you. Try to see it from her point of view- ask questions, why did she not like the things you have done or did not like the people you were dating. You may gain some insight. Overlook her outbursts- you are a man now, you are an adult- she won’t be here for ever...
( and btw, to me - you ARE BEHAVING AS A TEENAGER)
My mom she's 56 years old, she lives in another country but she's very abusive, christian fanatic, always trying to control my life and jealous of me and my girlfriend, she always had jealous issues with my relationships. She always been like that, I hate that because she criticizes me in everything I do in my life and treats me like I'm a teenager! I'm 32 for God's sake! Example: months ago we had a huge fight because she got jealous of my facebook because I posted pictures of me and my girlfriend, writing we're in love, etc. I need to talk to her because It's time to establish boundaries.
Like yesterday I called her and she asked why am I drinking so much, that after my new relationship I started to drink more. That's not true, it's been years since I drink and she knows that, last time I visited her country two years ago I was drinking a lot of beer. I can remember she bought a lot of Corona beer to me. WTF is wrong with her? She doesn't like my girlfriend, she never liked any of my exes, she's always criticizing her to me. Of course my girlfriend doesn't know about that, I never told her! My mom complains too much of her life, stressed out and my family here is always trying to make her go back to Brazil, it's ****ing stupid! I know I miss her, my family miss her but she lives in a wonderful and better country than ****ty Brazil!
Everytime we're arguing and I try to defend myself she gets angry and we fight all the time, I don't have patience, imagine if we lived in the same country? Would be a disaster! I don't how to deal with her anymore. She's been through a lot in her life last year, she's an american citizen but we're from Brazil and I'm waiting for my visa/citizenship because three years ago she applied for me through family based application and after that I'm moving to USA. I need some advice to make my own boundaries and that she needs to respect me, my life choices, my girlfriend, and understand that I live my life that way I want it to be.
Sounds like she keeps getting ammunition from you. You are providing the content for the fights. Having a "talk" with her may not get through...just as her "advice" about life isn't getting through to you. Stop including her in your daily life as much regardless where you live.
Stop defending yourself. She makes a statement let it sit and change the subject. She asks personal questions don’t answer and change the subject. If she is upset over a fb post let her be upset, change the subject or warn her you will unfriended since your page upsets her. Or put her on restrict on fb. Either way you need to set the boundaries and stop discussing so much if your personal life with her.
Change your phone number, unfriend her on Facebook and hide your contacts and timeline, block her on all remaining social media accounts, and when you want to contact her, write her a letter where YOU CONTROL THE NARRATIVE.
First thing first, you shouldn’t have your mom on your Facebook friend list, and is too late to do anything about it now. The best you can do is not post anything on Facebook.
Second, when she criticize you, say, “thank you mom, I will keep that in mind,” and simply do what you do in life. Do not try to argue with her because arguing wouldn’t make a difference.
Third, keep everything to yourself and don’t share it with your mom. If she ask you what you been doing, just tell her something in general, like, oh you know, work and home.
As a son, you should ask her questions about her well being. Like, hey, how you doing lately, have you been traveling? Did you hear about this the president of United States saying something stupid? You know, have a nice conversation with her. Talk to her about life in general, don’t focus on anything about you.
If you are living in two different countries, why is this even an issue. Just live your life and stop posting on FB, and stop telling her everything. She can only go by what you give her.
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