Update: My abusive parents (father, person, divorced, Christian)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
After thinking it over, I've decided I'm not going to cut them out of my life. Not because I want to rebuild things or make amends. My parents and I have not had an honest conversation the whole time I've been alive. Fixing things would be a waste of energy. And for those of you who suggested, yes I still plan on getting therapy.
Cutting them out of my life would mean I am not honoring the family like a good Christian should. It would mean getting chewed out by them again, and having made the exit myself, I will always be the bad guy. And why would I do THAT? That is just so much work!
I have moved out and don't need them for anything anymore. In spite of everything, they have hinted at cutting ME out. At this point, the solution is to go super low contact and be as passive aggressive as possible until they are forced to act.
Or...you could just own the fact that the relationship is irretrievably broken and end it yourself. Being a good Christian doesn’t mean allowing people, even your parents, to abuse you. If you break it off and go no contact, you won’t be taking phone calls or listening to voicemail. You block their texts and emails. So you won’t be suffering their harassment.
To change it, you’re going to have to do something. You mention twice things being too much effort or a waste of energy and being passive aggressive. Take some action and own your choice.
My son is a good Christian- far better than I am although I'm a practicing Christian as well. We both pretty much lost contact with his father, my Ex, years ago. Ex lived halfway across the country but even phone calls and e-mails were out because he was always saying things that he knew would be the most hurtful to each of us and would tell blatant lies (he had a 30-year old GF who owned her own airplane, he owned a 100-foot yacht), and was slowly being dragged down by alcohol abuse and bipolar disorder. He would have dragged us down with him if I hadn't divorced him. He died almost 10 years ago when the alcohol abuse finally did him in.
Being a good Christian does not mean allowing yourself to be subject to the abuses of others. It will tear you up. You can love their parents (if you feel that way), you can pray for them, but don't let them drag you down with them.
After thinking it over, I've decided I'm not going to cut them out of my life. Not because I want to rebuild things or make amends. My parents and I have not had an honest conversation the whole time I've been alive. Fixing things would be a waste of energy. And for those of you who suggested, yes I still plan on getting therapy.
Cutting them out of my life would mean I am not honoring the family like a good Christian should. It would mean getting chewed out by them again, and having made the exit myself, I will always be the bad guy. And why would I do THAT? That is just so much work!
I have moved out and don't need them for anything anymore. In spite of everything, they have hinted at cutting ME out. At this point, the solution is to go super low contact and be as passive aggressive as possible until they are forced to act.
The answer is NEVER to be passive-aggressive. I don't know why you think that's a solution.
Ditto the above - get into therapy now so you can get help sorting this out.
And learn what being a Christian means. It doesn't involve being passive-aggressive or letting yourself be a victim.
What you really need to learn is how to have a good conversation with them about how their actions have impacted you - and then set boundaries. If they can accept the terms and treat you the way they treat their closest friends or favorite people, you can rebuild. If not, you can't continue down this toxic path.
But get the help you need before you go that route.
After thinking it over, I've decided I'm not going to cut them out of my life. Not because I want to rebuild things or make amends. My parents and I have not had an honest conversation the whole time I've been alive. Fixing things would be a waste of energy. And for those of you who suggested, yes I still plan on getting therapy.
Cutting them out of my life would mean I am not honoring the family like a good Christian should. It would mean getting chewed out by them again, and having made the exit myself, I will always be the bad guy. And why would I do THAT? That is just so much work!
I have moved out and don't need them for anything anymore. In spite of everything, they have hinted at cutting ME out. At this point, the solution is to go super low contact and be as passive aggressive as possible until they are forced to act.
I don't think passive aggressive is the way to go. Being passive aggressive means things like showing up late for functions, staying silent when a response is expected. That's not being a good Christian, but there is nothing wrong with going low contact. You may have to move far enough away so that you have good excuses not to see them. If you can see them without telling them any of your problems it might be bearable.
I know a woman who had 3 out of her 4 kids kill themselves partly because she was just like your parents. She even started treating ME like one of her kids and I finally had to relegate her to work only on weekends when I wasn't there - I was her boss. That was the strategy her previous boss used. She lost lots of work hours because of it and she didn't understand why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by littletraveller
We got into a political pow wow at dinner some months ago. I didn't think it was a big deal, but they made it very personal.
That's pretty common from what I hear. Just make it a policy not to talk politics.
Agree on not going passive aggressive. That smacks of vindictiveness, retaliation, a desire to hurt, not get on with your life and heal. Whether aggression is passive or active, you are still going to burn emotional energy concocting ways to carry it out, to keep the outrage alive. You'll still end up giving these people too much space in your head. Space that could be used for better things. IMHO, your update post gave the impression that you are searching for ways to inflict pain, get them before they get you. Not exactly Christian unless you consider yourself some sort of martyr.
Get therapy, and then decide what you want to do. Passive aggression is not Christian behavior, and it is not healthy.
You’ve gotten good advice here. Listen to it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
