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For some background- we live in the Boston area and DH’s mom lives in Arizona with her boyfriend. I met DH I. 2010 she’d been living in Arizona since 2005. She would come to visit and normally stay with dh’’s brother in law since he was married with a kid. We had our first child in 2013
And she same and stayed with us for 2 weeks. It was not a good experience
I was a new mother, only had my son for a week and she and her boyfriend basically sat on my couch for
2 weeks watching tv. She waited for us to entertain her. I had moments of crying and arguing with my husband during this time. DH complained to his brother. They were in MA for
A total of 6 weeks. Stayed with the brother in law who have a bigger house than we do. They have a refinished basement with a bathroom etc. this was 7 years ago and she still
Comes to visit but normally stays with brother in law. He has two young kids. It seems like everyone MIL comes out she gets sick. I remember one year it was stomach flu and it caused tension because I didn’t want to go visit and bring out little one. The following two years it was pneumonia and she ended up in urgent care. It was finally decided that she shouldn’t visit During the winter months since it seems like
That’s when colds, flu and pneumonia are happening. mIl is a nice woman, but she is not in good health. She’s had both knees replaced, has asthma, diabetes, fibromyalgia and is overweight. She probably should never have moved to Arizona and should have stayed in MA owning her own home which would be worth quite a bit now. DH has a younger brother who has had some drug issues and really could have benefited from having a mother around. The younger brother is barely hanging on by a string, had just been a nuisance and caused many issues over the years. He currently lives In an apt owned by my family.
The latest is that DHs mom has bought an RV. She bought it without asking anyone their opinion on it. DH and his brother were pretty irritated. It’s her money but she seems to think she’s going on this cross country excursion to visit us. I have a fear that she and her boyfriend will show up at my house thinking they can stay as long as they like. I have two kids, 4 and 6, I work full time, I don’t want the interruption of she and her boyfriend. She never should have moved, she seems to think of her children as a hotel when she wants to come and visit. I’m just not used to this. My own parents have been nothing but helpful to us. They babysit, don’t want to be in the way or be an inconvenience. mIL is the opposite when she’s around.
We have a family friend who has an RV and it’s not easy to have one. Gas is expensive, there are lots of rules and expenses about where you can keep them. Sort of seems like owning a boat. On top of this MiL is not young. She’s 74 and not a young 74 and her boyfriend seems like an idiot. They just are
Kind of foolish people who don’t think things through. It seems like they’re afraid to get on a plane because of coronavirus so They went and bought an RV. They have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into and I worry that it’s now dhs problem and mine.
There would be no easy or nice way to tell them to not come visit us in their rv...
The pandemic makes it VERY easy. Put your foot down.
Tell her that Arizona is a covid hot spot right now, and you won't be able to see them because you have two small children, unless they quarantine themselves in the RV for 14 days once they arrive. Even so, I wouldn't let them stay with you.
All that stuff about the RV and whether it was a bad purchase is just incidental.
IMHO you need to learn how to tease this apart more. Your post was crammed with a lot of criticism of your MIL and other family. Baggage left over from the past, her illnesses, what you didn't like about her. Obviously you don't agree with some of her choices (giving up her house back east, moving to AZ, buying the RV, the BF, a cross country trip). Those decisions were hers to make for better or worse, not yours. Leave it alone.
Stick to the one real issue...the logistics of a future family visit. If she tells you she's planning to come, politely explain on what terms it would be welcome, what she needs to expect while she's there. For example, you need advance notice. Realities of social distancing. Work/school schedules and ability to entertain. If she plans on staying a while she'll need to base out of her RV. Whether its even possible to just plunk it down in front of your house.
Don't muddy the water with all the other stuff. It's what makes this "complicated" and won't help make your case.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-20-2020 at 10:55 AM..
What Parnassia said. You are getting the general disgust you feel for your husband's mother mixed up with the practical issues of having her visit you.
What Parnassia said. You are getting the general disgust you feel for your husband's mother mixed up with the practical issues of having her visit you.
Just set some boundaries. Simple.
I agree with one small addition: have your husband set the boundaries with her.
I absolutely don’t want her coming to visit anytime soon RV or not. It’s dhs mom, he loves her and I can’t imagine him telling her not to come out. I am just in a very awkward position and I feel like I’ll just snap if she does come out here anytime soon. There’s still a pandemic and there’s no changing that. If she does come then yes they should stay in the RV. Ugh. I am actually laughing as I write this. It seems so ridiculous. She and the boyfriend are actually pretty lazy and I don’t think they realize what they’ve gotten themselves into.
I absolutely don’t want her coming to visit anytime soon RV or not. It’s dhs mom, he loves her and I can’t imagine him telling her not to come out. I am just in a very awkward position and I feel like I’ll just snap if she does come out here anytime soon. There’s still a pandemic and there’s no changing that. If she does come then yes they should stay in the RV. Ugh. I am actually laughing as I write this. It seems so ridiculous. She and the boyfriend are actually pretty lazy and I don’t think they realize what they’ve gotten themselves into.
It seems obvious that your issue is fundamentally with your husband, not as much your mother in law.
It's eating away at your marriage and you're playing with fire as long as you don't resolve this. Ask me how I know.
Covid is the perfect excuse to use as a reason to ask them not to visit at this time. If they do you only see them outside the house at a safe social distance.
Assuming that things eventually get back to normal, perhaps you should plan on ways to make the visits more acceptable to you. Maybe you don't like them, and obviously you don't think your MIL can do anything right, but this woman is someone your husband loves. Perhaps you could think of some activities for them to do while they are visiting that do not involve you. Places they can take the RV. Make a few meals a head of time that you can take out of the freezer and reheat. Pretend you like them. Maybe have them spend time with your children while you do some other things. And stop being so judgemental about your MIL's choices. She raised a son with whom you thought was good enough to have children. So apparently she did something right!
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