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I totally agree with you it's just I got so angry because she just wouldn't stop following me even after I closed the door in my room and tried to give myself space she just kept coming and screaming until I couldn't take it anymore.
Sure, I understand completely. I may have reacted the same way.
I would just steer clear of them....and mail an apology letter to her (not email).
Adjust that self proclaimed halo .
Some horns are showing.
You are officially a guest in someone's home. Seems to me tossing the f bomb and behaving like a petulant teen didn't fair well. Take that off your bucket list. It's not how to handle this element of diplomacy.
I think your parent had her feathers ruffled and did not approach it well as a hostess either. She needs to clean her side of the street in this scenario.
If your parent is of the opinion that you hate them...tossing the f bomb certainly didn't disprove that statement now did it?
You are too caught up in your ego. Be civil. Accept your poor behavior..and understand that your parent is also accountable for this disruption.
My mom went on a similar tirade against me when I didn't put the salt shaker back in the correct spot. It's always something and she always loses her ****. I am genuinely afraid to leave my room or touch anything when I'm home because it always results in an insane tirade akin to the previous one. Trust me, if I moved anything in that exercise room I would still be hearing about it right now.
All of these situations with episodes of rage should be telling you that there's something wrong with your mom's health and she should be seeing her doctor and getting some counselling and maybe is also in need of medications. There are a number of disorders that can cause episodes of rage in a person. Talk to your dad privately about it in confidence and ask him how often she has these kinds of unreasonable abusive episodes with him too. Once you can both recognize that your mom is ill and has no control over it you can become more observant and aware of what triggers her episodes of rage. Tell your father he needs to encourage her to see her doctor or at the very least he can go to the doctor himself and consult with the doctor about what is happening with your mom. The doctor especially NEEDS to be made aware of what is happening with her. Do you understand what I'm saying?
All of these situations with episodes of rage should be telling you that there's something wrong with your mom's health and she should be seeing her doctor and getting some counselling and maybe is also in need of medications. There are a number of disorders that can cause episodes of rage in a person. Talk to your dad about it alone and ask him how often she has these kinds of unreasonable abusive episodes with him too. Once you can recognize that your mom is ill and has no control over it you can become more observant and aware of what triggers her episodes of rage. Tell your father he needs to encourage her to see her doctor or at the very least he can go to the doctor himself and consult with the doctor about what is happening with your mom. The doctor NEEDS to be made aware of what is happening with her. Do you understand what I'm saying?
This, and also you are an adult, and you don't need to put yourself in a situation to be at the mercy of a parent's anger management problem. So that either means you don't visit, or if you do visit, you stay with friends or a hotel. If she starts yelling at you, you walk away, out the door, even. You can definitely set boundaries on what you want your relationship with your mother to look like.
I totally agree with you it's just I got so angry because she just wouldn't stop following me even after I closed the door in my room and tried to give myself space she just kept coming and screaming until I couldn't take it anymore.
You describe someone who may be mentally ill.
Is this a lifelong pattern? Some people think that once they reach adulthood, the triggers that set off a parent will disappear. You're an adult, just like them. You aren't a twerp kid who gets on their nerves and deserves to be hollered at.
I had a parent like that. Once I was an adult and contact was limited, her rages disappeared. She seemed to recognize that I was now a person who could walk out of her life if I wanted. One visit and one innocuous action on my part set her off in a titanic eruption that seemed to have built up. I didn't go back for a lonnnng time and learned to watch for signs she was getting ready to blow. When that happened, the visit ended.
IF that's how your mother acts, there's nothing to be done. There is help for people like that; those who are very sensitive to stressors (your visit, the impending visit of others); but it's something they have to reach for.
I also wouldn't feel judged by remarks made here. You didn't do anything to deserve a banshee attack. Even your own blowup was the action of a person taken unawares and backed into a corner. It's an indication that you now need to modify your own behavior and don't make any more visits without having an escape plan.
Go stay with your friends, proceed with your life. Dollars to donuts, one day she'll reach out and act like the episode never happened. You can then decide what kind of relationship you'll want to have with her.
Promise I won't do any more exercises while I'm there? Seriously? I don't ask anything of my parents. My mom hates when I use the kitchen so I don't even do that. I sit in my room all day just minding my own business and as soon as I just touch something and it's slightly out of place my mom loses her **** and gets to insult me and make me feel like a complete loser? They have two cars that they don't even let me drive and I don't complain about it. I don't ask them for rides, I don't ask anything of them, and you're telling me it's too much to ask to be able to exercise while I'm home for 10 days? And by the way, I already apologized to my mom. It's her who won't apologize to me.
My mom keeps going on about how now she knows I hate her and I'm always mean to her and she asks me to imagine how it must feel to have a daughter who hates her. Well how on earth do you think it feels for me? I mind my own business all day and as soon as I make a small mistake I am absolutely berated and repudiated for it? Do you think that makes me feel particularly loved and welcome? Am I supposed to want to visit my parents more often? I'm paying rent for an apartment I'm not even using so that I could spend some time with my parents and grandparents, which they asked me to do, and this is how I'm treated? Am I supposed to want to come back?
Ah - but you are not home. You are a guest. Just because you are with your parents is no reason to forget that.
I wasn't doing yoga, I was doing cardio on a yoga mat and also playing music. And seriously the exercise room is so cluttered there is no way I could clear anything there and my mom HATES when I touch things so that's a big no. I didn't even notice the rug had shifted and like I said my grandfather isn't arriving for four days so I figured it's fine to leave the yoga mat there for now. She also called me an Moderator cut: deleted first and was insulting me like crazy, telling me I only cared about myself, I'm a liar, etc. Then I went back to my room and she followed me there to continue screaming at me. How was I being careless? What on earth? I moved the rug back as soon as my mom asked me to. I didn't make any other mess. Lazy and abusive? What on earth? You don't think my mom overreacted by calling me an Moderator cut: deleted for shifting the rug a bit?
Sometimes you have to just let toxic/abusive people go. Stay with your friend and have a good rest of your life. There us no reason for you to suffer mental/emotional abuse at the hands of your parent.
Last edited by june 7th; 02-27-2022 at 11:09 AM..
Reason: Fix typo
My mom keeps going on about how now she knows I hate her and I'm always mean to her and she asks me to imagine how it must feel to have a daughter who hates her.
Would you say your mother is a narcissist and your father is an enabler?
How long has this verbal abuse been going on? When did she start screaming at you over every little thing?
My mom went on a similar tirade against me when I didn't put the salt shaker back in the correct spot. It's always something and she always loses her Moderator cut: deleted . I am genuinely afraid to leave my room or touch anything when I'm home because it always results in an insane tirade akin to the previous one. Trust me, if I moved anything in that exercise room I would still be hearing about it right now.
You just answered the question I asked in a previous post.
There is a pattern. As a 61-year-old person, still carrying scars from the rages heaped on me as a young person, I could speculate on your mother's mental illness. I've read enough books, gone through enough therapy, hung out on an I-lost-count number of message boards to name what she is, but that isn't for me to do.
I highly recommend therapy for yourself once you are at a point where it is available. Your mother is mentally ill. I doubt your father would be of much help. He has probably built up his own mental survival tactics to deal with her. Facing his wife and trying to make her get help may be an action he is not able to do.
You can only tend to your own mental health and realize your mother may never get help to change. Mine died two years ago, age 84, without having attained a loving, healthy relationship with her kids or her begets. We eventually became old enough to pity the woman for the good life she could have had and refused to work toward, but understood our survival and protecting the future generations from her was the only thing we could do.
I don't live at home with my parents, but I'm here for 10 days until I start graduate school several states away. I haven't seen my parents or grandma in six months but was very excited to. As soon as I got off the plane I was in a great mood, chatting happily with my mom, when we got home I gave her a gift, updated her on my life, showed her some pictures from my vacation. The next day I went out to eat with a friend and got my mom boba tea. I was in a great mood and really trying to get along well with my parents.
That evening I wanted to do an exercise Youtube video, so I went downstairs to the room that is typically the gym, but realized it was super cluttered. So I laid out a yoga mat in pretty much the only small open space I could find in a different room, and worked out. My grandparents are coming in a few days to stay with us, but I figured I'd exercise in that spot the next day as well, so I left the yoga mat there.
Then, the next day, my mom storms up to my room furious and screaming telling me that I shifted the rug in that room and asking me why the hell the yoga mat is there. I calmly explained that I exercised there last night so as not to awaken my dad whose room is right to mine. She then went psycho telling I ruined the room and that the rug is ruined and my grandpa is coming and she was getting the room ready for him etc. etc. She called me an Moderator cut: delete , told me I only cared about myself, and a bunch of other just insane insults. Then I went downstairs with her because she was screaming at me to fix the rug, and I fixed it, in literally 2 seconds. It was a small area rug that must have shifted while I was exercising.
By now I was pretty upset and threw a few f-bombs,Moderator cut: delete I had tried to go to my room but she literally followed me to continue to tell me how what I did was very wrong. Now I decided to go stay with a friend and my dad is telling ME that I'm ruining family time because I won't just let it go, but I told him I just want an apology. My mom is doing her typical gaslighting and telling me, "I know you hate me, you only like me when I compliment you, maybe you'll be so perfect one day." Literally I just want her to apologize to me, but she won't.
I get it, sure, my mom is stressed because we have family visiting. But that does not give her the right to treat me like a punching bag. I'm here for 10 days, all she had to do was chill out and control her actions and not scream and swear at me. It was such a non-issue and she made me feel like Moderator cut: delete for it. But now I'm the Moderator cut: delete because apparently my mom is crying because "I hate her." Gah this is so exhausting! Help?
My mom and I were finally getting on track with having a friendship like relationship where I share things about my life with her. But honestly, every time I come home she pulls some crazy Moderator cut: delete like this and it just puts us back to where we started. How am I supposed to want to be transparent and open up with her about my life when she acts so insane and angry right away whenever I make the slightest mistake?
There is something else that your mother is upset about. Perhaps it's the fact that you're growing up. My mother got very angry with me when I wanted to go away for school. And it wasn't because she didn't think I should go to that school is because she wasn't ready to let me go.
That's big chapter in another life that's coming to close and I think that's probably a big portion of what she's angry about. You being at home is an adult with different than when you were a kid.
I know it's hard to do especially when it manifests this way but try and not respond that way.
Last edited by june 7th; 02-27-2022 at 11:11 AM..
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