Never Talk to Dad Anymore (wife, girlfriend, father, children)

[rbryant]

This one is a toughie. After we lost our Mom a year ago, Dad has basically turned into something new. He never calls,visits, or spends time with his Granddaughter. In fact, he spends most of his time with his new girlfriend and buying expensive crap. Mind you, I'm not faulting him for wanting companionship but to not spend an hour or so visiting his son and family is a crock of s***. I've confronted him, and he gets defensive and always promises to visit the upcoming weekend. Of course, as always, its an empty promise. A month ago, he changes his number and never bothers to let anyone know. A part of me wants to move on and disassociate myself, and another part wants to call him out and rip into him. Neither is a good option, IMO. Guess I should be grateful that my daughter has my wife's parents, they are better at the "grandparent" thing anyways. I probably just need to let Dad enjoy his last empty years as a 60 plus something guy running around acting like a 22 year old.

[andreaspercheron]

Originally Posted by rbryant

This one is a toughie. After we lost our Mom a year ago, Dad has basically turned into something new. He never calls,visits, or spends time with his Granddaughter. In fact, he spends most of his time with his new girlfriend and buying expensive crap. Mind you, I'm not faulting him for wanting companionship but to not spend an hour or so visiting his son and family is a crock of s***. I've confronted him, and he gets defensive and always promises to visit the upcoming weekend. Of course, as always, its an empty promise. A month ago, he changes his number and never bothers to let anyone know. A part of me wants to move on and disassociate myself, and another part wants to call him out and rip into him. Neither is a good option, IMO. Guess I should be grateful that my daughter has my wife's parents, they are better at the "grandparent" thing anyways. I probably just need to let Dad enjoy his last empty years as a 60 plus something guy running around acting like a 22 year old.

If you want to know how bad it can possibly get, search way back for an earlier post of mine about the woman my fiances Father married after his divorce and how much he changed, how he cut his kids out of his life, moved, changed his number, took on HER kids over his own even though he literally could have been father of the year to his sons in their youth but that all changed when he divorced their mother.
Boyyy did things change... for the worse too. It got very ugly, he got sick and died recently and it was the best thing that could have happened for his kids. At least now their pain is over.

[Boneheaded]

Rbryant, there are a few possible explanations to this. He may simply be depressed and trying to run from anything that reminds him of your mother. (sorry for your loss BTW) My Dad and I say that loosely has been in and out of the picture my entire life. While it is nice to have the "nuclear" family that everyone dreams of, you do have plenty to be thankful for. Just make sure you don't make your fathers mistakes. I know the feeling of wanting to call and scream one day and then wanting to loose his number the next.

Good Luck to you.

[rbryant]

Originally Posted by Boneheaded

Rbryant, there are a few possible explanations to this. He may simply be depressed and trying to run from anything that reminds him of your mother. (sorry for your loss BTW) My Dad and I say that loosely has been in and out of the picture my entire life. While it is nice to have the "nuclear" family that everyone dreams of, you do have plenty to be thankful for. Just make sure you don't make your fathers mistakes. I know the feeling of wanting to call and scream one day and then wanting to loose his number the next.

Good Luck to you.

Thanks for your reply. I believe that most everything has a silver lining to it. In this case, I've learned never to turn away from my kids...even when I'm older and perhaps even widowed. I guess what bothers me, this whole thing is needless. Time is short,what's the harm in picking up the phone and calling your son or sending your granddaughter a card?

[ExPit]

You're in a tough spot, and I've seen it before. It could go on indefinitely, as I guess you know, and that simply is not fair to your daughter. But what do you do? You can't make your dad act like a grandfather. Even if you insist that he is a part of her life, what recourse do you have if he doesn't? I do understand that your father may be running, distancing himself from his own hurt, also from his age; nothing like a grandchild to remind you of your own mortality, but I certainly get your resentment too, and the worst part is this will effect your daughter, even if it's in a small way. But there will still be a hurt, and for who knows how long, that her grandfather wanted nothing to do with her. The problem, the real problem here is that on some level she will blame herself. Kids tend to blame themselves for the problems that adults cause in their lives. This happened in my family too. My mother's grandfather would visit his sister who lived directly across the street from his son and his four grandchildren, and not only would he never visit them he never spoke a word to them, ever. My mother, for as long as she lived, never forgot the hurt of wondering what she had done to cause such coldness towards her. She never forgot the image of four little kids, their noses pressed against the frosted window, watching their mysterious grandfather ignoring their existence.

I think if it were me I would confront him, sooner or later, and let him know how you feel. After due time, he is still adjusting to a life without his wife, if he doesn't come around, I would ex him out of my life and make no further mention of him around your daughter. We all have pain, we all lose loved ones, but some of us manage to do it with a little grace. If he doesn't have it in him so be it; but you don't have to stand by a watch him hurt your daughter's feelings.

[artsyguy]

Maybe you and your Dad need to sit down and have a heart to heart and then do a quick bible study, ask Jesus for forgiveness and love.

[Tia 914]

Originally Posted by rbryant

This one is a toughie. After we lost our Mom a year ago, Dad has basically turned into something new. He never calls,visits, or spends time with his Granddaughter. In fact, he spends most of his time with his new girlfriend and buying expensive crap. Mind you, I'm not faulting him for wanting companionship but to not spend an hour or so visiting his son and family is a crock of s***. I've confronted him, and he gets defensive and always promises to visit the upcoming weekend. Of course, as always, its an empty promise. A month ago, he changes his number and never bothers to let anyone know. A part of me wants to move on and disassociate myself, and another part wants to call him out and rip into him. Neither is a good option, IMO. Guess I should be grateful that my daughter has my wife's parents, they are better at the "grandparent" thing anyways. I probably just need to let Dad enjoy his last empty years as a 60 plus something guy running around acting like a 22 year old.

if by lost you mean she passed away, he could very well be "trying to not" grieve...
people can get really weird, do odd things, when they're afraid to face their feelings...

if I were you (& I'm not in your shoes), I'd "butt in"-- he might resent it to some degree, but it'd be better than him throwing the rest of his life away or doing something stupid

[BLAZER PROPHET]

It's tough to lose someone and start all over.

Here's what I'd do. Get the kid(s) and just stop by unannounced- Over and over and over. Bring some flowers or his favorite whatever- but just be there and love him. In his own time, he'll come around.