People Who No Longer Talk To Parent(s) (wedding, Christmas, mother)
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I can only go by what was posted. I find nothing in the post to warrant estrangement.
Me too; that's why I gotta wonder about the letter that was mentioned. It made me think of a guy I know whose mother wrote him one insane rant after another; the whole situation was very difficult and painful for him.
I've known people to cut off their parents for just that - an extreme sense of entitlement - kids who never grew up and remained kids, maybe because they were indulged and punished their parents for that indulgence.
I wish my whiny brother would follow that example.
Yes.... you do cut them out when they try to RUN your life. Parents have no right to insist on the way adult children live their lives such as where they live, how they spend their money, how they raise their children, what you do for the holidays. And then if you do not do what they want they whine, lay a guilt trip or gossip about it to the rest of the family. Yep... it's cut out time. And no I'm not some spoiled brat, I've worked for everything I have and none of it was given to me by my parents. Yes, I would help my parents out if they needed it ($$) but my nuclear family is my priority. It is not mine and my husbands purpose in life to exist to make my parents happy or run our lives on their schedule or desires. They can't live with it unless it is their terms so they got cut off until they learn to mind their own business and quit butting into stuff that isn't their business. This after several conversations to get them to back off but they would not. The end result was us moving 500 miles away and it was the BEST thing I ever did.
In my opinion, the brave thing would be not to run away from them but to check in from time to time, knowing how they are and you just letting it blow in one ear and out the next. They can't run your life unless you let them. There are many parents who do what you describe, but you can be firm with them and tell them it's none of their business rather than to completely sever ties for the things you cited here. These are annoying traits, true, but nothing so severe as to cut yourself off forever from them. Kind of heartless in this situation.
I think a lot of people who say their parents have problems are usually the ones with the problem. Every chick I have dated that severed ties with her parents, straight ****ed in the head, man. My mom still bugs the hell out of me at age 31, but I let her know where she stands as far as decision making.
you are what is called an adult. Kudos to you for handling the situation in such a way. Moms will be moms after all. Most mean no harm, it's just hard to turn off mom mode but thanks to adult children like you, a mom can be guided into knowing what her adult child wants.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tb4000
I think a lot of people who say their parents have problems are usually the ones with the problem. Every chick I have dated that severed ties with her parents, straight ****ed in the head, man. My mom still bugs the hell out of me at age 31, but I let her know where she stands as far as decision making.
Last edited by Élan vital; 06-02-2009 at 11:18 PM..
I totally agree Aylalou--tried to rep you but can't yet.
I tell ya, if any of these people had had a mother in law like I had, they would be kissing their mother or mother in laws feet.
My first mother-n-law was like Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond--except 100x magnified. The woman would come over, open my closet doors to make sure the clothing was hung correctly, inspect my housecleaning,tell me how to cook, etc, etc.............and ya know what? I never said one word bad to her or about her to my then husband. He knew what she was like but we didn't discuss her or talk bad about her. That's called respect. She finally wound down a bit after out first year of marriage and we visited her once a week. She still continued to be a very domineering mom and mother-n-law but it was once a week I had to put up with her. Big deal. Same with holidays--grin and bear it but ultimately respect and honor her place as his mother.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou
In my opinion, the brave thing would be not to run away from them but to check in from time to time, knowing how they are and you just letting it blow in one ear and out the next. They can't run your life unless you let them. There are many parents who do what you describe, but you can be firm with them and tell them it's none of their business rather than to completely sever ties for the things you cited here. These are annoying traits, true, but nothing so severe as to cut yourself off forever from them. Kind of heartless in this situation.
I broke off my relationships with my father (my parents divorced when I was still a small kid) at 25 , and I believe anybody would have done the same , given the high esteem (irony here, in fact he despised me) he had for me. Although the guy was a failure (but he had mastered the art of hiding it, especially in front of women) he enjoyed pushing my buttons all the time with nasty remarks :
- "I don't know why your grandfather made you study, you're not clever enough for that"
- "you've no girl friend ? go see some hooker [but don't ask me to pay for it]"
- " it's fortunate you didn't become a journalist [like me], because naive as you are in that profession of sharks, you would have been crushed"
- "look how you dress, you look like a bum"
- "our relationships will be what you'll do with them (?)"
- " you've got no talent"
- "your table manners are those of a peasant"
- "don't expect to inherit a dime"
etc etc
Once he screamed at me because I had brought some old furniture he got rid of thinking he was very generous to give it to me (as in fact he was stingy as a rat)to my live-in girlfriend's place.
Now I am not masochistic and this was the nail in the coffin.
I just cut short my relationships with my old man.No arguing. Just THE END.
He didn't call back either. That was nearly 30 years ago!
I haven't spoken to my Father in almost 20 years , we had a wonderful relationship until I was 14 then we I started to be become quite independent he became a control freak and I left home at 17 as soon as I could . We were on moderate speaking terms until I was 20 when he basically disowned me for not wanting to study to be a Doctor or Lawyer ( "Archaeology is a hobby darling , not a job!" and not marrying the guy he had lined up for me ( I come from an "old money" family) . I tried to keep in touch with him writing for almost 7 years after that but he never responded so I gave up.
My Parents divorced when I was 4 and my mother is a Witch with a big capital B. She is the most selfish, greedy, snobby and nasty creature I know and I was relieved when my parents divorced.
I have not seen her since I was 13 thank goodness but kept in vague contact with her for the sake of my Maternal Grand-Mother. My Grand-Ma died two years ago and my delightful progenitor in the customary style I am accustomed to from her stole my share of the inheritance ( which was huge) and was trying to blackmail me into keeping in contact with her . She also said some horrendously nasty things about my father and my Grand-Parents which I could never forgive her for.
She is a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I told her to go to hell and take her money with her.
People who are toxic should be discarded. I see it as cathartic and the only way to cleanse yourself of poisonous people .
Losing my parents is the best thing that could have happened to me. I am thoroughly releived not to have all the negative toxins in my life.
One can chose one's family, it is a question of saying "so long, auf-widersehen-good-bye" to them .
Why should anyone put up with this rubbish from anyone family or not ?
I was never any trouble as a teen for my Dad, I did not smoke, drink, sleep around , run wild etc... All I did was growing up to be a more independent human being who felt she had a right to her own mind( ironically something my father inculcated in me).
I still love my Father because I do have so many wonderful memories and he is deep down a good man but his stubborness and pride have got the better of him and we have both suffered for this.
MY Mother whom I was utterly indifferent until a couple of years back is now someone I despise and almost hate. But I try not to think about her because she is not worth it.
If she died tomorrow all I would feel is relief. I would go to my Father's funeral however.
In a way having parents like this has been good for me as it has made me a lot more indepedent and a lot stronger. I feel I have gained the strength to stand up for myself and to anyone.
I am not sure why having shed your parents /family should be seen as a red flag for some people entering into new relationships.
If anything I am a better person who being an "orphan". A lot less clingy and stronger.
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