Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I hate my dad as well...My dad has always been abusive to us kids and mom throughout the years. I'm 51 years old and need some advice. Dad and Mom had 8 kids. I have 3 brothers older than me and then my 4 sisters after me. When I was about 9 my mother had finally divorced dad after years of abuse. I have witnessed many time when he would beat her. He was just as mean to us kids.Once he picked her up and bashed her down on a coffee table and broke her hip in front of us kids. Dad had remarried and had another son. Mom just took care of us kids and there were many times when we had nothing to eat because dad never paid child support. He lived with his new wife and her 4 kids from a previous marriage. He made lots of money and his new family had everything. A few years later he divorced his second wife and begged my mom to take him back. Although he was still drinking non stop she took him back and they moved us all to another state. Dad brought his son from his second marriage to live with us and my mother took care of him as he grew up. (What a wonderful mother she was!!). Dad began beating on mom again and started cheating on her as well. She divorced him again and and he remarried another woman. After a few more years he divorced her and once again begged my mom to let him back, which she did. By this time I was in my 20's and married and left home. At about this time things seem better with him and mom and he stopped drinking although he continued to verbally abuse her. I had 3 kids myself and went thru tough times with my wife and divorced her after 16 years of marriage. That was 8 years ago and I continue to take care of my three kids. I vowed to never treat them like father treated us kids and I can honestly say I've done a fantastic job. My 3 kids are working and my 2 older ones have graduated from high school. My youngest is still in school and works partime every night after school. They don't drink, smoke or run around. I love my kids dearly and would do anything for them. Now comes the problems I face now...about 16 years ago my dad begged me to rent his rental home which is a few hundred feet from his own home. He told me someday the house would be mine. He has raised my rent several times through the years and I continued to pay. Because I knew the house would be mine someday and I would have had to pay elesewhere If I had choosen too. Anyway last year mom passed away and dad vowed that he would keep the family together and change his ways. This has NOT happened. Of his 9 kids only 3 of us help him out by going to his house and doing things for him.There are set times: I go every Thursday and Friday. I provide his dinner etc. While he is in his 70's he is still able to do things physically,he is by all means capable of taking care of himself, but he depends on us for everything. He expects us to be at his becon call whenever he wants. He has no respect for our lives and is so demanding of everything. Now for the things he does that make me hate him... My 3 kids have had learning disibilties growing up and he constantly calls them retarded and stupid. He will actually ask my youngest to read things he know he can't just to turn around and say you are so stupid! and humilliate him purposly. He has never once sent them a birthday card or bought them any kind of gift. In my 51 years of life he has never said happy birthday although he has a hissy fit if we forget his. He calls my daughter a ***** because at 19 I finally let her start to date and she now has a boyfriend. (i am proud of her, for not getting "in trouble" and waiting as long as she did...you can't ask for better)He make horrible statements to her like, "I know you masterbate, don't tell me you don't", or "I always thought you'd be the first to get knocked up". But the worst one was this past summer when my daughter was sitting next to me and told me she loved me and he said'You 2 must have something going on"!! Can you belive a father would say such horrible things. I do stand up to him, but it just turns into a big arguement and then he's all nice and then its all over for him, but not me. I can't let it go. He tries to turn my youngest son agaisnt me by saying things to him like.."your father ain't worth a ****", or "Your father never cared about your grandma" etc. I could go on and on about the horrible things he does. But its just not my kids, its all his grandkids. My niece is overweight and he has made the comment to me, "Now you tell me if you were dating her would you f**k her?..she is disgusting". Like I said earlier I live in his house and although one might say to just move away, I have spent 15 years here and paid him alot of money...I have remodeled this house and spent alot of my money fixing it up. He does nothing for this home as he's says its yours, you do whatever you want with it. my credit is ruined because of my ex wife and I just can't go find another place. He has this hold over me because of this house and I really dont know what I should do. I'm 51 now, and its kinda late for me to try and go elsewhere. Please advise me. I have left out a lot of other stuff, but belive me, while I beleive in God and try to live by his rules, I can't find it in me to ever be able to love this evil hateful man. By the way, the other 2 siblings that help take care of him feel the same. The others broke thier ties from him after mom passed away and have nothing to do with him.
leave.. you already know your not gonna get the house as promised .. ( down deep in your heeart you know this is true ) so why take the abuse .. move and get away from this toxic sob.. its not worth the hell your putting every one you love thru ..
Get something in writing about the house , like buy it on a "contract"
Your father is an abuser and a user that's the only way he knows how to interact with people. just treat him like an obnoxious five year old, If he hasn't been a father to you ,you have no obligation to be son to him.
Being a good ( great) father yourself is the only way to kill two birds with the same stone.
Last edited by thriftylefty; 09-29-2009 at 06:24 AM..
My father was a great man and reading this I'm thinking I had been blessed, though I was an a'hole of a son from time to time, throughout my youth. It's just my rebellious character which pushed him to his limits. He's passed away now and God bless his soul.
Having said that, a father like the one in the first message needs disciplining. If I were in your shoes and were in my teens or 20s, I'd have fractured his backbone He's not going to do this to my mom, and I'm not a scene "exit"er, I'd stay right there and discipline him into submission. I grew up in a culture where abuse is widespread.
But if you're 51 already and you can't move, then you stay right there, wear your horns and put him in his place. There's nothing he can do at his frail age of 70. It's not like he can drag you by the hair and lift your mom and break her hip (that was a disgusting stunt). You gotta treat him for the court jester, and give him the impression that his words are not having their intended effect of emotionally riling you up.
Your indifference will agitate him and he will try more, but over time he's gonna lose his hold.
I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your father. Were you ever blunt and straight forward with your dad? He had no right to say anything about your daughter...and that too such nasty things.
Imagine what your daughter must be going through after she hears her grand-dad say things like that to her.
If I were you, I would tell him sternly that my family is off his hands. On the other hand, since you have literally paid for that home, no point in leaving it.
Or, if you want to be REALLY tough, conspire with your daughter to accuse him of molestation. He is sent away, you have the house. Oh yeah, send him a bill for all the work you've done on the house. Then file a lien against it. If you have to move, you can use the money for a restart or maybe foreclose on him for the amount due.
The house is irrelevant. Your father is toxic. You know this. He is not healthy for you or your family. I think you still crave his approval and trust me on this, you will never get it.
You don't sound happy with the situation. If it is within your power to change it, please do so. I realize you are 51 years old and your children are teenage/young adults, but it's never too late to eliminate people from your life that are damaging. Just because he donated some chromosomes to you does not make him a father. He sounds like a beast.
Don't worry about words like "hate". If you find yourself worrying about other family members because of this situation, you should remove yourself from it. In time, if you are ready, you will forgive him. But your forgiveness is about YOU. It is not about him. Do not let him continue to wield power over you. That is exactly what he wants, because inside he is a coward. Only a coward beats and demeans other people.
That's the best I can give you, from personal and professional experience. Good luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He's not going to do this to my mom, and I'm not a scene "exit"er, I'd stay right there and discipline him into submission. I grew up in a culture where abuse is widespread.
