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I have peace in my heart because, I have given everything I could, to provide for my children's physical, mental, spiritual, and and emotional needs.
..... I've given all that I could possibly give, I felt ......., I find myself still running to their aid
..... I am ...., I feel ...... I,
."I cannot ...
if I go down, ....."
I need my health so that I can continue providing for them. But I also need for them to do their share of finding the wherewithal to become self-reliant and independent.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I might get at least one of my girls to be off on her own without needing for daddy to come to her continued rescue?
......
I welcome your advice and constructive criticisms.
Nah.
You don't want my advice.
You want me to tell you your doing great.
You are getting self satisfaction from this and every time they either stuff up or ask you for help, that little voice in your head confirms that they need you. They will never move on until you move on.
This is not intended as a personal attack. But we do need to be real here.
Nah.
You don't want my advice.
You want me to tell you your doing great.
You are getting self satisfaction from this and every time they either stuff up or ask you for help, that little voice in your head confirms that they need you. They will never move on until you move on.
This is not intended as a personal attack. But we do need to be real here.
I welcome all input, your's included. I completely disagree with your assessment.
I am a very self reliant person, as is my older sister. Our other siblings and step siblings are NOT. But we were "forced" to be, at a young age.
My parents (my dad and stepmom) coddle my step siblings and for awhile, my older sister. I am the youngest of the set. Sometimes, it does hurt, but mostly it's a source of pride for me. When I really need help, he helps though I don't go to him unless I HAVE to. Knowing that, he is VERY generous with us when we ask. And sometimes, when we don't - which is nice.
My father keeps a running tally of how much $$ each child has 'borrowed' but never paid back. I don't have a tally sheet. Apparently, needing $300 or so to get us through something or the other over the years doesn't rate with asking for hundreds (and sometimes thousands) every couple months.
A couple years ago, my father and stepmom sat my dh & I down to discuss the will. Now THAT was vindicating - but boy are my siblings going to be pissed! They are also always full of praise for me, which helps to not feel so much resentment too. Yes, they "play Santa" for all the nieces and nephews. But as my dad told us, he doesn't NEED to do that for our children. My stepmom loves that at Christmas, my kid's needs don't enter into her shopping - she just gets to buy them whatever toys/games they want or whatever strikes her fancy. But when shopping for the others (in larger quantities) she has to weigh what they NEED (backpacks, clothing, etc) against her budget first.
I would advise that however you do it, make it 'fair'. Keep in mind though that 'fair' and 'equal' are not synonomous - just because Suzy gets free room and board and Johnny doesn't need free room and board, doesn't mean he should get nothing. Maybe Johnny needs/wants a couple gift cards to take his wife out to dinner once in awhile.
Obviously, I'm speaking to all parents with this dilemma. But with all things to do with parenting, keep in mind my perspective - that of a grown child. Some parents may have actual techniques that they've tried - some you can learn from by example of what to do - but equally important are those that show you what HASN'T worked. And someone with a 35 year old kid, still living at home, may not know what works, but they surely know what DOESN'T!
Are they self reliant at all? Do they have jobs? Can they change a tire, balance a checkbook? Are we talking about young women who rely on you for everything?
The time to start teaching how to be self sufficient is when they are very young. You also have to teach them that they are either self sufficient or they are going to sink like rocks in the ocean of life because Daddy isn't going to bail them out.
Care to give any more details? Right now it sound like the whole family needs a Life Coach.
Are they self reliant at all? Do they have jobs? Can they change a tire, balance a checkbook? Are we talking about young women who rely on you for everything?
The time to start teaching how to be self sufficient is when they are very young. You also have to teach them that they are either self sufficient or they are going to sink like rocks in the ocean of life because Daddy isn't going to bail them out.
Care to give any more details? Right now it sound like the whole family needs a Life Coach.
I had to show I knew how to change a tire before I was allowed to get my license. (One of THOSE dad's, bless his heart.) You're driving out with me in a convertible on some lonely highway and we get a flat I have you out of there before the bad guys can smell a bad movie plot.
Now, paganmama, you have a WEALTH of other talents and coping skills. I'm trying to determine if these ladies can do anything more than order a Starbucks with the correct lingo.
"When do they become self-reliant?" When the bank closes and you love them enough to say, "NO."
Yep. This is what my parents did to me & my brother. When my brother was in his 20s, he called my parents & told him that all his items had been repossessed & that he had no money for food. My mom told him to go to a shelter & get food there. But not only get food there, but help serve the food, also. He is, now, 20yrs later, a self made millionaire.
My dh & his sister had a free access ATM all their lives. His sister now lives w/ his parents w/ her husband & kids & parents foot the bill. SHe is in her mid20s & has never held a job. My dh, in his 30s, is only now starting to understand the concept of saving, buying, and sharing after 8 years of my helping him develop these invaulable traits.
Bailing your kids out (under the OPs situation) is only hindering their growth.
Laura707, thank you for sharing the real life experiences of those you are familiar with. I've experienced this firsthand with my oldest child whom I've chosen to bail out of expensive auto repairs and poorly managed debts.
A "child" that has reached their twenties and is panicked to the point of saucer eyes when you explain that she needs to be independent is scary to me.
I changed one word of the above. The bolded one is mine.
Surprisingly, I agree with aixden. You sound like a martyr to me. That may not have been your intent, but I read it that way. You pointed out all these wonderful things that you did for them when in fact they really were not wonderful at all. They stunted the growth of your children to the point that they all live at home and expect daddy to come running whenever there is a crisis.
You owe it to your kids to teach them to be independent, not dependent. You've really put yourself in a bind here because you have trained them to come to you for bailouts and now you are taking the safety net that you put in place for them away.
You have to cut them off from everything but food and shelter and tell them it's time to grow up. You should also apologize to them for enabling them to become so dependent that they are frightened of going it on their own.
I had to show I knew how to change a tire before I was allowed to get my license. (One of THOSE dad's, bless his heart.) You're driving out with me in a convertible on some lonely highway and we get a flat I have you out of there before the bad guys can smell a bad movie plot.
Now, paganmama, you have a WEALTH of other talents and coping skills.
I think knowing how to change a tire is a vital urban survial skill that everyone who drives should know. AAA isn't always available, nor are family members. Sometimes you can't reach someone. I'd much rather change a tire than be stuck on the side of the road in an ice storm.
But I agree Peganmama has other talents. She strikes me as someone who is smart enough to figure out how to change a tire via reading the owner's manual if she is ever in a situation where someone else can't do it for her. I did that one time. I knew how to change a tire, but when I opened the trunk and saw the weird jack, I wasn't sure how to use it. I got the owner's manual out of the glove compartment and it all worked out just fine.
There are some people who are so impossibly dependent that they wouldn't even try to figure it out, no matter how desperate their situation. As a result, I still it's a good idea to learn how to change it regardless of ability to figure it out. The time spent reading the manual could be additional time spent in dangerously cold weather, etc.
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