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Hi,
I'm currently a new nanny for an 11 month old little boy. Prior to me coming, he was rocked to sleep and then put down--then when he woke up an hour later the previous nanny would rock him for another 30-60 minutes while he slept. Well...it stopped working because transferring him to the crib would wake him up. The parents told me they are supportive of whatever method I want to use, and I decided it would be best (at his age) to train him to fall asleep in his crib on his own. His parents also follow up with my methods at over the weekend for naps, but they have had similar issues (except at night, he sleeps in their bed.)
Just to clarify, I'm just talking about naps.
It took a while, but through letting him cry, figuring out his tired cues, and reassuring him that I still exist, he learned to fall asleep. The first few days he did pretty good, didn't cry as much, and eventually slept for about 45 minutes at a time.
However, it's been about a week, and I'm running into some trouble. He will get quiet after about 5 minutes, but then he will cry (sometimes loud, sometimes just wimpering) at like 3 minute intervals. I usually stay out of the room, because if I go in to reassure him, he gets louder. Whenever he gets quieter and then silent, I figure he's done...but then he starts up again, and again. I've stuck to his regular naptimes, morning and afternoon, but if he doesn't sleep for an hour, I just take him out and that's it...no naptime. Today that happened, so he never had a morning nap. He just about fell asleep at lunch, and was totally spaced out, so I know he was tired for an afternoon one, but he still did this for about 45 minutes before he eventually fell asleep.
Okay, details out of the way, what are some suggestions? I know he may be almost ready for just one nap, but I don't know if that will change the crying thing (after all, he did only have one nap today). I don't want to change my approach now...he's come a LOOOONG way from not being able to fall asleep in the crib or even quiet down at ALL). I don't know how to get him to fall asleep for good faster though. Ideas?
I found the Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child book to be very helpful in understanding sleep cycles/patterns/needs at various ages, and informative in navigating the nap transitions (three to two to one). It may be worth checking out from the local library to get some insight. Rome was not built in a day and it might take some time, especially if he is starting to need to take one long nap instead of two shorter ones. Good luck.
Given that things are rocky right now, I would go ahead and make the switch to just one nap in the early afternoon. You will have fatigue on your side and he may settle down more easily. You are clearly doing a lot of things right and I think your consistent approach is going to work out for both of you.
I know this doesn't really help to say, but I don't think sleeping in mom and dad's bed at night is helping the independent napping situation. If he is used to long slumbers while being snuggled in his parent's bed, it is probably difficult to sleep for a long stretch in his own crib. A short nap (30 - 90 minutes) may be all you can hope for.
I am making the assumption that you are watching him in his home? If he is used to sleeping with Mom and Dad, then his crib is a cold and lonely place for him. Are you able to put him down to sleep in Mom and Dad's bed? After all, that is where he is used to sleeping...
It sounds like cry-it-out is not really working for you. I mean, you may have gotten him to stop screaming, but that's just because his spirit is defeated. He has stopped crying because he has lost the trust that his caregiver will comfort him, but his underlying distress has not been calmed, and thus he continues to wimper to himself. And he's still not sleeping. So what have you gained from this? I say you've actually lost more than you've gained. I hope that you do not convince his parents to try this method at night too, because at this point he still can trust that they will take care of him.
My baby co-sleeps with me at night and she also goes to a home daycare where the other baby is also a co-sleeper. Most days they will lie on their cots and the daycare provider will pat their backs while they fall asleep, which is what they also do in many daycare centers at naptime. Sometimes she even rocks them if they are having a hard time. And there are days when she has taken them both to her bed and layed down with one on each shoulder until they fell asleep, which is a nice advantage of having a home care provider over a center. There are lots of ways of helping babies that age fall asleep that are gentle and loving, particularly when you only have one or two to care for (as opposed to a center). There is no big rush to have them fall asleep and stay asleep independently while isolated in a crib in a separate room. And if it's not a priority to the parents, I don't see why you should be the one to push it.
I am making the assumption that you are watching him in his home? If he is used to sleeping with Mom and Dad, then his crib is a cold and lonely place for him. Are you able to put him down to sleep in Mom and Dad's bed? After all, that is where he is used to sleeping...
Well, the point of the crib training is to get him used to his crib so he doesn't have to sleep in their bed forever
It sounds like cry-it-out is not really working for you. I mean, you may have gotten him to stop screaming, but that's just because his spirit is defeated. He has stopped crying because he has lost the trust that his caregiver will comfort him, but his underlying distress has not been calmed, and thus he continues to wimper to himself. And he's still not sleeping. So what have you gained from this? I say you've actually lost more than you've gained. I hope that you do not convince his parents to try this method at night too, because at this point he still can trust that they will take care of him.
My baby co-sleeps with me at night and she also goes to a home daycare where the other baby is also a co-sleeper. Most days they will lie on their cots and the daycare provider will pat their backs while they fall asleep, which is what they also do in many daycare centers at naptime. Sometimes she even rocks them if they are having a hard time. And there are days when she has taken them both to her bed and layed down with one on each shoulder until they fell asleep, which is a nice advantage of having a home care provider over a center. There are lots of ways of helping babies that age fall asleep that are gentle and loving, particularly when you only have one or two to care for (as opposed to a center). There is no big rush to have them fall asleep and stay asleep independently while isolated in a crib in a separate room. And if it's not a priority to the parents, I don't see why you should be the one to push it.
He isn't sleeping, you're right, some of the time. But he has fallen asleep several times, and sometimes within a few minutes. Just not sure why this doesn't happen everytime. And it's been less than two weeks, so what I have gained is a child that will at least quiet down in his crib. I wouldn't really have a problem comforting him to go to sleep...the problem is, he either doesn't fall asleep if he's already in his crib, or he wakes up when I put him in his crib.
The first few days I tried this, I stayed in the room so that he would build some trust that I wasn't leaving him. This didn't change anything.
Don't get me wrong, I am not coming in and trying to push sleep training on the child against the parents' views. They want to do this so that naptimes during the weekends save them some time.
I don't think he has lost trust that I will comfort him--in my opinion, he has figured out that I will not give in when he cries, and eventually should be able to soothe himself. He has started to do that by playing with some of his toys in his crib quietly, which he never did before. In addition, I believe he does trust me to take care of him...because I DO take care of him and give him everything he needs, but I believe that part of taking care is teaching a child to be able to do things on their own--and at almost a year old, I think he should be able to fall asleep on his own most of the time (I can back that up with a ton of research!). I know tons of people who have sleep trained their children (including myself and my brothers) and there never ended up being trust issues.
All in all, I know there are different methods and this one I'm choosing to use goes against co-sleeping. But, right now I'm just interested in getting tips on how to help the crib training. Thanks!
I have a 7 month old in my care who also co-sleeps at home and is breastfed. I can get him to sleep easier and for longer than mom/dad can at home, or so they say.
He naps in a pack n play in my daughter's bedroom, which has blinds and sheer curtains, so it is not really dark. There is street noise on occasion, so I make sure to have soft music playing before we walk in the room. If he needs to eat, then that is incorporated into the routine, but it works without him needing to eat.
Now I do have to say that I have learned to easily recognize when he is getting tired and it is key to start the routine before he crosses over into over tired.
So, first I sit down on the edge of my daughter's bed with him laying in my arms. His head is in the crook of my left arm and my right hand is somewhat under his bottom. I have a small blanket tucked around him so that his hands are not free to move much. (this irritates him sometimes but it doesn't usually last long)
Next I have one hand patting his back and the other patting his bottom, typically in tune with the music, louder at first then softening up as he relaxes. If he's really restless I will sing to him. If he is eating the bottle is tucked under my chin.
Unless he has gotten really upset, he will be asleep within 5 minutes and you can feel his little body fully relax.
I stand up slowly and gently turn him so that my right hand is now supporting his crotch and my left hand is supporting the side of his face....meaning I have turned him ready to lay on his stomach. (this is also key in getting him to sleep well, it has to be on his tummy)
I lower him into the pack n play and with very little movement am able to remove my hands. I cover him with a larger/heavier blanket. Then if he snuggles down, I get to leave him. If he whimpers, I pat both his back and bottom, once again starting out louder if needed and softening up as he relaxes.
If he was upset at the start, then it will take a bit longer and he may fight more against the loss of moving his hands, but the patting and singing will always win him over.
I don't walk away until I can see that his whole body has relaxed and there is no residual crying left.
If I catch him at the exact right time, all I have to do is the patting laying down and can skip the holding him in my arms.
So, the key things that worked for him were....tummy sleeping, patting with both hands, soft music to drown out the distracting noises and keeping his hands still until he relaxes.
He isn't sleeping, you're right, some of the time. But he has fallen asleep several times, and sometimes within a few minutes. Just not sure why this doesn't happen everytime. And it's been less than two weeks, so what I have gained is a child that will at least quiet down in his crib. I wouldn't really have a problem comforting him to go to sleep...the problem is, he either doesn't fall asleep if he's already in his crib, or he wakes up when I put him in his crib.
The first few days I tried this, I stayed in the room so that he would build some trust that I wasn't leaving him. This didn't change anything.
Don't get me wrong, I am not coming in and trying to push sleep training on the child against the parents' views. They want to do this so that naptimes during the weekends save them some time.
I don't think he has lost trust that I will comfort him--in my opinion, he has figured out that I will not give in when he cries, and eventually should be able to soothe himself. He has started to do that by playing with some of his toys in his crib quietly, which he never did before. In addition, I believe he does trust me to take care of him...because I DO take care of him and give him everything he needs, but I believe that part of taking care is teaching a child to be able to do things on their own--and at almost a year old, I think he should be able to fall asleep on his own most of the time (I can back that up with a ton of research!). I know tons of people who have sleep trained their children (including myself and my brothers) and there never ended up being trust issues.
All in all, I know there are different methods and this one I'm choosing to use goes against co-sleeping. But, right now I'm just interested in getting tips on how to help the crib training. Thanks!
I understand that you think that he *should* be able to sleep independently and that there is nothing wrong with sleep training. I am just saying that I disagree with that conclusion. I know that many people do sleep train successfully, but I don't think it is something that a baby *should* be able to do. It goes against everything in their instincts, which tell them to stay close to their parent/caregiver for safety. The baby doesn't know that he is safe from predators in his crib in his modern house. For all he knows, a lion is about to eat him and he needs to alert his caregiver to his location before that happens. Not literally of course, I'm just saying, there is an instinctual, biological reason why babies want to be held close and sleep better with a parent, and that to say that a baby of that age *should* sleep independently flies in the face of this biological instinct. It's not that independent sleeping and "self-soothing" will never come, it is just that they do not need to be priorities at this age. You are ascribing to this baby the intention to manipulate you by crying, and I just don't agree that that's what it's all about. I am just trying to say that there are other ways of looking at it besides the outlook you have, and that this sleep training really doesn't have to be such a struggle right now. You are saying you have X problem, how can you solve it. I am saying, X really doesn't have to be viewed as a problem at all and it's totally typical. You may have a ton of research supporting independent sleeping, but there is also a ton of research on the other side too. It's only a problem because you see it that way. That's what I'm saying.
The reason that I said that you don't need to be the one to push sleep training, is because you already said that his parents co-sleep and his last nanny rocked him. So it sounds to me like you are the one coming in with the goal of sleep training. Maybe the parents are going along with it because it's what you want as the caregiver, but I got the feeling that they were not the ones initiating this process.
I understand that you think that he *should* be able to sleep independently and that there is nothing wrong with sleep training. I am just saying that I disagree with that conclusion. I know that many people do sleep train successfully, but I don't think it is something that a baby *should* be able to do. It goes against everything in their instincts, which tell them to stay close to their parent/caregiver for safety. The baby doesn't know that he is safe from predators in his crib in his modern house. For all he knows, a lion is about to eat him and he needs to alert his caregiver to his location before that happens. Not literally of course, I'm just saying, there is an instinctual, biological reason why babies want to be held close and sleep better with a parent, and that to say that a baby of that age *should* sleep independently flies in the face of this biological instinct. It's not that independent sleeping and "self-soothing" will never come, it is just that they do not need to be priorities at this age. You are ascribing to this baby the intention to manipulate you by crying, and I just don't agree that that's what it's all about. I am just trying to say that there are other ways of looking at it besides the outlook you have, and that this sleep training really doesn't have to be such a struggle right now. You are saying you have X problem, how can you solve it. I am saying, X really doesn't have to be viewed as a problem at all and it's totally typical. You may have a ton of research supporting independent sleeping, but there is also a ton of research on the other side too. It's only a problem because you see it that way. That's what I'm saying.
The reason that I said that you don't need to be the one to push sleep training, is because you already said that his parents co-sleep and his last nanny rocked him. So it sounds to me like you are the one coming in with the goal of sleep training. Maybe the parents are going along with it because it's what you want as the caregiver, but I got the feeling that they were not the ones initiating this process.
I don't find it unreasonable that at nearly a year a child shouldn't be able to fall asleep on his/her own. They are biologically able to do so from 5 months. With an appropriate ritual that is consistent each and every time, along with a security object, many children sleep on their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong or debilitating by sleep training. When you train your kid to ride a bike, they fall and they're going to scream. But sooner or later they gain confidence and they ride. No different than instilling confidence in them to learn to sleep on their own. You're correct in that the OP and the parents are obviously on two different pages/parenting styles and it's sending all sorts of mixed signals to the infant. That is why all the AP parents out there should just go and get themselves AP caregivers so that it's better for all parties.
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