19 yr old son - no motivation (games, parent, chores, activities)
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My son, just completed 1st year of college. He went out of state, did very poorly. We are waiting to see if the school puts him on probation or not- the school is expensive and I hate paying for it if he is not putting the effort into it. He loves it there and wants to go back - part of me wants to say "no, go to the local community college" but the other part of me wants him to figure this out on his own- if the school puts him on probabtion and he does not meet their requirments next semester, then it is on him. Part of me feels like he needs to understand that HE is the one making these choices now, not me. He is smart and able to do the course work, he is just lazy. I can not seem to motivate him. He would prefer to stay in his room and watch tv or play video games. I am lost...I have no idea how to motivate him.
He tells me what "I want to hear" and then I find out later - it was all lies. He has been doing this for years. I am so lost right now, I have no idea what to do.
He did work in the past - but being home for summer break, it is hard to find a job. I am trying to encourage him to look but I do not see much motivation in him.
He will be going to summer school here soon, Monday thru Thurs from 8 am to 4pm. I will feel better once he starts as it willl be something for him to do and a positive.
He is lazy and tries to find the "short cut" in everything he does. The other day - he asked me if friends could come over, I said yes. When they did not arrive, I asked him "why"...He told me "We are going some place else cause I do not want to clean up after they leave". OMG !!!
I have given him chores around the house to do until summer school starts and he will do them...I see some growth in him but NOT much
Take away the T.V. and Video games. He may be 19 years old but he is still living in your house. If he wants to act like a child then treat him like one.
No motivation to work? Try signing him up to volunteer at a local senior center, hospice care or animal rescue. It doesn't pay anything monetarily, but it might help him to grow emotionally, give him some direction and maybe even encourage him to look into a new career.
Don't do his laundry, don't clean up after him. Let him do his OWN cleaning, even his dishes.
Charge him rent. He actually sounds a lot like me, when I was his age. I'm kicking myself in the ass right now for not doing well in school and having no motivation when I was younger. I decided to return to community college when I was 24. I had just moved out and was about to get married. I was lucky and had a decent job but that job was the reason I decided to head back to school. I saw my coworkers and how well they were doing and I knew I got lucky with the job and would ultimately need a degree to advance my career.
I agree, charge him rent, don't give him money for going out etc. It's pretty hard to do anything without a little cash. Even the simplest activities are taken away from you. You also might show him what types of jobs he will be able to get without a college education. These usually involve "you want fries with that?" or "thankyou for shopping at <insert name of big box store here>"
If he has access to a car then don't give him gas money. Make him walk more.
The rule in my family (and with my kids when they come of age) is you either have a job, pay rent and do chores, or you are in school and not failing or borderline failing. If you cant do one of those - OUT YOU GO.
I would not pay for any more school. Go take him to sign up for military, Americorps, or take him to job service in your town, to get help looking for work.
Time for him to grow up. Enabling kids is not helping them grow up.
My son, just completed 1st year of college. He went out of state, did very poorly. We are waiting to see if the school puts him on probation or not- the school is expensive and I hate paying for it if he is not putting the effort into it. He loves it there and wants to go back - part of me wants to say "no, go to the local community college" but the other part of me wants him to figure this out on his own- if the school puts him on probabtion and he does not meet their requirments next semester, then it is on him. Part of me feels like he needs to understand that HE is the one making these choices now, not me. He is smart and able to do the course work, he is just lazy. I can not seem to motivate him. He would prefer to stay in his room and watch tv or play video games. I am lost...I have no idea how to motivate him.
He tells me what "I want to hear" and then I find out later - it was all lies. He has been doing this for years. I am so lost right now, I have no idea what to do.
He did work in the past - but being home for summer break, it is hard to find a job. I am trying to encourage him to look but I do not see much motivation in him.
He will be going to summer school here soon, Monday thru Thurs from 8 am to 4pm. I will feel better once he starts as it willl be something for him to do and a positive.
He is lazy and tries to find the "short cut" in everything he does. The other day - he asked me if friends could come over, I said yes. When they did not arrive, I asked him "why"...He told me "We are going some place else cause I do not want to clean up after they leave". OMG !!!
I have given him chores around the house to do until summer school starts and he will do them...I see some growth in him but NOT much
Any advice?
I wouldn't write off college just yet. My middle son didn't do great his first year, although the 1st semester grades were decent, 2nd were pretty awful. We sat him down and told him he had one sophomore semester to show us he belonged at college. If we weren't happy with his grades at the Christmas break, he was not going back. We also told him no money for "do-overs". If he failed a class needed for his degree, he would have to take out a loan to retake it.
When he came home this summer he realized very quickly that he would be sitting home without gas money or entertainment unless he got a job and funded it. He found one part-time position, enough to keep his gas tank filled, but not much else. Now he is working for a neighbor doing odd jobs.
When that runs out he will again be stuck unless he gets moving. But, I will not bail him out, and I keep reminding him he will regret not having spending money next year at school.
All we can do is say what we mean, and mean what we say, and hope the message sinks in.
But, a LOT of kids screw up freshman year. It doesn't necessarily mean they can't turn around.
I would not pay for any more school. Go take him to sign up for military, Americorps, or take him to job service in your town, to get help looking for work.
Time for him to grow up. Enabling kids is not helping them grow up.
Yep. I agree.
The only thing you might do if you just can't get yourself to revoke the tuition is to tell him the next year is to be paid for by him and once he's demonstrated that he's serious and has the grades to prove it, you will resume covering his tuition. Then let him get a loan, work and go part time, or whatever it takes to show he plans on following through.
You are paying for college. And Sonny Jim doesn't have a job. Sonny Jim's just sittin' around playing video games and watching the tube. What a life!
One that doesn't exist on my planet. I'd point him towards the vacuum and the lawn mower and introduce him to the Pledge. The house better shine like a new penny or the TV and the video games disappear. Pronto. So does college if he doesn't apply himself.
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