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My in- laws have watched my kids in the past and I had a reunion coming up in 5 months so I asked my in laws if they would fly out to watch my children for 4 days. My favorite professor was retiring and my department was holding their first ever reunion. I hadn't been back to the college in 20 years and they had events planned all weekend.
My in-laws Said yes. They have watched our kids for 2-5 nights about three times in the past. They bought their tickets 4 months in advance- quicker than I did - and they got a great deal. They were planning on spending their usual 2 weeks with us and we would go away in the middle so our entire family could also spend time together. A week before the trip my mother in law called and said my father in law was too busy. She said she would like to come out but she can't watch my kids alone. I asked what he was busy with ( he retired a couple years ago ) and she said he was busy around the house.
I told her to talk to him, he made a commitment and we already had flight tickets and everything booked. She said he's too busy and won't come. My husband spoke to her and said this was t an ordinary trip that we could go to ever again - it's a really special reunion. She said she could come out without him for just the days we were out of town ( previously they had booked a long trip with us so we could all spend time together) but she didn't really want to.
I wanted to go to my reunion and didnt want to lose all the money I spent so I asked a few friends to take my kids and they agreed. I told my mother in law and she was really happy that she didnt have to watch my kids alone and said " how about grandpa and I fly out in a few months and you two can go away on a vacation, we'll watch the kids". I told her we can think about it in a few months but.... I don't want to take her up on it.
-First because we can't afford it because we spent money on hotel and plane tix to the reunion,
-second, I want to spend time with my kids after I've been away,
-third, I'm scared they'll cancel on me last minute!!!
I know I'm lucky to have in laws who offer to help out so much and they have watched my kids in the past. But, I feel like if you tell someone you'll do something you should do it unless you have a medical emergency which he doesn't have. I'm not that mad at my mother in law because she said it wasn't up to her. I A mad at my father in law.
My questions are:
1) what do I tell my kids who were looking forward to grandparents visit. Is it ok to tell them grandpa was too busy and had to cancel?
2) how often do I have to agree to let them visit? We visit them about 1-2x/ year - they invite us.
I could understand being upset if they agreed. That is pretty crappy. But it sounds like something else was going on. Maybe FIL was sick and they didn't want to share that? Maybe your kids are a handful and they had major second thoughts? Lots of potential reasons. It's too bad they don't feel comfortable sharing the real reason they backed out.
I am glad you found someone to watch them so you could go. When I have had business in another place, I go on care.com and find a sitter in that area and take my kids. Then I have the sitter show them the sights and I attend to my business...even if it is a lot of hours. It does add up, cost wise. But we don't have people who would take our kids for any length of time (don't have much in the way of family or long time friends who could do it).
I'd just tell your kids grandma and grandpa had something come up and they cant make it, but they will see them soon.
As for visiting...let things settle a bit. Anger might wear off...hopefully it does and you guys can move past this. But I wouldn't ask them to watch the kids alone...not even send them. Something is up that they don't feel fully able to be honest with you about their ability or desire to babysit for a period of time.
I agree. Something is going on. The fact she felt forced to come for a few days and did not want to seems to tell me she did not want to be away from her husband.
Give it some time and have your husband talk to his father. It could be something as simple as he sprained his ankle falling and does not want to admit he needs help thru airports or as critical as being in the middle of a diagnosis for a serious illness.
I agree. Something is going on. The fact she felt forced to come for a few days and did not want to seems to tell me she did not want to be away from her husband.
Give it some time and have your husband talk to his father. It could be something as simple as he sprained his ankle falling and does not want to admit he needs help thru airports or as critical as being in the middle of a diagnosis for a serious illness.
I agree that there is "more to the story". Whether your in laws are just too old to handle your children, or your children are too "out of control" and they are afraid to tell you or their finances are bad and FIL had to get a job to help with expenses or there are health needs that they are not sharing with you, or something else, you do not know.
You would be surprised how many far away parents do not share even very serious health information with their adult children. And, most/many parents do not share ongoing, but potentially serious information, because they do not want to worry their children and because you are so far away hat you can not help them in any way.
So please wait before you say something to your in-laws that you will regret in the future.
Please post back when you have more information.
BTW, you do know that you are extremely, extremely lucky to have in-laws who will fly out and babysit for you? I'm almost 65 years old and I can not think of even one friend, co-worker, or relative who had grandparents who were both willing and able to provide that service.
I agree that there is "more to the story". Whether your in laws are just too old to handle your children, or your children are too "out of control" and they are afraid to tell you or their finances are bad and FIL had to get a job to help with expenses or there are health needs that they are not sharing with you.
You would be surprised how many far away parents do not share even very serious health information with their adult children. And, most/many parents do not share ongoing, but potentially serious information, because they do not want to worry their children and because you are so far away hat you can not help them in any way..
Very true. It took a long time for my dad to tell me how ill he has been because he didn't want me to get involved. I am sure in his mind, he is the adult and I am the kid and he doesn't want to be in a situation where I am taking care of him.
Come to think of it, my in laws are like that as well. My MIL stopped visiting and finally on our last trip there, she was honest that she wasn't able to travel because of her health. I think it was pride, not telling us. She would make excuses that seemed weak, but I did assume something more was going on and she didn't want to share it.
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My questions are:
1) what do I tell my kids who were looking forward to grandparents visit. Is it ok to tell them grandpa was too busy and had to cancel?
2) how often do I have to agree to let them visit? We visit them about 1-2x/ year - they invite us.
From what you've written, your in-laws have paid their way to come watch your children in the past? And this time, because they canceled, you want to know if you can throw grandpa under the bus, and limit visits in the future? No, to both.
I understand your disappointment, and annoyance at having to scramble for childcare. But going forward you need to accept that watching small children for several days would exhaust many grandparents, and it seems as though your in-laws came to that conclusion belatedly.
Allow your children to continue having a close relationship with the grands, and look elsewhere for childcare in the future.
How old are your kids? I would be annoyed and wouldn't take them up on the offer to come in the future just so you guys can go away. I would be afraid they would cancel again as well.
I don't think it's throwing grandpa under the bus if she tells the kids he's to busy. That's the reason given. If it's not true then don't lie. If he is sick or something else is going on then they could have given a different reason then he's to busy around the house.
I wouldn't keep the kids from them or anything but I wouldn't plan any more trips and count on them as sitters.
I agree with the others that something else is up.
Be forgiving, recognize that this was an extraordinary child care situation, and work on figuring out something else for future child care needs.
DO NOT try to cast the grandparents in a negative light for this with your kids. When you are your in-laws' age, you will understand why stepping in and taking on a full-time parent role for two kids (after having to fly there) can be a HUGE undertaking.
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