Best way to deal with a child that lashes out in anger when being disciplined (method, punishment)
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I have a daughter, age 3.5 years, that if she doesn't get her way, she gets mad and sometimes screams at the top of her lungs. She does this in retaliation for being disciplined. Her screams are ear piercing.
When disciplined, it's usually either being put in the corner (time out) or I confiscate something of hers. Just yesterday afternoon I told her to finish up eating her chips because it was time for her nap. (she needs naps or she'll keep us up all night long) She procrastinated and finally after 5 minutes of her playing instead of eating, I took away her chips (which were really just a few crumbs in the bag by then). That's when she lost it.
When I was a child back in the 1980's if I ever acted this way, I would be flogged with a leather belt like a slave. That was enough to put the fear of God in me to not retaliate against my parents.
However I know in this day and age, it would mean losing my child, so I'm not about to go there.
I'm tempted to ignore my daughter when she lashes out and let her scream her head off. I figure she's starving for attention, and if I ignore her, then she will come to realize that screaming does nothing, not even gaining negative attention.
I have a daughter, age 3.5 years, that if she doesn't get her way, she gets mad and sometimes screams at the top of her lungs. She does this in retaliation for being disciplined. Her screams are ear piercing.
When disciplined, it's usually either being put in the corner (time out) or I confiscate something of hers. Just yesterday afternoon I told her to finish up eating her chips because it was time for her nap. (she needs naps or she'll keep us up all night long) She procrastinated and finally after 5 minutes of her playing instead of eating, I took away her chips (which were really just a few crumbs in the bag by then). That's when she lost it.
When I was a child back in the 1980's if I ever acted this way, I would be flogged with a leather belt like a slave. That was enough to put the fear of God in me to not retaliate against my parents.
However I know in this day and age, it would mean losing my child, so I'm not about to go there.
I'm tempted to ignore my daughter when she lashes out and let her scream her head off. I figure she's starving for attention, and if I ignore her, then she will come to realize that screaming does nothing, not even gaining negative attention.
Good idea? Or is there a better idea?
right. that is why i dont believe in the time out crap.
i would grab her by the arm, and pinch her till her tantrum stopped, trust me, after a few times of this, she will learn.
When she screams, plop her in a room by herself and let her scream til her heart's content. Shut the door, turn on some music, go somewhere you don't have to listen to it. When she decides to come out the room, explain to her that that behavior is not okay and she will not get what she wants until she can ask and act nicely.
BTW, if possible, DON'T use her bedroom, with toys and games, as her quiet down place. Find a room where she has nothing to do but sit there and scream. She'll want to knock it off real quick.
I have a daughter, age 3.5 years, that if she doesn't get her way, she gets mad and sometimes screams at the top of her lungs. She does this in retaliation for being disciplined. Her screams are ear piercing.
When disciplined, it's usually either being put in the corner (time out) or I confiscate something of hers. Just yesterday afternoon I told her to finish up eating her chips because it was time for her nap. (she needs naps or she'll keep us up all night long) She procrastinated and finally after 5 minutes of her playing instead of eating, I took away her chips (which were really just a few crumbs in the bag by then). That's when she lost it.
When I was a child back in the 1980's if I ever acted this way, I would be flogged with a leather belt like a slave. That was enough to put the fear of God in me to not retaliate against my parents.
However I know in this day and age, it would mean losing my child, so I'm not about to go there.
I'm tempted to ignore my daughter when she lashes out and let her scream her head off. I figure she's starving for attention, and if I ignore her, then she will come to realize that screaming does nothing, not even gaining negative attention.
Good idea? Or is there a better idea?
You are doing just fine, and I commend you for doing things your own way and not like your parents. Just keep on ignoring her. She will eventually grow up. Sounds like she has a real sense of injustice already and is voicing her outrage. When she is being sweet later in the day, try having a chat with her and tell her how much better it would be if she could "tell" you how she is feeling rather than scream. Tell her it's okay to say, "I am really angry right now". Good luck.
i would grab her by the arm, and pinch her till her tantrum stopped, trust me, after a few times of this, she will learn.
Yes, she will learn--to pinch. I almost guarantee that if you start doing that with a three-year-old she will start pinching other people when she is mad. That is what you would have taught her. After you are around kids for awhile, you will see that sort of thing all the time--kids mimicking their parents "discipline" techniques.
I also applaud the OP for trying to take a different approach to parenting. As others have said, you can just let your daughter cry. If she has a fit before a nap, she is tired, and she may cry herself to sleep. If she is really stubborn though, she may scream for a long time. If it is pretty long, you could check in on her at some point and try to talk to her or hold her. One of my kids would not calm down until I eventually came in her room.
If you are in the mood for it, you also can surprise your daughter by having your own pretend tantrum. I often was able to calm down tantrums by copying my kids' fits (with some bad acting!). They are shocked when you act this way. Sometimes making light of the situation really works. You may end up having a daughter who is alternating between laughing and crying, which as a parent can be funny. I had a hard time not chuckling when my kids did that.
All three of my kids went through stages where being punished or told no resulted in a tantrum. The WORST thing you can do, IMO, is respond to it anyway whether it is to punish more or try to console them. The BEST thing you can do is simply ignore them and act like it isn't happening. Once they calm down, then the punishment for the original offense (if that's what triggered it) begins.
With my middle child, she would do the whole screaming, crying, rolling around on the floor bit whenever she was punished for something she did (time out or having something taken away) or was told no and denied something she wanted. If we were in public, we would simply pick her up and take her back to the car or outside. At home, we just ignored her and went about our day. It's amusing the moment you realize that for the most part it is a total act. Say my daughter wanted a cookie and I said no. She would throw herself on the floor and scream and cry. I would just ignore her and go about whatever I was doing. When she realized I was no longer standing there listening to her, she would stop throwing the fit, find me and then throw herself back down on the floor crying again. After a while she got the point that it didn't do anything.
The only time I may feed into it a little is when they are doing that out of total frustration over something, but you usually see that more in 2 year olds. In that case, I would help diffuse the situation and show them how to conquer what was frustrating them.
Again, the worst thing you can do is react in anyway to the tantrum.
And, if the neighbors hear the screaming? I am old school. Time-out doesn't work. At 3 1/2 years old, she is old enough to understand that screaming is not acceptable and all unacceptable behaviors have consequences which do not have to be physical although I am one that supports a swat on the butt and no, my kids did not grow up to hit other people which is such a ridiculous notion in the first place. Undisciplined children grow up and hit/disrespect others. Screaming is not acceptable and she needs to learn this. Obviously, anyone is going to be bothered by a screaming child and worse yet if you walk away and she follows you and puts on another show so trying to just pretend it doesn't bother you is going to be next to impossible. Does she do this in public?
And, if the neighbors hear the screaming? I am old school. Time-out doesn't work. At 3 1/2 years old, she is old enough to understand that screaming is not acceptable and all unacceptable behaviors have consequences which do not have to be physical although I am one that supports a swat on the butt and no, my kids did not grow up to hit other people which is such a ridiculous notion in the first place. Undisciplined children grow up and hit/disrespect others. Screaming is not acceptable and she needs to learn this. Obviously, anyone is going to be bothered by a screaming child and worse yet if you walk away and she follows you and puts on another show so trying to just pretend it doesn't bother you is going to be next to impossible. Does she do this in public?
I agree, so while she is screaming, having a tantrum, she will get pinched, so then there is a reason to scream, and until the tantrum stops, she gets pinched. simple as that.
BTW, my sons did get pinched, that is MY method, my house, my rule...my boys never pinched other children.
I'm tempted to ignore my daughter when she lashes out and let her scream her head off. I figure she's starving for attention, and if I ignore her, then she will come to realize that screaming does nothing, not even gaining negative attention.
Good idea? Or is there a better idea?
If the function or purpose of throwing the tantrum is to get your attention, then yes, ignoring it should stop the tantrum behavior. She will learn "if I tantrum, I get ignored" and over time, will stop tantrumming. It may take a little while of you consistently ignoring each and every tantrum before you see them stop (and there's a possibility she will escalate the screaming when you first start ignoring her - don't attend to it, and it will fall off quickly on its own). Be forewarned that you cannot give in and attend to the tantrum after you start ignoring it, otherwise what she will learn is "I need to tantrum for X amount of time before they pay attention to me" which will just make the tantrums worse.
I agree with Uncle Goat, that when in a public place, take the tantrumming child immediately to the car. Also, after she has calmed down (but never mid-tantrum), you can talk to her about other ways to deal with feeling angry. You'll also want to look for ways to praise or reinforce her when she copes effectively without screaming.
Last edited by eastwesteastagain; 04-16-2012 at 01:29 PM..
So what, maybe they do. If they have a problem, they can come and talk to me. What if the neighbors hear the screaming, call the police and the cops show up and the kid has a giant handprint on them because mom or dad lost their cool?
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I am old school.
That phrase has so many different meanings and not all of them are a positive reflection on a person. Nothing wrong with being a little old school when it comes to certain things, but people evolve and times change.
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Time-out doesn't work.
It does...for certain kids in certain circumstances. See, this is the problem with being 'old school'. Old school assumes there is only one correct method for dealing with any given situation and that is the one that is 'old school'. Why limit yourself to what may very well be an ineffective method?
In some circumstances, at some ages, time outs were very effective with my kids. I'm not someone who believes a 'spank' is universally wrong, but it is reserved only for moments when it is absolutely appropriate and confers a natural consequence to an action. Some will argue that it's never appropriate, but that's a whole different thread. Basically, I don't believe that a 'swat' is a magic cureall for all behavior issues even if it may be effective in stopping the behavior at the moment its happening.
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At 3 1/2 years old, she is old enough to understand that screaming is not acceptable and all unacceptable behaviors have consequences which do not have to be physical although I am one that supports a swat on the butt and no, my kids did not grow up to hit other people which is such a ridiculous notion in the first place. Undisciplined children grow up and hit/disrespect others.
It all comes down to why she thinks screaming works and is a good solution to her situation. I don't discount the intelligence of three year olds, but sometimes feeding into the situation just makes it worse and reinforces it as a valid strategy for the kid to try.
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Screaming is not acceptable and she needs to learn this. Obviously, anyone is going to be bothered by a screaming child and worse yet if you walk away and she follows you and puts on another show so trying to just pretend it doesn't bother you is going to be next to impossible. Does she do this in public?
It's not next to impossible, I've done it with all three kids and it quickly broke the behavior. I'll fully admit different strokes for different folks and it may not work for every kid; but for all three of mine, who each require different discipline methods, it worked. I'd like to say it's easy, but you're absolutely right that it can really grate on your nerves listening to the screaming.
The key lesson here isn't that screaming is unacceptable, sometimes it certainly is acceptable. The key is that we don't scream and throw tantrums to get what we want and in many cases what the child wants at that moment is more attention or to throw mom/dad off their game. Responding to the screaming in any way, shape or form is basically playing into their hand. Sure smacking them may make them stop, but they also really aren't learning anything from it.
Discipline revolves around natural consequences. The natural consequence of throwing a fit and screaming isn't getting hit, it's getting ignored and not getting what you want.
When it happens in public it's all about why it's happening and where you are at. In most circumstances it tends to revolve around the kid wanting to stay longer or having something and you are telling them no. In that case, you apologize and excuse yourself and take the screaming kid out of the situation. If they are screaming because they don't want to be there at all, that's a little tougher, but no one should be subjected to your kid screaming just to prove a point. In that case, they will get what they want, which is to not go, but then there should be another consequence to that particular behavior having denied mom/dad the opportunity to do what they had planned.
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