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That is just wanting him to be the son you want, the one with manners. He is 20, not a little kid, and he clearly isn't one of those members of his generation that have them. Nothing she can do about that. Again, he is 20.
To the op, txqueen is right. Be glad you don't know. Realize that the lack of phone calls means he is independent. It's the time in his life when he will start to reap what he sows. Some 20 year olds check in with mom all the time, some don't. Usually the ones who do are having a hard time, need advice a lot or need direction because they have none. Some are just really nice kids sure but some can't see to their own direction. Calling mom a lot isn't always a good sign.
I have a 19 year old and they gradually talk less and less to parents and more and more to their friends, even when they live with you. Growing up is a process, he isn't abnormal. It's a hard time for parents, I agree but why don't you just tell him how you feel. That you miss him and would like to talk to him more, even if it isn't about anything important. Tell him this is hard for you.
I wouldn't attach his response to the gifts though. It's your choice to give something. You aren't a stranger he may feel he doesn't need to respond to every time you send a gift. You are his mom, you both have an unspoken knowledge of thanks and love each other. I wouldn't worry about the gift basket response. You miss him, you need more convo, just tell him that. Write a snail mail letter if you have to.
EXACTLY.
The ones who check in all the time are the ones who need the most help, usually.
If I never checked in with my mom from time to time, she would assume I had gotten my own place and didn't need anything, yet since I still call her every day, she's aware I still live at home and still need her.
You know, I forgot to add, he might just have a girlfriend. 20 year olds with girlfriends don't check in as much. lol
Girls tend to keep in touch with their moms more.
In my opinion..it is absolutely avoidance. The question is why. I have a few thoughts on what the reason could be.
1. Hiding something...could he have discovered something about himself that is not accepted by mainstream society? Possibly exploring bisexuality..or homosexuality? Something he may want to keep from you...
2. Ignoring you... He knows not having a job and only one class a semester is pretty much slacking. If he senses your disapproval or disappointment..he may feel the need to limit contact.
3. He's angry at you. After reminders for brothers bday and no call..do you think it was intended as more of a slight to you than his brother? Does he feel like you show favoritsm? Can you think of any reason he would be mad at you?
In my opinion..it is absolutely avoidance. The question is why. I have a few thoughts on what the reason could be.
1. Hiding something...could he have discovered something about himself that is not accepted by mainstream society? Possibly exploring bisexuality..or homosexuality? Something he may want to keep from you...
I don't think he's hiding anything. I already know he's bisexual. I was the first person he came out to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Pajama mama~
2. Ignoring you... He knows not having a job and only one class a semester is pretty much slacking. If he senses your disapproval or disappointment..he may feel the need to limit contact.
This was his birth father's theory. This kid is crazy-smart and I'm sure I had high expectations for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Pajama mama~
3. He's angry at you. After reminders for brothers bday and no call..do you think it was intended as more of a slight to you than his brother? Does he feel like you show favoritsm? Can you think of any reason he would be mad at you?
He swears up and down that he's not mad at me. He just keeps telling me he is an airhead flake. I respond that this is a conscious choice of his and a cop-out.
Last edited by JustJulia; 03-08-2012 at 12:40 PM..
Reason: fixed your html tags
When he tells you he's an airhead flake does he feel bad about it?
Does he say, "Aw Mom! I'm sorry I missed your birthday and I feel horrible. I'm such an airhead flake."?
Yeah, he does feel bad about it.
Also, I looked up when I texted him about his brother's birthday. It was that same day about 2 in the afternoon. He could have just called in a few hours.
This was his birth father's theory. This kid is crazy-smart and I'm sure I had high expectations for him.
He swears up and down that he's not mad at me. He just keeps telling me he is an airhead flake. I respond that this is a conscious choice of his and a cop-out.
I'm inclined to think it's a combo of 2 and 3. It seems he is rebelling against all your expectations. He isn't doing as is expected in school/career. He doesn't respond to expectations to stay in touch with family..especially on important dates. You would expect some form of acknowledgement for the goody packages you're sending him..he denies you this. He is being passive aggressive. If it were me..I would back off. Stop the packages. Make the occasional phone call to check on him..and wait for him to reach out to you when he is ready. What a tough spot for a Mom to be in..your in my thoughts.
Last edited by JustJulia; 03-08-2012 at 12:40 PM..
I don't normally start threads on here, but I was so impressed with the great responses in the "15 yr old" thread that I am hopeful about getting some great advice.
My son moved to LA two years ago and now lives with his birth father. He has been going to junior college one semester a year (why? I don't know). He still has never had a job and still hasn't learned to drive. I'm trying to let go and like txtqueen said, let him be an adult, but it's really hard.
My main issue with him is the lack of communication. I've been sending a care package every month with usually a book, a gift card, a shirt, maybe some cookies etc. I also try to call, text or email once a week. He never answers the phone and almost NEVER returns the call/email/text. He says he doesn't have any animosity, he just doesn't get around to it. I tell myself not to take it personally because my sisters and in-laws have the same problem.
I'm worried that he is going to alienate people this way. Maybe he has always been like this, but when he lived with me I didn't see it.
Should I stop the care packages? I don't want to because it would seem petty like I have to bribe him to stay in touch.
Hey, you're sending the care packages out of love and consideration, right? I'm sorry, he's being rude and inconsiderate. I'd definitely stop the care packages until he got some manners. Seriously. He doesn't answer, almost never returns your texts, calls or emails. Take it personally. Believe me, when you don't send his next care package, he's going to realize what it feels like to be "out of sight, out of mind". It's time to give your dear son a bit of a reality check. "This, honey, is what it feels like to be ignored." Give that boy a lesson in "empathy". Good luck and be strong.
Edit: Oh....your sisters and inlaws should take it personally, too! Some of these kids forget all about common courtesy, unless someone fails to be courteous to them. Let's face it, when someone does something nice for you, even if it's your parents or siblings...it's plain old good manners to let them know you appreciate their efforts.
Have you ever asked him to text you?
To respond when he gives you the package?
Have you ever asked him to call you to say thank you?
Maybe like someone else said he just sees it as something nice done for him and it doesn't cross his mind.
I would say the OP should make her feelings known, her son can't know exactly how she feels unless she comes right out and tells him.
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