Wife and Mama Drama how to handle- Need advice. (party, infant, support)
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[SIZE=3]Wife and Mom have been going back and forth now for three years. My wife and I are a younger couple with a two year old. My mom and dad live across the country and my wife’s parents live in the same city as us. The tension between my mom and wife has created a situation where my wife doesn’t want to visit and my wife has made it uncomfortable on my parents visiting. We have gone back to visit 1 time in almost two years. I’ve given up on my wife and mom being pals but I am bummed out that my daughter doesn’t and probably will not get to interact much with my family as we spend every holiday with her family. I’m not asking for 3 to 4 visits a year- a holiday and summer visit would be nice. We got Skype to remedy this a bit. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]My mom spoke up about an upcoming three day visit she was going to make- apparently my wife told her that my mother in law would be there the first day because the baby didn’t know my mom well and would be uncomfortable if her mom or my wife wasn’t there. This crushed my mom and my mom spoke up about it and it started a fight where barbs went back and forth. My mom is no angel and my wife is firm- so Type A met Type A. Anyway I was put in the middle and received advice to take my wife’s side although deep down I feel my wife is unreasonable with all this. Now we have a summer party to go to back at my parents place and my wife refuses to go and is not comfortable with me taking the baby. My parents are bummed. My mom has received a lot of support from friends and family on this so now my wife thinks it is her against the world back there. My mom seems more willing to bury things than my wife. They both need to grow up, but I can’t fault my mom for wanting to see her grandchild. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]And I just want our daughter to know my parents, grandparents and brothers better. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=3]Advice is appreciated. [/SIZE]
Unless your mother has been somehow abusive or there is a fear that she could be, I think your wife needs to lighten up. If your wife doesn't want to go, I think you should visit your parents and take your daughter.
I normally think a husband should "side with" his wife, not his mother, but it doesn't sound like your wife has any reasonable grounds to try to keep your daughter away from her grandparents. When you say your wife doesn't want you to take "the baby" I picture an infant. A 2 year old is not a baby.
Why wouldn't your wife or you be there during your mother's visit? Having the MIL there sounds almost cruel. She gets regular contact with your child, and would begrudge the other grandmother 3 days? I think you need to take a vacation day, or at least a morning to let your mother and child get a chance to feel comfortable with each other. Leave the MIL out, and if necessary, your wife too.
Kibbie is right, your wife is unreasonable. That means you have to step up if you want your daughter to have a relationship with your family. I admit to having pretty strong feelings on this, since my DIL is pregnant, and lives close to her parents while we are 7 hours away. I am not the type to get into a p*ssing contest with her mother though. I will depend on my son to make the effort to have the baby
know we exist.
Hubby and I have experienced something sort of similar. Only I didn't have a problem with his mom - my MIL. I had a problem with his brother - my BIL - who still lived at home with his mom. I didn't want to go over for visits because he had guns laying around the house and that made me VERY nervous because we had kids. The house was also FILTHY because she wasn't able to clean (health issues) and he refused to. And regardless of what my husband or I said or tried to do to try to fix the situation, he (BIL) didn't care. Nothing changed. SO...
I think the best you can do, is just worry about yourself and your own behavior. Tell your wife that you love her and whatever she decides to do is fine with you. You will love her regardless.
Tell your mom the same thing. You love her and will visit as often as you can. And tell her that you are not responsible for your wife, she is her own person and makes her own decisions. You might assume your mom already knows this, but she will love to hear you say this.
The drama is between your wife and your mom which puts you in the middle - unless you take yourself out of it. Love and respect them both, but don't respond to the drama. If your wife brings up the drama, just listen and shrug your shoulders and say something like, "I don't know sweetie, it's up to you..."
You and the kids can still visit your parents. And you should!
(I'd just like to say, too, before anyone attacks me... that I did go clean MIL's house many times... only to have it go right back into a horrid mess a week or two later because of BIL...)
Wife and Mom had a fight over the phone 6 months ago.
Mom doesn't want an apology.
I think my wife expects one- yet she probably won't be okay with things anyway.
Don't know the details of the conversation. My mother expected some time with the baby, my wife made conditions I guess. My mom is normal, she raised three kids I'm fine leaving our child with her. I was kind of shocked that my MIL didn't speak up and tell my wife- what's the deal. When our child was born my wife made it a point to bascially tell them (my mom and dad) she didn't want them there right away- so they complied and came a month after she was born. I was upset by this- thought things had simmered down and then a year later the fight over the phone happened- when my mom planned a visit. I'm sure my mom brought up that. My mom is pretty straightforward- my wife can be sensitive about things, but I don't know the exact details of what was said because I'm hearing two different things.
I am curious why you think this? I hope this question reads right... I am genuinely interested, I am not trying to be snarky or whatever.
It depends on the situation, of course, but adult children leave the nest and form their own family. His wife and child are his family now. Parents/grandparents are secondary. Still family, but not the people he chose to make his adult life with.
Wife and Mom had a fight over the phone 6 months ago.
Mom doesn't want an apology.
I think my wife expects one- yet she probably won't be okay with things anyway.
Don't know the details of the conversation. My mother expected some time with the baby, my wife made conditions I guess. My mom is normal, she raised three kids I'm fine leaving our child with her. I was kind of shocked that my MIL didn't speak up and tell my wife- what's the deal. When our child was born my wife made it a point to bascially tell them (my mom and dad) she didn't want them there right away- so they complied and came a month after she was born. I was upset by this- thought things had simmered down and then a year later the fight over the phone happened- when my mom planned a visit. I'm sure my mom brought up that. My mom is pretty straightforward- my wife can be sensitive about things, but I don't know the exact details of what was said because I'm hearing two different things.
I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. My MIL and I are not exactly 2 peas in a pod, but I've never tried to keep the kids away from her. I wonder what, exactly your wife is afraid of or what kind of conditions she put on the visit.
I am curious why you think this? I hope this question reads right... I am genuinely interested, I am not trying to be snarky or whatever.
That's easy, you live with your wife not your mom. Well, usually.
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And you should! 
