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I had a similar situation with my MIL. We are very different and both strong personalities. When I got pregnant, I began to push back (not intentionally) against what I thought were her attempts to control me and my pregnancy. It created a LOT of stress for my husband.
In this case, the wife is really taking advantage of the situation with her parents living in town. She is naturally more comfortable with her parents, and completely not putting herself in the shoes of her in-laws. They also are her child's grandparents.
She needs to understand that one day she probably will be a MIL.
It's hard, though. When it happened to me, it was almost biological, like some mama bear reaction. It still colors my relationship with my MIL nearly 20 years later. But the wife needs to be a grown-up. The "baby" role is already taken.
I don't think it's a battle for power over the husband. I think the wife is trying to prove that she is in charge of her child, not the MIL. That's why she doesn't want him to take the "baby" on the trip without her. She won't be there to control how to in-laws interact with the grandchild.
Would couples therapy be a kinder more subtle way to make these suggestions (again I'm sounding soft)
That's not soft at all, IMO. I think that's a great idea.
Actually, I wasn't going to say anything, but I was wondering if your wife might be suffering PPD and that could be some of the trouble. I think therapy is a wonderful thing and could totally help this situation. Good for you for thinking of it.
I'm getting responses that I expected hear. I know I have been a pushover. I think she is being selfish too. I feel terrible for my parents.
"Does your MIL arrange her time with her daughter and grandchild through you?" No she doesn't- and I think its great my daughter has grandparents close to us. I have expressed that to them and I've been the bigger man when my MIL makes obscure parenting suggestions and listening to her viewpoint of the male role in child raising (like being the gopher- taking trips to the store the first six months) My wife's mom ran her family- completely different dynamic the way I was raised. If I challenged her point of view she'd probably crumble and my wife would hate it and it would do no good.
Would couples therapy be a kinder more subtle way to make these suggestions (again I'm sounding soft) I would have to think an MFT would see this point of view.
If your wife is still unwilling to "allow" you to take your child to visit your parents, then I think marriage counseling is in order. I wouldn't advocate taking a child out of state against the mother's wishes, but you'd need to get to the bottom of your wife's reason for not wanting you to take your child.
I don't think it's a battle for power over the husband. I think the wife is trying to prove that she is in charge of her child, not the MIL. That's why she doesn't want him to take the "baby" on the trip without her. She won't be there to control how to in-laws interact with the grandchild.
It could be a lot of things... it could be that his wife just wanted to be left alone with her babies and didn't feel like sharing them yet.
I know after my babies were born I sort of went recluse for a bit. And I didn't like anyone else touching or caring for my babies. It was really hard. Everybody is different. Some mothers are like, YES please take them so I can pee and have a shower! lol Others, like me, would hand the baby over, crying, because they knew they needed to pee and shower and live life but it actually, physically, and emotionally hurts to let go of your baby at first. It really wasn't until my babies were around 2 or 3 months old that it got easier. And even then I was never more than an arm's distance away for quite a long time.
I'm getting responses that I expected hear. I know I have been a pushover. I think she is being selfish too. I feel terrible for my parents.
"Does your MIL arrange her time with her daughter and grandchild through you?" No she doesn't- and I think its great my daughter has grandparents close to us. I have expressed that to them and I've been the bigger man when my MIL makes obscure parenting suggestions and listening to her viewpoint of the male role in child raising (like being the gopher- taking trips to the store the first six months) My wife's mom ran her family- completely different dynamic the way I was raised. If I challenged her point of view she'd probably crumble and my wife would hate it and it would do no good.
Would couples therapy be a kinder more subtle way to make these suggestions (again I'm sounding soft) I would have to think an MFT would see this point of view.
Couples therapy sounds like a decent idea. I *wonder* if your wife is moving in the direction of running the family as her Mom did. If so, then you could save yourself a lot of heartache by nipping that in the bud early. Twenty years of appeasing your wife only to look around and say hey wait what happened is something I have seen all too many times in the various marriage boards I have participated in. It is usually very destructive.
A guys viewpoint...I would have my parents visit and I would take my children to visit my parents. I would let my wife know that I really wanted her to come on the visit to my parents and would be sad if she didn't, but it is really important for me to have my children know my parents. When parents visit, I would also let my wife know that my parents being with my child is the number one priority while they are in town, since they are in town so infrequently. Further, I would say that your MIL should not come over for the first few hours your parents are with your child, so your parents and child can get familiar.
Even if your mom is difficult, your wife is really making me angry and sad...extremely selfish, while hurting the child and your marriage, in my point of view.
Yes!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Va-Cat
Here is a woman's point of view who is probably closer to your mom's age than to yours. I'll be a bit blunt here but I think you need to hear it.
You need to grow a pair and stop allowing your wife to treat your parents like second class citizens. They are also your child's grandparents and should be allowed to see their grandchild without conditions. You need to tell your wife that whatever the fight was about, she needs to get over it. You have said your mom is normal and no threat you your child. Well you need to convey that to your wife. She is beyond unreasonable and has gone into manipulative childish behavior.
Your parents are the only ones you will ever have in this life. Don't let your wife dictate how you will interact with them!
Yes!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
I had a similar situation with my MIL. We are very different and both strong personalities. When I got pregnant, I began to push back (not intentionally) against what I thought were her attempts to control me and my pregnancy. It created a LOT of stress for my husband.
In this case, the wife is really taking advantage of the situation with her parents living in town. She is naturally more comfortable with her parents, and completely not putting herself in the shoes of her in-laws. They also are her child's grandparents.
She needs to understand that one day she probably will be a MIL.
It's hard, though. When it happened to me, it was almost biological, like some mama bear reaction. It still colors my relationship with my MIL nearly 20 years later. But the wife needs to be a grown-up. The "baby" role is already taken.
And Yes! again. DILs need to recognize that the paternal parents are just as valid grandparents as the maternal ones are. Possibly even a bit more, as that is where the surname comes from.
"Actually, I wasn't going to say anything, but I was wondering if your wife might be suffering PPD"
I mentioned that when our daughter was a couple months old and it didn't go over too well. I've tried my best to avoid conflict, but have ultimately created more conflict in the long run. This situation is bad because now it is no longer just spilling over to me its affecting my parents, brothers, etc. and my daughter is getting older.
It could be a lot of things... it could be that his wife just wanted to be left alone with her babies and didn't feel like sharing them yet.
I know after my babies were born I sort of went recluse for a bit. And I didn't like anyone else touching or caring for my babies. It was really hard. Everybody is different. Some mothers are like, YES please take them so I can pee and have a shower! lol Others, like me, would hand the baby over, crying, because they knew they needed to pee and shower and live life but it actually, physically, and emotionally hurts to let go of your baby at first. It really wasn't until my babies were around 2 or 3 months old that it got easier. And even then I was never more than an arm's distance away for quite a long time.
But the OP's child is 2 years old, not a "baby".
I think the issue comes down to respect for one's spouse. If the wife loves her husband, and recognizes he is a good man, then the parents deserve some credit for raising him. if the wife can't respect the in-laws, then she isn't respecting her own husband.
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