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It depends on the situation, of course, but adult children leave the nest and form their own family. His wife and child are his family now. Parents/grandparents are secondary. Still family, but not the people he chose to make his adult life with.
Oh OK, thanks for explaining that. That makes sense, though I am not sure how I feel about it.
Now, I am wondering how it is on the flipside. That is, once the kids have become adults, married, and moved-on, and made you secondary in their lives.... do the parents who are now secondary then place their kids secondary, and refocus their priorities?
The boat is sinking - a man can save his wife or his mother. He would save his wife? Because his mother was made secondary when he became married?
The boat is sinking - a woman can save her grown married adult child or her husband. She would save... her husband?
This is curious.
The OP, fortunately for him though, in this situation doesn't need to do anything. He can have relationships with both his wife and his mother. He just needs to diffuse and defer their drama and static that goes between the two women.
Get a babysitter to watch your child and go talk to your wife about why the problems with your mom. Suggest if she would be willing to talk to your mom BEFORE the Summer party. Perhaps like you said it's just Type A vs Type A and better communication can fix any issues. Yes, you should side to your wife as long as it's something reasonable that you agree with. If you don't then it's not working at all.
I would think both your wife and your mom need to losen up. If there isn't a good reason why your wife doesn't want your kid around her, then take your kids to visit their grandparents.
It's probably late to ask this question...but did they get along before you got married?
A lot of people think they are only marrying one person, but in reality you are marrying the entire family. Try to resolve this. Your kid will certainly notice if there is friction between them. Also, make sure they are not talking badly about the other so that your child doesn't take sides...it's not his battle to fight.
A guys viewpoint...I would have my parents visit and I would take my children to visit my parents. I would let my wife know that I really wanted her to come on the visit to my parents and would be sad if she didn't, but it is really important for me to have my children know my parents. When parents visit, I would also let my wife know that my parents being with my child is the number one priority while they are in town, since they are in town so infrequently. Further, I would say that your MIL should not come over for the first few hours your parents are with your child, so your parents and child can get familiar.
Even if your mom is difficult, your wife is really making me angry and sad...extremely selfish, while hurting the child and your marriage, in my point of view.
Oh OK, thanks for explaining that. That makes sense, though I am not sure how I feel about it.
Now, I am wondering how it is on the flipside. That is, once the kids have become adults, married, and moved-on, and made you secondary in their lives.... do the parents who are now secondary then place their kids secondary, and refocus their priorities?
The boat is sinking - a man can save his wife or his mother. He would save his wife? Because his mother was made secondary when he became married?
The boat is sinking - a woman can save her grown married adult child or her husband. She would save... her husband?
This is curious.
The OP, fortunately for him though, in this situation doesn't need to do anything. He can have relationships with both his wife and his mother. He just needs to diffuse and defer their drama and static that goes between the two women.
It is complicated. I have 2 boys, so I will someday be "the MIL." I hope and pray that my relationship with my DIL will be mostly drama-free.
I think even when your kids become adults, they are still a top priority for you, but I think it is important to have other things to focus on too. I'm not there yet, but I hope when my kids are adults and decide to spend a holiday with their in-laws, I will be able to honestly be fine with that, and take a trip, or something with my husband.
When I had kids, my parents would have bent over backward to help in any way they could. But they had also just retired, and wanted to travel. They helped when they were home, but also took off on vacations anywhere from 1 week to 6 weeks. They certainly have a life outside of their adult kids and grand kids. I think that's healthy.
A guys viewpoint...I would have my parents visit and I would take my children to visit my parents. I would let my wife know that I really wanted her to come on the visit to my parents and would be sad if she didn't, but it is really important for me to have my children know my parents. When parents visit, I would also let my wife know that my parents being with my child is the number one priority while they are in town, since they are in town so infrequently. Further, I would say that your MIL should not come over for the first few hours your parents are with your child, so your parents and child can get familiar.
Even if your mom is difficult, your wife is really making me angry and sad...extremely selfish, while hurting the child and your marriage, in my point of view.
I love this post.
I think you should go with the baby and your wife can decide to stay home or go with you. When your parents arrange to come and visit have them do it through you - not your wife. Then they can't fight over it and you won't be left wondering what really went on in the conversation. Your wife also will not be able to put ridiculous restrictions on the visit that way. Does your MIL arrange her time with her daughter and grandchild through you? You should be the contact person with your parents.
Your wife would not let you push HER mother out of your lives. You shouldn't let her do it to yours either.
Here is a woman's point of view who is probably closer to your mom's age than to yours. I'll be a bit blunt here but I think you need to hear it.
You need to grow a pair and stop allowing your wife to treat your parents like second class citizens. They are also your child's grandparents and should be allowed to see their grandchild without conditions. You need to tell your wife that whatever the fight was about, she needs to get over it. You have said your mom is normal and no threat you your child. Well you need to convey that to your wife. She is beyond unreasonable and has gone into manipulative childish behavior.
Your parents are the only ones you will ever have in this life. Don't let your wife dictate how you will interact with them!
this may be over simplifying it, but the way I see it, you are going to visit your parents and you are taking your daughter. Your wife can choose to go, or choose not to go. She will have to decide what is more important - being there to over see the visit, or holding a grudge against your mom.
Here is a woman's point of view who is probably closer to your mom's age than to yours. I'll be a bit blunt here but I think you need to hear it.
You need to grow a pair and stop allowing your wife to treat your parents like second class citizens. They are also your child's grandparents and should be allowed to see their grandchild without conditions. You need to tell your wife that whatever the fight was about, she needs to get over it. You have said you mom is normal and no threat you your child. Well you need to convey that to your wife. She is beyond unreasonable and has gone into manipulative childish behavior.
Your parents are the only ones you will ever have in this life. Don't let your wife dictate how you will interact with them!
Couldn't have said any better. Sounds like wifey has control over you too. You better get a grip on it or it will get worse as time goes by.
Here is a woman's point of view who is probably closer to your mom's age than to yours. I'll be a bit blunt here but I think you need to hear it.
You need to grow a pair and stop allowing your wife to treat your parents like second class citizens. They are also your child's grandparents and should be allowed to see their grandchild without conditions. You need to tell your wife that whatever the fight was about, she needs to get over it. You have said you mom is normal and no threat you your child. Well you need to convey that to your wife. She is beyond unreasonable and has gone into manipulative childish behavior.
Your parents are the only ones you will ever have in this life. Don't let your wife dictate how you will interact with them!
I agree with this BUT, soften it by listening to her gripes in the vein of finding solutions.
I'm getting responses that I expected hear. I know I have been a pushover. I think she is being selfish too. I feel terrible for my parents.
"Does your MIL arrange her time with her daughter and grandchild through you?" No she doesn't- and I think its great my daughter has grandparents close to us. I have expressed that to them and I've been the bigger man when my MIL makes obscure parenting suggestions and listening to her viewpoint of the male role in child raising (like being the gopher- taking trips to the store the first six months) My wife's mom ran her family- completely different dynamic the way I was raised. If I challenged her point of view she'd probably crumble and my wife would hate it and it would do no good.
Would couples therapy be a kinder more subtle way to make these suggestions (again I'm sounding soft) I would have to think an MFT would see this point of view.
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