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He can be endagering his grandmother. What if he has a debt and the people show up at grandma's house to collect? I realize he's 19 y/o "adult" but if it's her house it should be her rules. If she does nothing as much as she may love her grandson she's an enabler of his drug use.
What a lot of people don't realize is that this is a family disease, not individual. Is anyone in the family going to counseling with him? Where the other family members who were addicts also counseled?
He can be endagering his grandmother. What if he has a debt and the people show up at grandma's house to collect? I realize he's 19 y/o "adult" but if it's her house it should be her rules. If she does nothing as much as she may love her grandson she's an enabler of his drug use.
What a lot of people don't realize is that this is a family disease, not individual. Is anyone in the family going to counseling with him? Where the other family members who were addicts also counseled?
In that case, the boy's father needs to be pro-active in protecting the grandmother (the father's mother). The OP already said the grandmother wants nothing to do with her, won't return phone calls.
It is definitely sad when a family is mired in some toxic mush... but it doesn't help when there's obvious enablings going on.
He can be endagering his grandmother. What if he has a debt and the people show up at grandma's house to collect? I realize he's 19 y/o "adult" but if it's her house it should be her rules. If she does nothing as much as she may love her grandson she's an enabler of his drug use.
What a lot of people don't realize is that this is a family disease, not individual. Is anyone in the family going to counseling with him? Where the other family members who were addicts also counseled?
OMG, whatever. "Her house, her rules" big deal she can set down all the rules she wants in her house but that doesn't change what he does outside of it. Doesn't sound like he does this IN the home and she can't have solid proof of what goes on outside of the house.
And the family instinct to help someone out no matter what they do trumps the ability to kick them out if they don't listen to some rules. Spoken word means nothing, written word means nothing, people still have the ability to do whatever no matter what someone writes down or tells them what to do.
I am not saying that his behavior is acceptable, I'm just saying you're off your rocker if you think "my house, my rules" is the end all be all force that controls adults outside of the house.
I've been in your son's situation. My parents were really worried about me too. I can't say I was in quite a deep as your son but I really did have my fair share of problems. Just know that people do clean themselves up, and it takes family support, at the same time it does also take tough love. My parents weren't there to bail me out of my problems, if I messed up, I had to clean up my mess. They didn't pay my misdemeanors, they didn't pay for my problems. If I got in trouble, I had to work my butt off to pay for that stuff or I was going to go to jail.
They did sit me down and tell me they were always behind me and that they believed in me and knew that I was going to be just fine and successful. They made sure I knew I was a smart kid that was f*cking up, and well, I believed it and realized my problems.
Now I'm doing good I'm glad my parents were tough on me, I wouldn't have learned otherwise, but at the same time they never did give up on me. There's a huge difference between abandoning your son and being an enabler.
He's had an array of self-inflicted problems since he was 15 and he began using drugs. (MJ then xanax then, and now, DXM) His bio father has an addiction history (past-drugs and current-etoh), also paternal uncle (drugs/etoh) and grandmother (etoh).
Son was in rehab for 5 mos(mandated by court) back in 2010 and just finished 12wks of drug classes(mandated by court). He has several felony charges (all from under age 18 but one). The one after 18 that has stuck and which he is on probation for, is battery to EMS. He was drugged up on DXM and Xanax that night and EMS was called to check his medical stability, as he was slurring and talking to a tree. When he was told he was going to the hospital, he tried to run and they held him down, causing one of them to get an abrasion when he fought. Hence, the charge.
In Feb, he was virtually GIVEN a free car. Someone in the family passed. He was given that persons car which was in mint condition. Since Feb, he somehow caused several dents in the car (front and back) and needed 2 new rims & one new tire as he must have driven up on some curb causing the damage. All since Feb 2012.
He has risky behavior. He recently fought 2 guys while at a 'friends' house who apparently tried to steal another friends wallet (a different friend, one who travelled there with him). He had to get 4 staples to his head when he was walking away and they threw a rock at his head. He did not tell me about this, I found from a post he put on FB about how he got his staples removed! When I called him and semi-freaked out on him about how dangerous it was what he did, (those guys could've had a gun or knife) he defended his actions and said he had to 'take care of' his friend whose wallet was being taken.
He chooses to keep these friends who are not really his friends, he thinks they are. They all have the same risky behavior....so he keeps them. He can't keep a girlfriend because they can't handle him. One of them was recently talking to me and she told me she found a bottle of cough syrup in his car. (DXM)
Late last week, he totalled the car. He is FINE. Thank GOD.
The week before the accident, he FINALLY got a job and a few days before the accident, he was at the local college finding out what he needs to do to start in the fall. Then the accident.
I am so sad for him. And I am angry at him. But there is nothing I can do for him. He is very stubborn. He has always REFUSED to go to NA. I had him to numerous counselors, one was very good. He refused to followup.
We have talked and talked with him until we can talk no more. He must be ok with this life. He is a very intelligent person. Very handsome person. Was in advanced classes. Now, he acts like a ghetto, risk-taking 19yo with the emotional maturity of a 15yo due to the drugs.
Even with the recent car incident, last night he was out risk taking. He butt-dialed me at around 1am. I could hear one of his friends and him talking for about 2 minutes. They were flicking a lighter and I believe they were out in some woods because I heard them talking about some of the trees and how some were SO thin and tall. Then, I heard my son say something like 'I'm fixing to go and climb up that tree!'
My son is living with his paternal grandmother. She has minimal to no, control over him. We live 9hrs away. His father is several states away....My son is stuck where he is due to another year of probation, plus he wouldn't leave his friends anyway. His dad tried to get him to move to the other state with him, offered to get the probation moved, son refused.
I fear now that he is going to lose (or has already) his brand new job. He is now car-less. Had a free like brand new car (to him) one day and now NONE-it's gone. How will he go to college now?
Apparently, this is NOT his bottom.....with the conversation that I overheard just last night.
I spoke with him last Wed when he was at the college meeting with someone re: signing up. I believe the accident happened on Thurs. His grandmother is not very nice to me and won't talk to me. Only an occasional text or email with minimal information so I am clueless pretty much. I get most of my information about him from him (this is occasional and MINIMAL), his FB page posts and a secret friend that will talk to me once in awhile, a girl that used to like him.
NOW, SINCE THE ACCIDENT, MY SON WONT ANSWER MY CALLS, I AM SURE HE DOES NOT WANT TO FACE ME AFTER TOTALLING A CAR THAT CAME FROM MY FAMILY MEMBER WHO PASSED ON.
I am so sad, so sad, so sad. I just want him to be happy....
I too am so sorry to hear this. If this were my son, all I can say is U would do ANYTHING!
I would move if I needed to do so, if he was financially dependent on you, he'd have to go.
I would give him NOTHING - other than food or shelter unless he complies with your rules.
Many people might disagree with this, but I would NOT focus on drugs or rehab. Drugs are a symptom of what is wrong, NOT THE PROBLEM.
I WOULD take away ANYTHING that you have given him, ANYTHING, and have him EARN it back.
Did HE buy the car? No is my guess. So he has no car. Cell phone? NO!
Computer ? NOPE! Access to internet? NO WAY!
Take away the things that YOU provided, and continue to provide, until he is willing to change.
He is 19 years old and he is in a very dangerous place. You are NOT his friend. Don't worry about how he feels about you now.
Be concerned about saving your son. He is in there somewhere.
Good thoughts and prayers sent your way, Twowolves.
OMG, whatever. "Her house, her rules" big deal she can set down all the rules she wants in her house but that doesn't change what he does outside of it. Doesn't sound like he does this IN the home and she can't have solid proof of what goes on outside of the house.
And the family instinct to help someone out no matter what they do trumps the ability to kick them out if they don't listen to some rules. Spoken word means nothing, written word means nothing, people still have the ability to do whatever no matter what someone writes down or tells them what to do.
I am not saying that his behavior is acceptable, I'm just saying you're off your rocker if you think "my house, my rules" is the end all be all force that controls adults outside of the house.
Fair enough. All of us obviously come from different backgrounds, different experiences.
What I'm trying to refer to is if my kid (who is not an adult yet) were to have "issues" that I don't agree with in or outside my house they would not be welcome at my place. I they were doing something illegal I will surely try to help but never will I be an enabler. I would probably be the first to call the police on them.
In my family the abuse is not drugs, but alcohol (sometimes worse!) and it pains me to see some adults still enabling the addicts. The enablers are sort of adicts themselves (in a different way). I go visit whenever I can but I keep my distance from all that mess. Sometimes they don't want to be helped, sometimes they do.
OP I hope you can get through to your son or keep a close eye and be there when it's time to help him get up once he realizes his path is a dead end.
First, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Anyone who provides financial support to him is enabling him. Many people need to hit rock bottom before they see the need to change and try to climb out of the hole they're in. Keep telling him that if he needs help you're there but do not enable his behavior. You can't fix this. He has to fix this but, as has already been pointed out, he won't fix it until he is ready to fix it. Remember that these are his choices.
Get yourself into a support group. I found al-anon very helpful. You need to be with others who are where you are. You need to understand that you are not the cause of this nor can you fix it. It's out of your hands.
I've been in your son's situation. My parents were really worried about me too. I can't say I was in quite a deep as your son but I really did have my fair share of problems. Just know that people do clean themselves up, and it takes family support, at the same time it does also take tough love. My parents weren't there to bail me out of my problems, if I messed up, I had to clean up my mess. They didn't pay my misdemeanors, they didn't pay for my problems. If I got in trouble, I had to work my butt off to pay for that stuff or I was going to go to jail.
They did sit me down and tell me they were always behind me and that they believed in me and knew that I was going to be just fine and successful. They made sure I knew I was a smart kid that was f*cking up, and well, I believed it and realized my problems.
Now I'm doing good
I know this is off-topic, I apologize - I wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU!!! I went through my share of, uh, issues, & have been clean for years. But I will never, ever stop feeling guilty for what I put my parents through.
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09
I'm glad my parents were tough on me, I wouldn't have learned otherwise, but at the same time they never did give up on me.
It takes a mature person to recognize, admit, and appreciate this. You should be very proud of yourself! (And thankful to those folks of yours )
Quote:
Originally Posted by burgler09
There's a huge difference between abandoning your son and being an enabler.
^ well said, and 100% correct
To the OP: I'm sorry you are going through this, my thoughts are with you. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't As much as it sucks, your son just really does have to want it for himself. In the meantime, (as others have mentioned) how about some counseling/support for you? It can't hurt, might help. At the very least, you will realize you aren't alone...
Truth is, he's too old to be 'formed' into correct behaviors now. Only a significant emotional event will have a chance of changing him. He's got to hit bottom on his own....make sure you protect other family members and minimize the collateral damage.
One thing self-destructive people are good at is dragging others down with them. Don't let it happen.
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I'm glad my parents were tough on me, I wouldn't have learned otherwise, but at the same time they never did give up on me. There's a huge difference between abandoning your son and being an enabler.
. Then, I heard my son say something like 'I'm fixing to go and climb up that tree!' 
& have been clean for years. But I will never, ever stop feeling guilty for what I put my parents through. 
)
