So, he went in front of judge a few wks back and was sentenced to stay in jail until mid-August. At that time, when he is released, he is DONE with probation which was supposed to go until another year. He'll be free in every way. Kinda scary.
I put $ into the phone acct so he could call me as the grammy emailed me that he asked that I do this. I waited about a week as I was not ready to speak with him for fear of not knowing what to say to him, and not knowing what his demeanor would be.
We've been talking for about a week. He's called me like every other day and the calls last about 10+ minutes. At first, he was pleasant enough to me. And I kept it 'light'. He told me he's reading a lot. I asked about the Bible and he said he was reading that along with some 'book on philosophy', that he found....which he's big into.
In one of those calls, he mentioned coming 'here' with us when he gets out. We are 9hrs from where he is and has wanted to stay, up until this incarceration. Now, he seems willing to leave his old 'friends'. 'Here' is actually, would be the best place for someone in his shoes. There is no addiction or alcoholism here like there is at 'Grammys' and with the 'Father' who also lives in a completely different state now. So, it'd be get out in August and go back to Grammy who's an alcoholic pretty much (not a nasty or problematic one but she just drinks 'cocktails' every afternoon into the evening.). Go to the Dad's new place of residence (probably 15hrs away from the Grammy) where the Dad is an alcoholic (yes, sometimes a nasty one and he is single and likes to go to bars and pick up women my son's age! early 20's!). OR, here where it is fairly 'normal' and he'd have the best 'chance' of staying in recovery.
BUT, the problem is, I don't know how serious my son is to change. Even now, in jail. He is going to have make some SERIOUS changes in his behavior, he is going to have to do some serious soul-searching in jail to begin to change the areas of his life that are causing him unhappiness, and he is going to have to do some serious forgiving to those he harbors anger at. He is also going to have to begin to take on accountability for what horrible decisions he's been making for the past 5yrs. In other words, self-blame, instead of his usual 'blame everyone else, esp Mom, for anything and everything that's happened to him negatively.'
In our very discouraging phone conversation last night, I am now very sad and doubtful that he's come to this place yet. Or will in the next 8wks. The places above that I mentioned. If he does not come to this place, I told him that when he gets out, his life is going to continue the exact same way, in misery, unhappiness and problems with the law.
The reason I say that is because our conversation in the beginning was quite fine. He was talking on one of his philosophical messages and I just calmly listened to him. Then, as it often goes, eventually he got personal with me. A semi-attack on me. It was in a 'nicer' way, but still, same old same old criticism. He, for some reason, has really taken delight (since about 13? began to use drugs and listen to 'satanic' music) in verbally attacking me in a belittling way. His father has this same trait, very sarcastic towards women. Some days when he came home from middle school, he'd pick a fight with me and I'd be in tears. (I now realize that I shouldn't have let him see those tears.)
I tried to not react too strongly last night, to his hints at attacking me, but did say something like 'you need to be spending your time in there with self-reflection or you will be released the same person, an unhappy one...'
Then, he got more testy with me, his age-old anger came out. Attacked me as a mother, again bringing up one scenario when he was 9 and being very disrespectful to me and was holding up his dad saying how much better he was (NOT! he was a horrible dad) and I (in anger) said something like 'then if your dad is so much better, pack up your stuff and go live with him!' I IMMEDIATELY rescinded the comment and was VERY apologetic. HE STILL THROWS THAT IN MY FACE. Even though I have continued to apologize 10yrs later and even cried for his forgiveness. HE WON'T LET IT GO. People close to us say he's manipulating me with it. And tell me to STOP apologizing. Ok, so he brought this up AGAIN LAST NIGHT.
To backtrack for a second, one day last week, he called me venting about how the Grammy was laying guilt on him for not calling her for like 6 days...and said she didn't put $ in his canteen cuz he didn't call her. Said he had just got off the phone with her and asked her about the $ not being in there for his order and she said she DID put the $ in...and that something must have happened with the online $ submission. He accused her of LYING and said something like 'she's crazy like the rest of women.' Anyways, he was spewing agitation at her for the $ not being available...and he kept going
on about it. Maybe I shouldn't have offered but I felt like he was indirectly hinting for me to put some $ in there for him. At this time, I was downtown, lost for an event I was trying to attend and listening to him vent. Sort of chaotic. I said 'do you want me to put $10 in there for you?' Right away, he got angry! He said 'where'd you get THAT amount? Is that all your son is worth?' This comment made me feel horrible because my son has no $ amount attached to him! I LOVE him! I didn't know what to say. For one thing, I am not the Grammy who enables his father, and is enabling HIM now. She puts in $50 a week for his canteen! I wouldn't even put in any bcuz I think/feel like he should not be babied while in jail! He needs to learn some life lessons while in there! Not be comfy cozy! $10 would probably be the MOST I would put in per week! Ever!
So, with that part of the story out there, he brought this up again last night! About how 'where did the $10 amount come from? Isn't your son worth more than that? That is hurtful to me.' (this admission shocked me cuz he's never admitted being hurt.) And the non-trusting, skeptical part of me silently thinks he's using that word (hurt) to manipulate me. I am sorry but I don't know who my son is since he's been on drugs. It is horrible. Anyways, in response to his questioning on where that (he thought small) amount came from, I said 'I am not totally sure, when we were talking, I was downtown lost and sort of flustered, and also I do not want to enable you, you are in there due to your own choices and I do not want to make it comfy cozy for you! You need to be learning to better yourself as a person...I know you are getting fed.' I pointed out to him about the car he totalled and how he
never thanked ME for the $1000 my husband and I put into it to fix it up for him and how he trashed it within 3 months. He was rude at that comment and said 'That wasn't YOUR $, it was (your husbands) $, and I thanked HIM for it (he did NOT thank my husband).' But, see how he takes jabs at me? I put so much time into that car, my poor mother didn't keep it clean and it needed a TON of work. Both cosmetic AND safety-wise. I am the one who TOOK it everywhere to get the work done, yes it was my husbands $ but I did the hard part! I must have put 20 man-labor-hours into that car before we gave it to son! NO THANKS TO ME FOR THAT!
But, that's cool, I am very humble, I never threw THAT in his face like he throws thing after thing at me! Painful!
Ok, so the conversation now just got worse. He then brought up how 'his dad had to get him his first cell phone, I didn't...blah blah blah.' He's right! I didn't get him his first cell phone bcuz he was on drugs! And he was very disrespectful to me at that time, and he had iPod after iPod which I bought, that he would LOSE like $ grows on trees. Very irresponsible...with things. I could see him losing phone after phone. So, he's right, I DID let daddy get and pay for his cell phone. He never paid me child support, so yes, he can do this for son! So you see? He's apparently BITTER that I didn't get him his 1st cell phone! Let's not even rattle off what I DID pay/get for him! How about the $9k in his college fund which is still sitting there! It seems about $ with him, the more $ you spend, the more you love him? I don't get that, I did not 'spoil' him per se'. He never really asked for much, so I guess, when he did, I did get it for him. Well, that is kicking me in the booty now...?
I tried to redirect him on to the 'fun' times (non-$) I had with him, the good times we had, the special times I made sure we had together-which were very plenty! He sadly has NO memory of these.
I guess due to the drug use. It's very sad. All he wants to do, is harp on me in a bad way. Sometimes, he likes to point out hurtful things (not true) like 'you have no life, all you do, is wake up every day and do the same thing over and over.' So mean!
The madder he got on the phone last night, the more his old self came out. His rude and belittling self. Mind you, he's only really treated me this way, I am starting to think he was doing it to the Grammy in a milder way....My husband is the best most calm and respectful man. He was a great role model for son, since son was 3. My son learned this rudeness to me, I guess by listening to his father berate women. And I have a feeling the father bad-talked me to son as well. Which is a HORRIBLE THING TO DO.
Ok. So now, I WAS contemplating letting son come here after jail, to get a fresh start. Now what? It does NOT look promising! I have little ones...I canNOT let him come here and treat me with disrespect in front of his siblings! And he loves to berate my mothering skills, says I am 'too protective' of them! Well, I tell him, I was protective of him too! In this world, you have to be! I can't let him come here and cause tension, fight with me, be rude to me, teach the little ones this behavior, break our rules, and cause me anxiety attacks! (I have an anxiety issue)
I am so aggravated that with all the counseling I exposed him to in the past 5yrs, and the one counselor I found several years back, who was local to him and encouraged him to call her for sessions, who was EXCELLENT, and knew exactly what his issues were,
he refused to utilize her free services! Now he's in no situation where he can use her! Too late!
I am not pointing out these things about him in order to sour you guys on him, I just think you need to know the things he said, I know you will be objective!
Is it likely that at this point, with what I explained about our phone call last night, that he will change while in there in the next 8 short weeks? In order to come here with us? What if the Grammy won't let him back there? She's kind of hinted that she can't handle him!
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
update on son
