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My son just turned 4. We have been working on potty training for a year now. His sister was VERY VERY easy to potty train took like 3 months. We bought our son his own little potty seat,he had a potty chair before that,he REFUSES to even go to the bathroom,says he is scared.That seems to be his answer to everything he doesn't want to do. He won't use the potty chair we got him or the seat. He throws a fit when he pees on himself or poops himself and won't go get clean clothes,he just sits there and throws a fit on the floor...he won't tell anyone he has to use rest room or when he has gone...we smell it or feel it. I don't understand it. Everyone told me a boy would be easier than a girl to potty train...so far not true. He is extremely bright,has been tested for autism,adhd etc and he isn't either. He is extremely scared of LOUD sounds...always says his ears hurt...been to doc nothing wrong...I am at a loss...I am afraid my 9 month old is gonna be potty trained before he is...I want him to go to school this fall but don't think he can handle it. They want them potty trained first.Just at a complete loss here..I feel like my other kids aren't getting the attention they deserve and need because we are so worried about our son.
Also wanted to add. His mother and siblings moved in with my wife's friend until we can get our own place and he seemed to calm down some,it was stressful where we were living just to many people etc...but wife told me today he is starting to throw his fits again.Throwing things,slamming things,hurting people,picking at himself etc.I am at a loss here....
Based on your other comments, could he have sensory issues? Have you asked your pedi about having him assessed?
Assuming he is healthy every way....
Honestly, as gently as I can put this because I know you are just looking for a reason why, you waited way too long if you started at 3 years old. My first was trained at 22 months, the next at 24 months and we only use a quick-learn method.
Fellom method aka 3-day method is is nearly guaranteed to work if they show ALL of the signs and they are 2.5 or younger -- it's one of the most popular approaches out there nowadays. You can still apply the strategy but you would need to take a harder line because he understands a lot more than a 2.5 year old. Potty training in three days or less | BabyCenter
Also, I'm not sure where you heard it the other way around, but girls are generally considered easier to train than boys.
At this point, he should be naked from the waist down around the house, you throw out all the pull-ups and you use incentive. Cold turkey, 2-3 days.
Also wanted to add. His mother and siblings moved in with my wife's friend until we can get our own place and he seemed to calm down some,it was stressful where we were living just to many people etc...but wife told me today he is starting to throw his fits again.Throwing things,slamming things,hurting people,picking at himself etc.I am at a loss here....
This right here is probably the root of the problem. And it sounds like you know it inside, too, because you shared the information. Some kids don't handle change very well. My youngest is like that. My best guess is that there are too many things out of control in his little life right now and he is trying to control the only thing he actually has control over. I know this sounds like psycho babble but I have seen this personally with my own son, my fourth. We have had a lot of upheaval during his lifetime (he's five) and every time a new change happens (these are big changes. We've moved across the country twice in the last 18 months) he starts acting the way you have described with the temper fits. No amount of discipline will make him listen to reason.
Didn't you also post about having another child on the way? Kids this age will also respond negatively to new babies.
Here is how I have handled it. I know that for us this phase will last a fairly short time (as long as we don't have any more major changes)...a few months at most because we have seen it so many times now. So right now I try not to give him any direct commands. I don't want to put him in a position that he will defy me because I know when he is like this I won't win the battle. That will just reinforce him being disobedient. So I will make a suggestion on anything except the absolute most important things and then I will force the issue over those. I try to give him as much attention as I can by setting aside time just for him doing something positive (discipline time doesn't count) reading to him or doing art with him, something like that. It doesn't have to be for a long time as long as it is his time.
My son's vice is a pacifier. He gave it up when he was three and then we started packing for another move (we've moved twice since then) and he dug it back out and has been very attached ever since. I personally (just my opinion. there are plenty who i'm sure will disagree) have decided to leave it alone for right now. I have told him that in March (once we've been settled for a few months) he will be done with his pacifier. He has agreed to this.
All this to say our situations seem very parallel. If it were me, and assuming that there are no other big changes coming up in your life (but you're having a baby? so expect regression then) I would give him a time frame and tell him when you expect him to potty train. I bet he'll agree to it. I think he just wants the control over it.
If he could go to daycare for a little while and see that all the other big boys were going to the restroom, he'd probably pick up on it right away.
My daughter was really difficult to pottytrain, we didn't get it done until she was 3 and a half and then when we moved, she decided not to poop for a month and a half. I don't know what my sister did to her, but I was in the hospital having my 2nd daughter and my sister came to stay with my oldest. She said she didn't do diapers, and by the time I got home with the new baby, my oldest was using the potty. The moving issue came later and we had to get the doctor's help for the pooping problem.
I am afraid my 9 month old is gonna be potty trained before he is..
9 month old --- that's a big clue -- the 4 year old doesn't want the baby getting more attention -- after all the baby has already pushed him out of the baby position in the family. Plus the moves didn't help.
First you have to make being a baby less fun and desireable. Anything he would like to do, tell him he can't because he's a diaper baby and diaper babies can't go. Same with toys, he can't play with big boy toys until he is a big boy. Make being a baby less fun for him. It won't hurt to show some displeasure with his bad smell and make him know he's too yucky to be around -- you have to make it less enjoyable.
What we had to do with my youngest -- who enjoyed being the baby was just to put him in underpants and sternly tell him he was potty trained now and he'd better use the toilet. His face went through a couple anguished expressions realizing he no longer had a diaper and was being told in no uncertain terms that he was potty trained. Then a look of resignation and from that time on he was potty trained. He just needed that one push because patience wasn't working. It worked though -- no accidents, no wet pants, he just accepted that the gig was over.
I too immediately thought of sensory integration issues. Read The Out of Sync Child and see if you see your son in this book. Even to a small degree. The changes you mention are also holding him back. You have been given some good info. When you get some stability in his life things will improve. After all, nobody send a first grader to school with a diaper bag!
I will pick that book up on Tuesday from the library and read it. Yeah he got worse when his baby sister was born....Thanks for everyone's advice I will try the things recommended.
I can tell you from first hand experience, pull ups hinder potty training.
They are very absorbant and kids do not feel the wetness right away, they will urinate several times before they feel wet. Kids are creatures of habit, if they know they can go potty in their pants one time, they will want to keep going.
Training underwear with rubber pants work better, they feel wet right away, kids do not like that feeling, after a few times they will get into the habit of not going in their pants.
Also frequent trips to the potty chair, almost like clock work, every hour on the hour, put him on the chair, praise and reward for even a tinkle, the more praise the more they tinkle, until it becomes habit.
Each kid is individual and of course everyone's family situation is different as well. My first and earliest day trained child (22 months) ended up being a bedwetter until age 12...ugh! My other two were later...a second girl closer to age 3, the other a boy closer to age 4. The latter two were day/night dry at the same time while here I was still buying diapers for a decade for my oldest...go figure!!! My son has ADHD and sensory issues. We used a combo of the cold turkey method (ditch the pullups and go with underwear during the day) combined with immediate rewards (an M & M) and sticker on the chart for each and every trip to the potty, the chart led to him earning a trip to Gamestop for a new DS cartridge. The benefit of them being older is that you can do a little more sophisticated positive behavioral modification rewards...you know what motivates him and can challenge him to work for reward(s). At this point, I think he knows what you want him to do, you are past the clapping and big boy pants discussions. Be positive and stick with it 100%. Don't worry about the setbacks, just help him focus on earning the prize. Good luck.
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