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Apples to oranges. First of all, it will be at least a year, probably more like two, until this kid goes to college. There's a lot of maturing going on in those last years in high school. Secondly, unless a student lives in an off-campus apt., which is rarely doable as an "away from home" college student, he will have some supervision in his college residence, e.g. an RA.
IMO, 16 1/2 is too young to leave alone, and not just b/c of the partying aspect. Does he know how to handle an emergency? Who to call if there's a problem with the house (other than mom and dad who are out of town)?
Are teens really that different than they were in the 70s? Maybe it was just me and the friends I had... we were good kids. Our parents trusted us enough to let us roam the streets without getting into trouble. We found some troubles, but mostly had fun.
I'm certain that all of us knew what to do in case of emergency.
By 16 I was babysitting overnight - for the whole weekend. My first such job was at age 14 (I watched twin girls, age 4 and their 2 year old brother) and I loved the freedom of doing things my way. I was nowhere near family and only barely knew the neighbors.
The only emergency was me slicing my left thumb to the bone while attempting to open a Spam can the wrong way: the key broke off and I stupidly grabbed the top to pull it off - big mistake. What did I do? I calmly took the kids next door and asked the neighbor lady for help with my thumb. I needed stitches, but I refused to go to the hospital because watching these kids was my first priority. She bandaged my thumb and I took the kids to the water park for another day of fun.
My thumb healed - and I sure do miss those kids... we had a ball every weekend for over a year!
I have to agree with everyone who said that he is your child OP and you and your wife know him best. Each parent needs to make whatever decision works for them.
I realize that life is different now then it was in the 70s. I just find it hard to believe - and a bit sad - that so many parents don't trust their 16 year old children to spend a night or two home alone.
Forgot to mention this... when I was 19 my parents went out of town for a week. My twin brothers graduated from high school while they were gone. My older brother and I threw them a week long keg party in the back yard!
A vase got broken when my younger (16, 14) brothers were throwing around a nerf football in the living room. If that had not happened I doubt our parents would have ever known we partied the whole week. The house was as clean as they left it. The pool and back yard showed no signs of a party.
We confessed all when mom noticed the missing vase. They were not the least bit mad (especially because we said our younger brothers behaved ) and we went on to see another day.
Kids will be kids and no one knows their own child more than they do!
We are leaving for vacation in a few weeks. Our 16-1/2 yo son would like to skip the 1st three days of it and join us later (us = mom, dad & 11 yo daughter). He is participating in a 7 week summer internship and if he takes vacation the entire week, he will be working later into the summer and cut into the free time before he gets into HS X-country training. Also, he says getting too old for these "family vacations" and rather spend time with his friends.
I (dad) am leaning toward saying yes. Of course, we would be in constant contact with him on those days and have friends and neighbors checking in. My wife is leaning towards no, saying he should go on the entire vacation.
He is generally a very responsible kid. Honor student, lots of xtra cirricular activities, sports. Some of his friends though tend to be a little wild. I'm looking for feedback from parents who have been in a similar situation or any parent who has an opinion.
I would not leave my child of that age home alone.
I agree with those who suggest finding someone to stay with him or have him stay with someone you trust. The fact that some of his friends tend to be a little wild would be an additional reason not to leave him alone, often it's the friends who take advantage of a kid who is home alone.
I don't think the issue is only that the kid might have a party. We have had some situations locally, where the teen left at home did NOT have a party. However, some people found out that there were no adults at home and kids just showed up because there were no adults home. With the advent of social media just one wild kid can cause a party to happen at a home where there are no adults home. Even if the child left home alone is a responsible kid.
But surely a 16 year old would know how to lock the doors so people can't just gatecrash his house? Social media does make it more difficult but if the teenager is a responsible one he just won't open the door. I had my fair share of parties as a teenager and I would never have let in someone who I didn't trust to behave reasonably well. I did once try and invite everyone I knew using a mass email but I forgot that the youth pastor from my church was in my email contact list so he got the email too
My parents spent a month in Europe when I was in high school. I was not on honor roll, actually very close to the other end of the list, did not play sports, had friends that resided in county detention center and I did not have a party while they were away.
I treated the house as a place to sleep, the same way I did when they were home.
But here's the thing - if you have raised your child to use his critical thinking skills and gone over some worst case scenarios with him, he should be able to handle it if kids try to crash in for a party he doesn't want, among other things.
Having the self-confidence to handle all kinds of situations prepares a kid to live in the real world on his own.
And they gain that self-confidence by being allowed to have certain experiences, within boundaries of course.
Too many parents make the crucial mistake of thinking they have to "parent" a 16 year old.
Parenting should end pretty much by freshman year of high school.
After that, you mentor your child.
There's been a lot of research showing that an adolescent's brain doesn't really mature until about age 25. I'm not saying don't let your "kid" stay home alone until 25, but seriously? 16? There's a reason people are not considered adults until 18, and while any cutoff is arbitrary, that's young enough, IMO. There is certainly much evidence that even college age kids don't always make the best decisions.
Its possible that college age kids aren't making good decisions because they are suddenly thrust in the world and expected to be adults without being led up to it over time with more and more freedom and responsibility (some obviously, not all). It makes sense that you would teach your child how to be responsible for a home by themselves before they actually leave home (and sometimes that will backfire and things will go bad of course but they have to learn sometime and waiting until they leave home for college is a bit late)
Its possible that college age kids aren't making good decisions because they are suddenly thrust in the world and expected to be adults without being led up to it over time with more and more freedom and responsibility (some obviously, not all). It makes sense that you would teach your child how to be responsible for a home by themselves before they actually leave home (and sometimes that will backfire and things will go bad of course but they have to learn sometime and waiting until they leave home for college is a bit late)
It's not always the parents' fault! This is a favorite meme on parenting forums, ed forums and other forums involving kids.
It's not always the parents' fault! This is a favorite meme on parenting forums, ed forums and other forums involving kids.
Of course its not always the parents' fault! My parents did the exact same with me and my brothers and we all turned out different, with very different maturity levels, but on the most part we were prepared for living on our own at relatively young ages apart from one who still lives at home (he's a bit of a special case).
I also think a good deal of blame lies with societal expectations - parents are expected to raise their children to be mature responsible adults but if in the process of raising them that way, the child makes an immature decision (as is to be expected) then the parents are blamed and told they shouldn't have allowed the child the opportunity to make such a decision even though thats the best (in my opinion) way for teenagers to learn - from their own mistakes.
There's been a lot of research showing that an adolescent's brain doesn't really mature until about age 25. I'm not saying don't let your "kid" stay home alone until 25, but seriously? 16? There's a reason people are not considered adults until 18, and while any cutoff is arbitrary, that's young enough, IMO. There is certainly much evidence that even college age kids don't always make the best decisions.
I'm curious to know how old your kids are.
I'm well aware of the research on the adolescent brain, and I agree with it in general.
But all kids are different, and there are 16 year olds who do not need to get to 25 to be considered "fully cooked"
I too was the teenager babysitting for toddlers OVERNIGHT for whole weekends when I was 16.
I had CPR training and was very responsible in general so I was always in demand
In addition, I graduated a year early from high school and was living on my own by 17.
But I was prepared for all that by parents who did not hover or over protect. They treated me with respect and expected me to be responsible for all my actions, never "rescuing" me when I screwed up.
I in turn raised my kids the same way. Personal responsibility is big in our house.
When my youngest was 16 (and the oldest was away at college) we left him home alone for 8 days while we traveled out of the country. He was in school and had a schedule of his own to keep, much like our OP's son. He had adults near by who checked in on him, and several emergency contact folks that I had given written permission to to sign for any emergency treatment in the event of some kind of medical problem.
And guess what? While we were gone, Hurricane Katrina struck the south. While we don't live in Louisiana we were greatly impacted in NC by a sudden gas shortage. The gas supply literally dried up over night and there were long lines everywhere for the remaining supply already at stations. My son had put off getting gas - OOPS - and now found himself with not enough to make it through the week. He could have used that as an excuse to miss school, but instead, he walked the 2.5 miles to get there every day that week. I was proud of him for that
My kids are now 20-somethings. They are not over achievers working for fortune 500 companies, lol. But they are hardworking, very industrious people who never blame anyone or anything else for any misfortune in their lives. They step up at every opportunity to take complete responsibility for their own happiness, finances, and lives in general
Of course its not always the parents' fault! My parents did the exact same with me and my brothers and we all turned out different, with very different maturity levels, but on the most part we were prepared for living on our own at relatively young ages apart from one who still lives at home (he's a bit of a special case).
I also think a good deal of blame lies with societal expectations - parents are expected to raise their children to be mature responsible adults but if in the process of raising them that way, the child makes an immature decision (as is to be expected) then the parents are blamed and told they shouldn't have allowed the child the opportunity to make such a decision even though thats the best (in my opinion) way for teenagers to learn - from their own mistakes.
Agreed. However, as I told my daughters once, there are some mistakes a parent would rather their kids not make, e.g. a fatal DUI. That's the last mistake they'll ever make! As kids get older, the types of mistakes they can make gets more serious. Some can land you in jail, and sometimes have permanent consequences re: finding a job, being restricted from certain occupations, etc. Even the fatal DUI may not be the worst thing that could happen-a serious accident that leaves one wheelchair bound with a severely diminished mental capacity would be awful.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 06-29-2013 at 09:08 AM..
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) and we went on to see another day.
