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So finally a topic that cannot possibly be controversial! And I do need perspectives please. I have a middle school aged son. He has a small but tight group of friends. But there is one kid whom he describes as irritating and socially immature that idolizes him. He keeps phoning my cell because that is the main number for the family asking to get together. DS does not want to. So far, DS has been genuinely busy on the occasions that he has called.
DS is a kind kid and does not want to hurt this kid's feelings. I think I exacerbated the problem early on by assuming DS DID want to hang out when this kid asked and scheduling things before checking with DS. Just DUMB DUMB, and I have apologized for doing so.
DS does not want to be sort of compelled to hang out with this kid. But what is the correct way to handle this? Continue to be "busy" every single time until he goes away? But is that dishonest? DS screw up the courage to tell him gee I just don't really want to hang out with you outside of school? That just seems mean.
Your son is handling it properly by being polite and saying he is busy. This falls into the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" and "don't burn your bridges" categories. Your son may end up liking the kid in the future. I've seen it happen many times.
Your son is handling it properly by being polite and saying he is busy. This falls into the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" and "don't burn your bridges" categories. Your son may end up liking the kid in the future. I've seen it happen many times.
I pretty much agree with that. One of my sons ended up being pretty popular but he didn't start out that way so he knew a bit how those kids felt but I think he liked having a fan club of sorts also. He had two sort of odd-ball friends that ended up being best friends with each other and going off on their own to some extent.
Probably a lot of popular people have some more goofball types that they will keep around, either because they actually like aspects of them or they like having admirers.
I dunno. No, a kid should not be forced to hang out with someone they totally hate. On the other hand, groups change a lot during the middle and high school years, even ones that were formerly very tight. Your son might one day find himself kicked out of his current group, or someone moves, or gets involved in a different activity and suddenly everyone else has something in common and DS is the oddball out, or whatever. Or maybe this kid grows up a little and they like each other more. Does he hang out with this kid in a group at school?
So I guess if it were me, I might encourage him to try to be friendly to everyone and not close any doors he might regret later. This doesn't mean they have to hang out frequently... just that things can change so quickly at that age...
Last edited by kitkatbar; 12-30-2013 at 11:20 AM..
I hate the middle-school friend issues. I've always told my daughter that she doesn't have to be friends with people that she doesn't like, but except in extreme circumstances, she owes everyone kindness.
If the kid who wants to be friends with your son is alone and friendless, your son's kindness can mean the world to him. And, as others have said, maybe he'll even start to like him.
I'd say it is totally your son's decision how to handle this.
Then I'd say start him in a thought process of....if he had a person he wanted to be friends with and they didn't quite return the sentiments, how would he want them to react?
Would he want to be told they were busy every time he reached out?
Would he like them to get together with him once, then no longer be available?
Would he prefer them to be honest and say they aren't interested at this time?
Would he like it better if they just say no without further comment?
Does he feel this boy won't fit in with his other friends?
Does he think it would be too much trouble to hang with this boy?
Does he believe he can't handle the needs this boy seems to present?
Does he believe this other kid has no redeeming qualities?
As long as he considers questions like these, he will find his choice among his thoughts. He does need to understand that his choice isn't set in stone. It CAN be changed down the line if he finds he feels differently at a later point it time.
Short version of a long story....starting in 4th grade my daughter had a classmate who tried to pressure her into being a close friend. My daughter initially resisted anything outside of school, but in school they became friends. This is basically how their whole friendship has gone and they are now in 10th grade. Ironically they consider the other their best friend, but reality has them hanging together only during school hours. It's an odd friendship to those outside of it, but this works for them.
I'd say it is totally your son's decision how to handle this.
I agree with this...any way he wants.
Your previous planning for him was a major no no..as you realize.
When the kid phones, [I'd] say..."just a minute I'll see if he's here"...then ask your son if he is, and if he says no, respect that, and tell the kid no...eventually he'd get the message.
I dunno. No, a kid should not be forced to hang out with someone they totally hate. On the other hand, groups change a lot during the middle and high school years, even ones that were formerly very tight. Your son might one day find himself kicked out of his current group, or someone moves, or gets involved in a different activity and suddenly everyone else has something in common and DS is the oddball out, or whatever. Or maybe this kid grows up a little and they like each other more. Does he hang out with this kid in a group at school? never So I guess if it were me, I might encourage him to try to be friendly to everyone and not close any doors he might regret later. This doesn't mean they have to hang out frequently... just that things can change so quickly at that age...
It is a tough question. In high school my daughter had a lot of difficult finding a group of friends in school---and I think that she was sometimes considered the "odd ball". She had a lot of very good friends in middle school but they started to have unsupervised drinking parties every weekend and my daughter didn't drink so she was excluded. So she went from being part of a big group of friends in MS doing activities every weekend to never even having her phone calls returned by them a year or two later.
She also fiercely defended kids who were being bullied or who were different. One of her teachers told us about the time our daughter (5'2" and 95 pounds) physically got between a huge, very popular football player and a special education student who the football player was calling names. She told the football player to "Stop it and to never do it again!" She basically became invisible to most of her HS classmates after that happened.
Her best friend was transgender (long, long before it was "cool") and that really turned off a lot of their peers. They had been best friends since second grade, well before she/now he told anyone and my daughter was one of the few people who stayed friends with her/now him.
Luckily, our daughter had some good friends and lots of activities outside of school, but HS itself was a pretty sad and lonely place for her. She is in her mid-20s and still occasionally talks about a handful of "acts of kindness" to her in HS. Simple things that might happen to a popular or typical kid daily and would be quickly forgotten my daughter cherishes those memories almost 10 years later.
My point is perhaps encourage your son to plan an outing or two with this peer. Those outings may be something that the peer long remembers and appreciates and your son may find that one on one there are things that he really enjoys about this boy. Of course, if he really hates the other child please don't force them to get together because that would be cruel to both of them.
As other posters have said things can change rapidly between MS & HS. My daughter went from being well liked at her small MS to being almost invisible at the large HS that she transfer to as a freshman.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-04-2014 at 11:28 AM..
It is a tough question. In high school my daughter had a lot of difficult finding a group of friends in school---and I think that she was sometimes considered the "odd ball". She had a lot of very good friends in middle school but they started to have unsupervised drinking parties every weekend and my daughter didn't drink so she was excluded. So she went from being part of a big group of friends in MS doing activities every weekend to never even having her phone calls returned by them a year or two later.
She also fiercely defended kids who were being bullied or who were different. One of her teachers told us about the time our daughter (5'2" and 95 pounds) physically got between a huge, very popular football player and a special education student who the football player was calling names. She told the football player to "Stop it and to never do it again!" She basically became invisible to most of her HS classmates after that happened.
Her best friend was transgender (long, long before it was "cool") and that really turned off a lot of their peers. They had been best friends since second grade, well before she/now he told anyone and my daughter was one of the few people who stayed friends with her/now him.
Luckily, our daughter had some good friends and lots of activities outside of school, but HS itself was a pretty sad and lonely place for her. She is in her mid-20s and still occasionally talks about a handful of "acts of kindness" to her in HS. Simple things that might happen to a popular or typical kid daily and would be quickly forgotten my daughter cherishes those memories almost 10 years later.
My point is perhaps encourage your son to plan an outing or two with this peer. Those outings may be something that the peer long remembers and appreciates and your son may find that one on one there are things that he really enjoys about this boy. Of course, if he really hates the other child please don't force them to get together because that would be cruel to both of them.
As other posters have said things can change rapidly between MS & HS. My daughter went from being well liked at her small MS to being almost invisible at the large HS that she transfer to as a freshman.
Really good post.
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